He asked to go dutch and it bothers me?

I have just started to see this guy (2 dates now) and 1st date he paid for our lunch and we went out last night for dinner and a movie and the bill came, he reached for his wallet, and I just did the 'effort to be like oh are you sure?' cause I feel i should at least offer but I didn't expect him to say 'can you split the check' to the server. I don't expect the guy to pay for everything especially once we are in a relationship, but it is attractive to me when he does like take care of me in that way. I don't know if I want a third date, cause it's not something you can just bring up. Is there a way that I can or should I just leave it and move on?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I was going to say until you're older and looking for a more serious relationship, don't worry about it. But now that I see your age bracket, I have to say, I'm a bit surprised. I thought older guys (not "older", but at least older than me) would offer to pay the entire check until the relationship became more familiar. You're not being entitled. There are women, myself included, who expect a guy to take somewhat of a lead in the relationship. If he's already expecting you to go dutch the second date, he's likely not the guy you're looking for.

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What Guys Said 19

  • don't make a hollow offer if you don't actually want to split. in fact don't do anything in a relationship if it is a hollow act

    if you don't want to be in that type of relationship (an equal one) then yes you should probably end things. but also understand that if you lean on guys to "take care of you" then you are essentially saying that you don't believe in equality in relationship but rather are leaning towards gender stereotypes. basically it's setting a precedent

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  • Dont leave him for a thing like that. He probably thought you were considerate enough to want to split the bill. Go to another date and figure out more about him and you'll decide if you two are compatible personality and lifestyle wise

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  • Then don't go for a third date. It honestly baffles me how +30 year old adults can act like such children.

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  • What this says about him is that he has respect for him self and for you and he probably wants a partner in life. It says you've probably got a bit of an entitlement problem and probably a lack of respect for men, especially the ones you date.

    If it helps, try to imagine what it's like dating a man who expects that women put out on the first couple dates and when she doesn't he has a problem with that. That's what it's like for men when a women doesn't automatically expect and even demand to pay their own way on dates.

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  • As a guy, I won't pay every time and expect you to pay once in a while too. It doesn't have to be 50/50, but at least fair. I am a bit more older fashion and would have no problem pay more often. It would piss me off if she never offered to pay. As far as splitting a single dinner bill, that is mathematically messy and can be very awkward on the spot pressure to make sure it is even. It would be better to say something like, "I'll get the check and you can pay for the movie!"

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  • " . . . and I just did the 'effort to be like oh are you sure?' cause I feel i should at least offer. . ."

    If you feel like should offer to help pay, then why is there an issue with accepting a third date? I don't get it. It's almost like you're saying that you know it's courteous for you to help pay, but deep down you don't think you should have to.

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  • Waaa, waaa, I offered to pay on the second date and he actually accepted my offer, waaa, waaa.
    #womenproblems

    Spare this guy the aggravation of being in a relationship with you.

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  • Personally I would pay that just me, but it is nice for the women maybe to buy a drink or pay for a date once in awhile. Maybe he wants to make sure your invested in him and not just free date or he might of been short of cash this time. I would give him another chance if that the only problem.

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  • This is what really confuses me about modern women. They want gender equality and want to get rid of sexism but when it comes to dating they want traditional gender roles. I am sorry but to me this is hypocrisy.

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  • As @tadcurious and others said, don't be so surprised that when you offer, a guy takes you up on it. Do both him AND you the favor of not going on date #3.

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  • Personally I'd have paid (cause I like to, not cause I have to) but bringing up something so petty would make me wonder what was going on in her head.

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  • Wtf means going dutch? Lmfao.

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  • Just bring it up, and hope he is a door mat that still wants to date you.

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    • 1mo

      A doormat?

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    • 1mo

      So basically if I bring it up and he considers it - I've walked over him?

    • 1mo

      Absolutely. I don't know this guy, but I can just tell you what I would be thinking. In my head I would say to myself "she's already bringing up money? I just met this girl and she's already a pain in my ass, I should just cut my losses now" then maybe even slip you a 20 before I leave and say "here, in case you're hungry"

  • move on, not a real man. A real man pays, changes your tire, takes a punch for you, etc.

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  • lol I'm bouncing before the check comes so she pays the whole thing

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  • He paid for you once already, if you care about him then his money shouldn't matter but obviously it does.

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  • Wow what a fuckwit he is.
    Kick him to the kerb.

    Find a gentleman who knows you never let females pay no matter who she is.

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  • I think you're being quite old fashioned

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  • Huge red flag for a man. I've learned the hard way that women like this will never Change

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What Girls Said 13

  • Now, you're entitled to your prefer but I would be lying when I say I find it contradictory when women get upset when a guy accepts their offer to split the bill.

    He paid for the first date, in a modern society that is very generous, so considering he took you out again for dinner AND a movie, which is costly, I don't blame him for being okay with you splitting with him. Besides, you did bring it up, did you not? The way you presented it sounded like you were willing to split. You have to keep in mind that it's becoming normal for women to be open to going dutch and paying for their own stuff, so it's not abnormal for him to come to that conclusion.

    I'd say let it go. If he is otherwise a good guy, is him not paying for all of your food that big of a deal? Especially since you said once you're in a relationship you don't expect him to pay every time, so I wouldn't base this one little tidbit as a reason to write him off.

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  • In my opinion he should had paid. I understand it today's society men think it should be dutch because equality or blah blah blah. And I agree that yes, women should also help out but my stand point is once your in a relationship or dating for a few months that's something you can both talk abou. But this was a second date? Just doesn't seem classy to me; I would be like? also. I have never had a guy do this to me ever. Have you ever seen a guy in a movie or tv show not pay for a woman on a date? No, every man knows what the general stereotype is. The common ground side of me says, if it's your idea, you pay for the date. If it's my idea I pay for the date. That's how same sex (I'm bi) women do it and it works fine and that is the standard just like this is standard for straight people ***currently***

    If your really not okay with it then don't date him. But bringing it up won't help. He's already showed his hand and if you like him and it doesn't bother you too much you just have to suck it up.

    When men pull the equality card on this topic my point back is i'll gladly pay for my own meal "because women are equal" as soon as women have equal pay in the work place, better working conditions aka. harassment in the work place and you all stop sending us pictures of your junk without consent.
    I am not saying that every man is like this but if you want to pull a general statement like that to support your argument I am going to come back with general information disproves the equality of women.

    I am also not saying men are bad and women are good; see my next point.

    The next thing is this, men, I get it!!! Some women will take advantage of you and you feel like you are paying for date after date with different women that are just their for the free food/activity and not interested in you. My strategy is to ask them out to a drink or a coffee first; this 'date' should be an hour max getting to know her and weeding out any of the crazies. Moochers aren't going to be interested in this offer because it doesn't benefit them immediatly. Think about it, paying for a $3 coffee for 5 woman is $15 bucks, if you take them all out on a 'real' date I am under the impression just paying for them (not you) could come out to 20 dollars a pop... that's $100!!!

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    • 1mo

      wow you are one pathetic entitled brat, women are not equal to men because you will never be able to be as good as us, we are superior, its just biology. However the things you are complaining about is still not relevant to wheter a guy should pay for you or not, we have equal rights under the law and the wage gap is just a false myth, so no reason to not go dutch.

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    • 1mo

      @alphadoggystyle The thought process of some people never ceases to amaze and bewilder me. You are right, my example was very nonsensical and inaccurate on purpose. I honestly haven't read the majority of you reply but next time I have trouble sleeping I will definetly come back to it. I also felt arguing with a dilusional psychopath seems like a waste of my time. I am sure if you would like to continue your rant on men's superiority another man with similar mental disabilities would also love if you methophircally whack eachother off. Lord knows a woman isn't doing it for you 😂

    • 1mo

      how predictable, you lost the argument and your feelings got hurt, so now you try to attack me personally, pathetic. I have no issues sleeping with women without giving them any comitment, they dont know about my political views or the fact that i am aware of their inferiority. Most guys out there know these facts as well but dont speak so loudly about them so they can get laid easier. Im not a psychopath with any disabilities, in fact i am smart and successful, both when it comes to getting laid, and financially. But keep telling yourself whatever lies to make yourself feel better, reality will catch up eventually anyway.

  • You should bring it up! It'll probably be a bit uncomfortable to do, but if you want to honestly do it (and you do because you're so bothered by this that you asked on here!) you should just casually bring it up. I'd actually offer to pay the bill on the next date! If he tries to say no to that, just say that you deeply appreciate that he paid for it the other time. If he still says no then just say something like "this is myths k you for the amazing dates! I really appreciate spending this time with you!" Some sorta heartfelt message to convey how you feel and your appreciation. This is a good way to form respect, as well as establishing any boundaries. It also gives him an ego boost and makes him feel good! If he's extremely persistent you can try saying "you don't need to be so manly, I got this" or use whatever you are comfortable with! You guys are still only dating, so you're still in a bit of murky water as to how you guys each handle different situations. But, it's your call, and you know him best, use whichever method you think will go the most smooth! Good luck!

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  • One you offered to pay. Two it's annoying for women to always want the man to pay. Three you have a job and wanted to go on the second date you should be willing to pay some. Whoever asked for the date should be the one paying, though keep in mind him he keeps asking asking dates and you go, you should pay some as well. It's so stupid for women to get upset about offering to go halfs and then getting mad when he does and not don't wanna go out again. That's so idiotic and makes women look stupid and like they want his money

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  • I asked a similar question not too long ago as the same thing happened to me and it actually ended in him getting angry with me. Unfortunately I was much deeper in than third date.

    I don't think anyone should finance a relationship; man or woman. But at the same time I don't consider splitting the bill romantic and it's something I do with my friends not my lovers.

    I much prefer that we both pay for things here and there because i'm not a petty person that will be upset if I paid more at some point.

    People will tell you "that's how it is nowadays" but in my opinion of you don't like it then move on. I did :)

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    • 1mo

      I have just read through the comments and seen that a lot of people said bring it-I wouldn't if I were you. You either stick with it and accept that you will always do dutch from now on. Or you don't see him again.

    • 1mo

      *bring it up

  • Lmao sorry this is not relevant but as a Dutch person I have never split the bill on a date. And hey, it was his intention to pay for the whole thing anyways, you were the one who convinced him to split the bill. So don't let it bother you. He probably just thought you would feel better if you split it. I doubt he finds it a problem if you don't offer to pay in upcoming dates.

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  • I honestly find it good that he wants me to pay too. I think it's fair. I don't want him to think that I'm just here for profit and that I can't pay my own stuff

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  • Um... why don't you just ask him or tell him how you feel about paying?

    I only offer the first time to pay for myself, but usually, I never offer because I like asking beforehand who is paying and why.

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    • 1mo

      How would I bring that up? Like - i had a good time with you, I felt awkward with the whole dutch thing?

    • 1mo

      Yes, what's wrong with that?

  • Just let it go, especially if you make money too. If you notice that he makes you only pay for it all the time after the 100th date (even after the third) then you should totally jump ship

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  • Wow I would honestly break it off lol a guy should pay on the first date.

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  • you shouldn't have spoken up, just stand behind him and start to open your purse

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  • Can i just tell you something? It is 1 thing to go to you and say "do you mind if we split the check?" and completely another thing to go to the waiter and say that... what if you were expecting him to pay or maybe money was low? if he wants a woman its an investment. No third date, trust me. been there done that

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  • You can now expect to go Dutch treat. It will get expensive, he knows it and by you helping out, he will probably continue seeing you.
    But if you give him a hard time, he probably will drop you. And other guys may feel like this too, times are hard now and money is tight.

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