He didn't feel the spark he'd expect with a girlfriend, but we are staying friends. Is there anything I can do to help develop a spark?

Note: Before you tell me to just move on, I have come to terms with the fact that I may have to. I am aware of this.

I was dating a man for about five weeks. I tend to take awhile to open up and don't "spark" immediately. That being said, I was just starting to develop stronger feelings for him. We really enjoy hanging out. Enough that, when he broke up with me, he was crying and said that he very rarely connects with anyone as strongly as he did with me.

BUT he just didn't feel the spark he'd expect to feel with a girlfriend. His only relationship is two months in high school (he is 25). And I am the first girl he has slept with.

Most of my close friends who are in long term relationships started as friends first. And that's a more comfortable pace for me. I talked to my ex, and he is willing to admit that feelings could change in the future.

We are staying friends. Have already hung out. Have more future plans. Is there anything I can do to help... ignite that spark? Obviously, I can't force anything, but I'd love to be a helping hand. We are both (relatively) inexperienced, though I have had one relationship. And I think the fact that we met online had us both feeling pressured to feel a certain way at a certain point. And maybe that was just too fast.

Suggestions?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • There's usually a reason when someone doesn't feel that emotional connection (aka spark) for another person. You could ask him to tell you bluntly what stops him from connecting with you emotionally.

    Experience-speaking, you're better off to let go someone who cannot develop feelings for you without you trying hard. In fact, trying hard can produce the opposite effect. Displaying lack of interest in another person is a powerful seduction technique.

    It'd be interesting to know what were the terms by which you both initially started the relationship, though I understand not all cases both parties have clear understanding whether the relationship is just-for-fun, friends-with-benefits, or vanilla girlfriend-boyfriend relationship.

    Could it be that it started as a sexual relationship? Or at least he fancied you only for the sex, and now wants you as friend. Well if you met online, particularly on a dating website I don't see why the should be pressured on both parties to start a relationship.

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    • 1mo

      In this case I'd say vanilla girlfriend-boyfriend... or with the intent for it to be that. We didn't specifically have that conversation, but he also referred to it as a committed relationship several times.

      It did not start as a sexual relationship. From what I talked to him about, he immediately connected to me at the very least as a friend. I did ask him what his reasoning was, since initially he said I felt more like a friend than a girlfriend. I asked why that was, and he just said he didn't feel the "spark he'd expect to feel." But I don't know what else I'd ask him?

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    • 1mo

      "I don't think this—"maybe I'll just sleep here" —scared him away. Do not forget there could be another girl in the mix while he was with you.

      He might have called off the relationship with you to focus on another girl.

      If you guys met on a dating website, it could be there was another girl he was chatting with while he was with you.

    • 1mo

      Nope. He deleted his profile after our third date. He didn't put it back up until a few days after we broke up. No girls in the picture, yet, but he is looking

Most Helpful Girl

  • I would set a time limit for this (a few months maybe) and just be present. Go on friendly dates, keep in contact regularly and show him that you care. I agree, sometimes it can take time for feelings to grow but at the same time you don't want to be flogging a dead horse. If he isn't into it then he isn't but I don't think being available in this case would be harmful to either of you

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    • 1mo

      Agreed. I don't want to be "waiting for him" or "pining away" but at the same time... he told me right now he's looking for the spark or "at least that's what I think I'm looking for." And was very genuine about staying friends.

      And if we discover we're JUST good friends, I'll be fine with that down the line. I've had that happen with some of my current best friends (minus the dating). They're still close friends.

      But if there was physical attraction/sexual chemistry/friendship chemistry... the only thing I can think of missing is emotional chemistry. And that would come with time I would think. (That or he is feeling something and not recognizing it due to lack of experience. Ugh).

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    • 1mo

      Yes. I don't have a lot of experience. But considering he's one of the first guys to genuinely want to stay friends... I'd like to say he wasn't just using me for sex. Since society has romanticized relationships, I wonder if he doesn't know what it SHOULD feel like.

      He's already put his online dating profile back up. I don't want him to find someone else (selfish, yes, but I'll get past it if need be). But I guess a possible good outcome would be him realizing he was being unrealistic.

      My parents both think that, while it's not a guarantee, there's a chance. I hope they're right.

    • 1mo

      Definitely no guarentee honey, that's why you need the time limit there to back out and let your own emotions die down if he doesn't reciprocate. Good luck!!

What Guys Said 1

  • No. But this is hilarious.

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What Girls Said 1

  • He meant he is not interested

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    • 1mo

      But he's very interested in staying close friends. And there was physical attraction. And he wanted to keep trying but was afraid dragging things out would hurt more in the long run. I get that it means he doesn't want a relationship with me... but his only reason was the "spark"

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