I'm so confused! No holding hand until the 3rd date?

A few days ago I went on a date with an old college friend. We had tried to date in college but I was extremely shy so it didn't go anywhere. Now we haven't seen each other in years and have had a relationship each since. He greeted me with a hug and kiss on the cheek, we had great conversation, made each other laugh, teased each other and maintained a lot of eye contact! He was actually staring right into my eyes which he wasn't doing to anyone else. The thing which baffled me was that he said that he doesn't hold hand til the 3rd date... I was like really? He asked my opinion and I said well it depends on the person and connection you have. Usually I get kissed on the 1st date which is why I was do confused! He asked how I thought the date went (whilst we were still on it) and I said well what do you think? He said he thinks it went great and really wants a second date. He asked me more than once for a second date... he said he wants to take things slow. To be fair I do tend to have a habit of rushing things...
He said the gentleman always pays and wouldn't let me pay for anything. He compliments me a lot too however he did look nervous on the date and was buying cocktails for both of us haha.
So what do you guys think? Is it cause I'm used to rushing things or is he not that into me or just unsure? Does he just not want something serious? I'm a bit confused!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • For starters, from my perspective, I believe you’re over-thinking what happened, and you should calm down, take a deep breath, and step back a little from rushing to judgment of what occurred on this first date and give the guy a benefit of the doubt that he might just have been nervous being on the date with you after not seeing each other for so long, and realistically if he wasn’t that into you, then he wouldn’t have been worried about how the date went, but given the fact he asked your opinion of the date while you were still---on the date leads me to believe he may have just been nervous and feeling anxiety of wanting the date to go great and perfectly with you.

    As far as his other behavior about not letting you pay, that’s just the gentleman in him behaving as I believe a guy should when on a date with a girl. I have been on dates where the girl insisted on paying her own way or paying for the meal for both of us, because she wanted to feel she wasn’t just taking advantage of my generosity, but see that is something she communicated to me and since it didn’t affect me to grant such a request it hasn’t ever been a huge deal.

    To let a girl pay shouldn’t affect a guy’s self-esteem or confidence, and it shouldn’t for this guy either, therefore if you want to pay sometimes or split the check because it bothers you for him to always pay for everything then be bold and assertive and communicate to him that sometimes you’d like to take—him---on the date. Yet, I wouldn’t do that right now as you’re both getting to know each other. Let him and you settle in and be comfortable together and then later you can suggest splitting the check or paying for things sometimes, but don’t do that right now while the relationship is so new.

    Going to his behavior regarding not holding hands until the 3rd day, this is again just him being nice and giving you room to breathe; yes he kissed you, such an action is encouraging that he’s easing into the relationship with you, but holding hands, he might feel is a bit too forward on his part, and he doesn’t want to scare you off. He’s giving you time to hoist those signals that he can get closer to you and it is okay to hold your hand. Again, give him the benefit of the doubt and don’t read too much into what he’s doing.

    You’ve both not seen each other in a while, and so far things are looking good the two of you are compatible with each other. Take it slow and enjoy being together. Time enough to make adjustments later.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • He's like extremely conservative. You could probably make a bullet list of his social and political views from just that info.

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What Guys Said 8

  • I think every couple does these kind of affectionate or romantic things at a little different pace. I've had one relationship and we held hands, hugged and kissed all on the first night. However I've also heard people who make some sort of "rules" for when these things can happen, like hug on first date, kiss on the second etc. But not holding hands until the third date seems a little odd to me, when he said he wanted to go slow he must have meant REALLY slow. I'm not saying you two should be having sex all night after the first date but I don't see why hand holding can't happen that soon. Maybe ask him why he wants to take it that slow.

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  • no hand holding til the 3rd date? and yet he gave you a kiss and a hug?

    not sure what that's about. seems strange but i guess to each their own right

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    • 2mo

      Ye... that's what I mean but I didn't wanna ask too much cause I don't wanna freak him out. At the same time it does seem odd... he seems to really like me in his body language but it was like he was too nervous to do anything. I could tell he was nervous but I was just really concerned that if he's gonna wait that long for any physical contact that I'd just end up being friend zoned. We saw his mate whilst we were out together and he told him he was on a date with me so it wasn't like he was trying to hide it.

    • 2mo

      perhaps he sees hand holding as something more intimate than most and waits til the third date when he sees that the relationship is becoming more serious?

      but really don't know

    • 2mo

      Mmm ok thank you! I was gonna ask him but then I'm worried he might think I'm pressuring him to do something he doesn't want too... my friend couldn't hold hands with a guy she was dating and it was cause she wasn't into him, I just hope that this isn't the case. He does seem very traditional in that he was letting me walk out first every time, opening every door for me, not making any inappropriate comments, paying for everything even though I offered. Holding hands on the first date I understand not doing cause we haven't seen each other in a while and were also catching up but I mean I think the second date that should be something that happens...

  • Some guys get very attached with physical contact. Maybe he doesn't want to get too attached right away.

    If you like him, let it take as much time as it needs.

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    • 2mo

      Ye that's a good point, he said he wasn't that into his ex girlfriend and that when she said I love you too him he couldn't say it back... so either he has commitment issues or he just doesn't want to jump into anything until he's absolutely sure.

    • 2mo

      He might be a guy, like me, that gives his whole heart or nothing. In the long run that's a good thing but it can make it harder in the beginning.

    • 2mo

      That would make sense after what happened to him last time. He said he hadn't been on a date since his last girlfriend. He's 25 and he seems very genuine, like I don't feel he'd ever use me or anything. It's just difficult cause I read physical signs as well and when there aren't any it becomes difficult, at the same time I was also very nervous so I was kinda glad he didn't try anything.

  • Wow, I've never been kissed, or kissed on first date. It does sound a little strange that he has a set day for holding hands. But i guess to him its more serious when you hold hands. So you shouldn't worry about it. All that matters is you like him. See where that takes you.

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    • 2mo

      Oh really? Well I have to say my ex who kissed me on the first date then was pressuring me to have sex sooner rather than later but I was so infatuated I didn't recognise the red flags...
      Haha ye it's just bizarre that it has to be that date in particular. That's the kinda vibe I was getting too, that maybe that would signify he's more sure of me. Ok thank you! I worry about everything haha, I'll try my best to chill and stop stressing about every little thing.

    • 2mo

      Slow and sensual is the way to go. Only children rush things; older wiser folks know how to build the fire slowly and gradually. Better outcums for each involved. Good luck!

  • What? No holding hands? Lol this is like some kind of 7th grade thing, yet the guy has no problem buying cocktails.. I don't see where hand holding ever lead to taking things too fast.

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    • 2mo

      Ye... i don't understand! Either he isn't ready for a girlfriend at all or he just sees me as a friend, but if he just saw me as a friend why didn't he just say that... he's very upfront and honest with things. My mate who's known him for over a year said that's just the way he is.

    • 2mo

      Well it's obvious that he's into you, it's just weird on the holding hands thing.. Hey, maybe by the fourth date he'll pretend to yawn and put his arm over you at the movies lol.

  • what i think? a guy being a gentleman, acting like girls claim they want guys to act and you hate it you find it weird and not sure why he acts like that, you are the problem

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    • 2mo

      Thank you! I want honesty. If I'm the problem I'd rather know that now. I've always ended up dating idiots who kiss me straight away and then try to get in my pants, I've never dated a guy who's respected me so this is very new too me. It is what I want I just want to ensure that he definitely sees me as a romantic interest and not just a friend.

    • Show All
    • 2mo

      giys * ironically*

    • 2mo

      Oh ok, I guess since we were friends before I was just a bit worried of falling back into that place again. I don't mind as long as he makes it clear. Really? I like nice guys but I seem to attract the opposite which is why when I do go out with a nice guy I find it all very new. He jokingly said remember no holding my hand yet and I said well I wouldn't wanna take advangtage of you. I'm actually wondering whether he's also doing it to ensure that I don't just want sex too.
      Weird thing is I know him through a mate and that mate asked me out in college. I mentioned it to him as they're very close and his mate has a girlfriend now and his face just dropped and he said well he has a girlfriend so it doesn't matter now.

  • Setting rules seems a little childish he should just move at a speed you are comfortable with. Holding hands is a nice thing to do.

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  • Sounds serious to me. Taking it really slow builds up the tension; like in tantric sex.

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    • 2mo

      Ah ok, ye I see what you mean. I'm not sure what tantric sex is... but ye haha.
      Only thing is he hasn't started his new job properly yet so he can't afford to do the second date yet so atm it's a waiting game. I think he's on a zero hour contract, he said it's embarrassing but he won't let me pay for it even though I offered too.

What Girls Said 1

  • hm that sounds weird to me... holding hands really...

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