How did you know someone you were dating was NOT "the one"?

Lots of questions out there about finding "the one" and when you knew, but here's the flip, what made you realize the person you were with was NOT the one you wanted to spend your life with? Assuming you guys were planning for it.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's funny, when my ex and I first started dating I had the feeling that she wasn't the one and after a while when I fell in love with her I thought that she really was the one. Now that we're broken up, it's obvious that she wasn't the one. Honestly, you just need to look for the flags and what's important for you and if the things that are important to you aren't met and there are some flags about how she/he really feels about you then she/he is most likely not the one. I think you just know deep down inside.

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    • 1mo

      That makes sense. I guess the difficulty for some (and what might have been a part of yours also) is determining whether or not those flags are something you can work through together or actually signs of incompatibility.

    • 1mo

      Yea exactly, I would see the flags and brush them
      off like they're no big deal and don't really matter since we love each other and those small things shouldn't come between us. However, they're flags for a reason and they all mean something much bigger than what is portrayed superficially. That's what that relationship has tought me, take the flags seriously and if you sense that something is off because of them then you're probably right. You need to be 100% certain that you're both just as committed into the relationship because if you aren't, it's doomed to fail.

Most Helpful Girl

  • People really need to stop with this: finding 'the one' business. I notice this to be a very unhealthy thing to do. We are responsible to CHOSE our partner. To throughly evaluate, question and observe. To make RATIONAL decisions. And how ones choices today will effect the other person. 9/10x this has to do with naiveness, immaturity, lust and indecisiveness. Potential dating partners have to meet a certain criteria that is well though out, reasonable and manageable. They have to qualify in your eyes. At some point, if your not willing to invest your time in such a person for whatever reason, is to make that perfectly clear from the get-go instead of wasting weeks and months. Always read the signs and have wise counsel of good trusted friends and family who has no problem telling you right from wrong, and not just for your best interest.

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    • 1mo

      I agree with you. I don't personally believe in soulmates or having only ONE PERSON you're meant to be with. Might have been phrasing, but I meant the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, assuming you both were considering it before you came to the realization they weren't it.

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    • 1mo

      @bloodmountain1990

      That is why you must have wisdom and discernment. I can sense them right off the bat, and get a really strong gut feeling about people intuitively. But too many people are blinded to see it. That is why I always say to guard your heart and your mind, and to never get emotionally attached to people so quickly. Boundaries always needs to be set.

    • 1mo

      Yeah for the most part, I don't get attached easily but sometimes it's inevitable. I think how you act on it is more important than the feelings/attachment being there themselves.

What Guys Said 17

  • I couldn't talk to them.

    For a relationship to be really good long term, you need to talk, a LOT. You need to find out exactly who that person is and then keep in touch with how they are changing, day after day; year after year. Everyone changes over time, couples that do not continue to talk daily, find they no longer know they person they are with.

    For me, I can't stand talking to most people for more than a few minutes. I need to have someone I am interested in talking to, where we are engaged in the conversation - not just thinking about other things while that person talks, and where hours of talk seem like minutes. I need to care about the problems she is having, even if I have heard the same one a thousand times - every time needs to feel like the first time she has told me. That is VERY hard to find.

    If you have that, almost anything else can get worked out.

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    • 1mo

      This is great, thanks for dropping the comment! I agree with you, for me being in touch with someone is really important. Not just being in touch like being accessible and being able to call them or text them whenever, but asking how their day was, knowing what made them happy or sad, and in general just being aware of their overall emotional and physical state. Some people don't think it's that important to be in contact every day, but that would be really hard for me.

    • 1mo

      I tried to describe it to a friend: Have you ever had a really good friend that you haven't seen in a long time and talk during the catching up is intense. You want to know everything and you listen and process every word.

      That is how a great relationship can be all the time. That level of interest and focus does not have to fade. Both people should be hungry for the others time, attention and presence.

      Good Luck

    • 6d

      That's a great description, thank you again :)

  • This happened with 2 of the girls I dated.

    Girl 1: She was perfect in almost every way. She was smart, made me laugh, and stood up for herself. Most importantly, she was driven. Unfortunately, she told multiple lies throughout the relationship. I told myself that if I could trust her now, after many years of dating, I won't be able to trust her 20 years from now.

    Girl 2: This one sucked a bit more, because she ended the relationship. It took a few days, but I finally realized that she was more of a rebound than anything else - and I was probably a rebound to her too. Anyhow, her lifestyle didn't match up with mine. I love being around intelligent people who talk about academics but still know how to have some fun, in a classy way. She loved "getting lit AF" on the weekends and blacking out at parties. That's when I finally realized that I couldn't spend the rest of my life with her.

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    • 1mo

      I should also mention that Girl 2 always had time to party, but never had time for the relationship. I don't think she understood that relationships actually require spending time with the other person. Go figure.

    • 1mo

      Thanks for sharing your experiences. It sounds like for the second your lifestyles just didn't match up. Maybe she would have grown out of that eventually, but you can't bank on that and wait for it to happen.

    • 1mo

      Of course! I doubt she's going to change much. Yes, she's young. However, she's old enough to know how to prioritize. If she can't do that now, I doubt she'll be able to 10 years from now.

  • Well, there was depression between us two.. I would say month
    after we started going out that this one day things seemed different
    She was taking a shower in the afternoon which was one thing she
    never done and that was on Saturday... I think she cheated on me
    than on Monday is when she was breaking things off with me
    She broke up 5 days after I proposed to her to marry me but i
    did get my class ring back and i got the engagement ring back
    from her but we never got back together. That was 20 years ago.

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    • 6d

      Wow I'm sorry that happened, good thing you got the rings back though!

  • She didn't do much to interact with me at all.
    She was too shy and difficult to open up to me.
    She was too unhealthy, mentally and physically.
    She had no ambition and purpose.
    She didn't try to initiate conversation after our date. (This is a huge one)
    She wasn't kinky enough in bed.

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  • Sometimes we have issues, or a simple question can make it abundantly clear. For example, I asked a girl, "If we're a couple, would you be willing to keep your hair long for me?" Twofold. 1. I adore long hair. 2. If a girl isn't even willing to make a small style change if she knows you'd love it... how on earth could you ever count on her in vital matters?

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    • 6d

      I'm not really sure I agree with this method lol.. the same questions can be extended to you. If she doesn't like long hair (it's her hair anyways) why can't you respect what SHE likes, and why can't YOU accept that adjustment?

    • 6d

      @jesshkah oh in that case double reason not to date her haha

  • The friendship, the attitude and personality. I am with the person who is the one for me and am her the one too, we weren't the one for each other from the beginning but we worked on it and became the one :D

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  • You just get a feeling in your gut.

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  • When I got dumped at Subway during lunch. That kinda put it right into perspective, you know?

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  • Never dated. Don't know. Muahahaha

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  • when she kept tripping over her own insecurities over and over again so I just basically cut my ties with her

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  • There is no 'Neo' for anybody.

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  • When I first noticed they were lying to me.

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  • For one she has too many secrets and her stories didn't add up. Also God directed my away from her.

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  • There is no such thing as "the one"

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    • 6d

      I'm not talking about "the one" in the most common sense, but just someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

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    • 6d

      Lol I get that.. you just, didn't answer the question.

    • 6d

      Well then let me answer now: if you do meet one of those people, you will not ask yourself "is this the one". Better?

  • I never dated anyone.

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  • When I knew I couldn't trust her (repeated lies, not even cheating) then I knew it wouldn't work. It only took one month of living together to regret getting married. I tried to work on stuff for almost a year, but then I just couldn't take it any more.

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    • 6d

      I'm sorry that happened :/ did you guys not believe in living together before marriage?

    • 6d

      It wasn't an option at the time. However, from now on, I don't intend to ever get married again. I would have a long term relationship, and I do want to have kids together after living with someone for a year first, maybe even make a promise to each other to stay together or do the religious part of the ceremony, but not legally get married ever again.

  • This one girl I saw that I had nearly everything in common with and hit it off initially with, ended up being on the rebound as she just got out of an LTR just a few weeks before seeing me. That was not revealed after our first date so I took it very slow. She didn't really mention the ex but she was acting hot and cold despite initiating contact. Then I found her true colors when we last saw each other and even though she was all over me and touchy feely, I ended up seeing a condom wrapper from another guy in her bed then she ditched me afterwards despite that we had plans and blocked me from social media. It was bad timing really.

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    • 1mo

      This made me learn a bunch of things. No matter how much you have in common with someone, never affiliate your shared interests with them because if something goes wrong, those interests can be ruined.

      Not that I thought she was perfect and I definitely had my reservations after finding out she just got out of an LTR and her acting hot and cold, but it kinda reinforces the whole "if it's too good to be true then it is". Dating people on the rebound should be avoided at all costs. It might be fun while it lasts, emphasizing while it lasts, but as soon as it ends, it's very painful.

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    • 6d

      Yea that just sounds so trash.. sorry man.

    • 6d

      She sounds trashy?

      Yeah it was a really shitty situation all around.

What Girls Said 10

  • 1) When he threw a full cup of soda in my face because he was angry.
    2) I gave him a mirror as a joke because he was constant looking at his reflection to check that his hair and make up were perfect. He smashed the mirror and walked out.
    3) He asked my best friend if he could grab her 'perfect boobs' just for fun.
    4) A barking dog headed towards us, and he pushed me down and hopped a nearby fence to get away, leaving me laying there in the street. Nice guy, right?
    (These were four different guys, by the way)

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  • If he doesn' appreciate you.
    If he's abusive.
    If he doesn't smile when he sees you.
    If he does not want to kiss you in bed.
    Etc etc. These are reasons my fam told me at least

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  • I didn't feel comfortable, It felt like he was judging me by the way I dressed, I don't wear makeup but honestly he was making me feel ugly and I was thinking about wearing makeup. So I just gave up and knew he wasn't the one. Found out he wasn't attracted to me because I don't dress lady like. I'm actually glad that this happened because the guy I'm with now he is definitely the one for me.

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    • 6d

      Sorry someone made you feel that way 😔 But so happy to hear that you found someone who does make you feel comfortable with who you are!!

  • i knew from end of the 1st date
    i looked at him and thought, "i won't marry you, but i'll be with you for a very long time"
    which is exactly what happened

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    • 6d

      Very interesting! What made you say that?

    • 6d

      it was just a gut feeling tbh
      i was surprised it didn't scare me and i forgot about it shortly after
      then when we broke up, i remembered and it made sense

  • They'll start to do things you don't like and when you can't picture the future with them by your side.

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  • When he tried to have sex with me before marriage. I changed my cell phone number and he doesn't have it.

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  • They didn't care about me lol.

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  • I could tell immediately. Just a short chit chat. I wouldn't even start dating someone who I knew could not be a potential partner. Sometimes though I needed a bit more time to figure them out. In those cases I would just hang around them in a not one on one social setting for a while, then I would make my decision. I mostly met guys at school or work or family and friendly settings, so just hanging around wasn't a problem. Once, the guy was my professor's son, and a medical student. We were chatting and he said that they were learning the female anatomy on real cases, and even though all of his friends were there just to look at female privates, he wasn't. Later on he said he wanted to choose gynecology as his profession. I quit on him after that. I couldn't take my guy staring at vaginas all day. It just wasn't a strength with me.
    Anyway, my dating only lasted for a month or two at most, and I made only two mistakes before I met my husband.
    The first time the guy's family interfered and broke us up, and the guy allowed them the permission to do that. The second time, I broke up because the guy said something that not only was really insulting to a simple and honest girl like me, but it also showed that he had a hard time trusting girls. So, he had agreed to have sex with someone he didn't even trust, which was pretty off and an illogical thing to do, and I couldn't understand something like that. Plus if someone tells you nasty stuff while you're in the first stages of dating, who knows what they could tell you later when the novelty has worn off? I had a bad mouthed dad too, and I sort of panicked when that happened.
    Besides these two major relationships, I had two other really short, should I say encounters instead of relationships, because they only lasted a week or two. One of them I ended because the guy made it clear that he was not looking at a long term relationship, and the other one who was 4 years younger than me just didn't turn out to be as mature as he did when we first met, and being an intellectual, I'm really into maturity and wisdom, and anyway I never attempted to date a younger guy again.
    Anyway, I'm not saying that these guys were bad, I'm sure they're all with other girls by now, they just weren't for me. Only I saw the signs a while longer into the relationship than with guys who I immediately saw the misconnection.

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    • 6d

      Right that all makes sense. Thanks for sharing your experiences!

  • 1. When he made no effort to get his license at 21 so I became his "taxi".

    2. When he started showering once or twice a week, and quit brushing his teeth daily.

    3. When he started being too controlling.

    4. When I started coming second to his friends and everyone else.

    After all this he started talking about marriage so I had to run!!

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    • 1mo

      Oh jeez, sounds like he got way too comfortable but not in the healthy, because you're in a good relationship type of way.

    • 1mo

      Yea he got wayy too comfortable.

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