Muslim boyfriend of 11 years time to break up?

To cut the long story short basically I have been in a relationship for almost 11 years he is muslim I'm not. He always said he would choose me marry me and be with me. He has asked me to convert and everything before but i feel that isn't for me and why should I change. My family are not keen on him and i haven't been invited to his house but I have met his family briefly a few years ago. Up until a few weeks ago we were fine but now he says we have to break up and when shall we do it like there's a time limit. I'm really heartbroken and feel used to be honest even though its been 11 years. So he gave me 3 options: 1) Get married convert move into his parents house with him live there look after his parents etc 2) Don't convert don't do anything move into a house with him and live there whilst he would be married to some muslim girl that would live at his parents house looking after them 3) Break up! I think he is being serious as we have discussed this before but never acted upon it. I do love him and I know he does too but now I'm questioning how can he love me if he is willing to leave me for the sake of religion and culture its so cowardly. So what are your thoughts, honest opinions please.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • BREAK THE FUCK UP! I am sorry that you "wasted" 11 years of your life but they were not a waste because you will have learned many valuable lessons from this. However, his being a Muslim is an instant red flag for any woman who is not Muslim. Unless he is a non-practicing Muslim (very few of those - mostly in Turkey), he was bound to family and the religion and, you being the woman, had to be subservient. The situation you are in was easily foreseeable but, sadly, you were too close to realize all the signs all of these years.

    Anyway, he will not change and if you attempt to change for him, you will be miserable - and may get your head cut-off in an honor killing - so it is best to move on and find a man who is willing to let you be you.

    DON'T EVER FORGET: The greatest key to happiness is to know yourself and whenever you attempt to change from who you really are, you will be miserable in the long run. If you change to make a relationship work, you will become sad and angry and, either way, the relationship will fail, so know yourself well enough and be mature enough to detect and say "No" to relationships in which you must change.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • As a fellow grown, non-Muslim woman who spent years involved with a Muslim man, I'd advise you to back away from this situation. Gather all the insight, wisdom, and valuable lessons you've learned from these past eleven years and move forward away from this man.

    First of all, outside of religion, his demanding, pushy ultimate is absolutely unacceptable from a man who's supposed to love you. It's downright manipulative, controlling, and the tip of the iceberg for many more situations and moments to come should you choose to keep a guy like that in your life. Not only is his ultimatum utterly ridiculous, totally inconsiderate towards your feelings and the lifestyle you'd like to experience, but it's beyond disrespectful of you and the basic rights you should have as a wife or even just a woman who holds an important place in his life.

    Secondly, you do have a point when it comes to the fact that he's so willingly ready to drop you, leave you, and abandon the relationship for the sake of his religion and culture. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who's so spineless? Is that really the type of life partner you want by your side? Someone who will treat you like you are disposable or be willing to decrease the amount of respect he should be showing you as the guy who's supposed to love you? You deserve better, girl.

    Lastly, this relationship will not work if you are not willing to convert to Islam. I too was not willing to convert to Islam and I think it is a very selfish request for a Muslim man to ask you to leave behind your own independent belief system and take his or expect you to impose his beliefs onto your children in the future. The relationship is not going to work and this religious difference is always going to be a bump in the road. So, in the future, it really is better to just not even get involved with someone who's of a different religion because a belief system is powerful enough to cause major problems. He clearly lied when he said all of those sweet nothings about never leaving you. Take what you learned rom this experience and move on with your life. I guarantee there is a better man out there waiting for you to find him...

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What Guys Said 7

  • Before I say anything, let me tell you that I am a very logical person and so I am going to be very straightforward here and whatever I say will be based on logic only, will be based on the facts that you have mentioned in your post. Hence please don't mind. Below is my reply

    This is not a sign of an ideal boyfriend. I mean I can understand your boyfriend requesting you to convert and yes there are instances where people have converted for their love and they get married and live happily. However that should be something you should do it out of your own free will and never under pressure or for the sake of love/relationship/ marriage.

    Never convert yourself for all the wrong reasons, never do it for the sake of culture, or for the one you love unless you want to do it. Never do it under pressure.

    Yes, you are right, why should you change you are who you are and you have the right to be who you are and you don't have to change if you don't want too. Hence you shouldn't change no matter what the circumstances.

    As far as him giving you options are concerned, first option is ok but it is indicating towards him treating you like a doormat, I mean he is expecting you to convert for him, for his parents and also to just keep serving his parents. That's a very selfish request from him and also this is one of the ways to apply smooth pressure on you.

    Just remember " Force/Pressure doesn't have to be always direct, there are many indirect/smooth ways of applying pressure".

    Hence the first option is a very smooth way of him applying pressure on you, the only good thing about this is that he has given you the power of choice.

    If you see the first option, if you look at it carefully in the long run, there is every chance that you will be treated like a " Doormat" in future, like you will be leading your life like a slave, mean emotional slave/ mental slave to your boyfriend and also to his parents, you would be doing everything for him and his parents and so you will really not be able to enjoy life. You can't lead your own life at all.

    Hence first option will certainly lead to your long term unhappiness.

    cont..

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    • 2mo


      Now the second option is just nonsense. It's totally a nonsensical thinking on his part. I mean he wants you to move in with him, live with him as a second woman and he himself will get married to a muslim woman and she will live with him as his legally wedded wife and will look after his parents and so on. What kind of a thinking is that? This is just nonsense.

      This thinking clearly shows that he is not your ideal kind of lover that you would want in your life and this is not a thinking of a true man. Hence of course NO, you shouldn't choose this option. Never.

      The third that he gave you is the best option given the facts of your situation. Yes you should choose this option, it's what's right and it's best for you as well, for your long term happiness.

      cont...

    • 2mo

      cont..

      Love is good, it's a nice feeling, it's great to be with the one you love, get married to them etc but don't let that feeling be your weakness, don't let your emotions become your weakness. Yes, I know you said you love him, but don't let your love become your weakness. Just remember one more thing:

      " Your weakness is someone else strength", there are people who are ready to take advantage of your weakness and make you do something they want you to do. Hence don't give them that chance to do so, now that someone can be anyone, it can be your lover/boyfriend, they can be your own parents, relatives. It can be anyone. Hence you should be on your guard, have a clear thinking, make yourself mentally and emotionally stronger.

      Hence try to make yourself strong. If you are a person based on emotions, feelings then make your your emotions, feelings make your stronger. Don't let your emotions, feelings be your weakness.

      That's the suggestion I can give.

    • 2mo

      Well from your last sentence, you are right to question that how can he be willing to leave you for the sake of culture, religion. However it's clear that he has made his decision already so now it's time for you to make a decision and according to me the best decision is to break up with this guy.

      That's all from me.

  • I cannot understand how you two could be together for 11 years and never figure this shit out during that time. I don't even understand how it's possible that you dated for 11 years and didn't get married. Honestly you both only have yourselves to blame for this situation which should have been solved in the first few years of your relationship.

    The way I see it is now you have to decide whether you want to move to his country to be his parents care taker or end the relationship. I honestly can't have much sympathy when you should have asked him fucking years ago what he really wanted from life/marriage/etc.

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  • This happened to my friend, he wanted the same nonsense but the girl saw through it. Once you are "converted" you will be expected to change a lot about yourself, no shorts around his family, maybe even cover up in the veil. His family will also think of you as a white whore unless they are very westernized (the fact that he asked you to move in with his famliy shows they are not westernized). To them the wife is nothing but a servant. You should've known this going in and tried to guess how he was before you got serious. You just wasted 11yrs of both your lives.

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  • no hun the Quran is not the word of GOD
    I've studied it out myself don't convert he just follows what his family says instead of testing his own book

    which is what your suppose to do when the book makes a claim that its the word of GOD

    my advice break up

    and if you want evidence for my case ill show you

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  • what a douche... seriously why didn't he convert to your religion (if you have any) ? OH YEAH : the penalty for Apostasy is death... anyways i'm sorry for you hun

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    • 2mo

      I'm surprised to see a French person post this opinion. *like*

    • 2mo

      @rose004b it has nothing to do with being french... he was a douche bag... no matter what his religion or his country of birth : being a douche is an attitude trait not something linked to my nationality or to his religious beliefs

    • 2mo

      What caught my attention about your comment actually has nothing to do with the douchebag from the story.

      What caught my attention was that you --a French person-- wrote "OH YEAH : the penalty for Apostasy is death".

      Never mind though.

  • YOU wasted 11 years of YOUR life and never knew this shit!!!
    You females are weird... Stay with someone you're never going to be with...

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  • Option 2 is interesting since you still get him and the other girl is just to save face but realistically why he just live his own life with you and not stay at his parents house? If you're in the US then it wouldn't matter that you get a house together and get married without converting, neither would have to convert, it's only his family pushing that, you should reverse it on him and say your family needs him to convert to your ways since he is prepared to leave you anyway

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What Girls Said 2

  • Well sweetheart, you are not Muslim, and he is. Muslim take their religion quite seriously. You two just wasted 11 years together if he is telling you to break up. Personally, I think he is wrong for saying what he said to you. Yes, your sad, yes it is going to hurt, and yes moving on is going to be hard.
    I don't see why he is trying to convert you to Muslim. You should be free to pick your own religion.
    If you two truly love each other, then you would try to make it work out.
    Why can't he convert from Muslim, to what you are?
    Maybe he is afraid his family will neglect him.
    Maybe you two should just talk, because after 11 years he decides it is "time" to break up. That is right dear.

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  • If you aren't willing to be a true belieber and follow his faith precisely, you will not be happy together.

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