I Need Some Shallow And Not Shallow Opinions Here?

Do me a favor: don't be an ass to each other for being honest on this post. I really want a lot of varying opinions.

I am a fairly attractive person (or so I've been told). It's not a very big insecurity, but for some reason looks are a big deal...

Have you ever noticed that if 100 people say you look good, and one person criticizes something about you, you think about that one person the rest of the day? Why?

Also, why do looks matter so much—keep in mind, this is NOT coming from a girl who's been denied by 50 guys for being ugly; I get hit on a lot, and reject a lot of guys...

Think about it: your partner's looks can make you feel better about yourself, like "Yeah! My self-image and value is directly correlated with their attractiveness! Hot people date hot people, right?"

I have tried dating people less attractive than me for the sake of not being shallow, and I will be 💯, it's hard. I feel like "couldn't I have done better?" (And we hear that from others, too) Even if the guy is super sweet, takes care of me, and loves me for who I am, if he isn't attractive it bothers me...

Why do we only accept those traits from attractive people? Why is it not enough for lesser attractive people, but profound for a hot person?

And do you think it is related to codependence? Do people who truly know who they are and love themselves as they are have an advantage here? Because I would love to be one of those people whose partner's looks are totally irrelevant to me. Much bigger pool of people, and more likely to be treated well...


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Most Helpful Guy

  • "Have you ever noticed that if 100 people say you look good, and one person criticizes something about you, you think about that one person the rest of the day? Why?"
    That did not happen to me but if someone found me ugly, I couldn't care less. Haters are part of life.

    "Also, why do looks matter so much"
    Eye candy?

    "Hot people date hot people, right?"
    Not always. Some go for various looks but I don't know any better. I just heard so.
    Hot people may be more likely to be bad people but I would not subscribe to that stereotype. Since hot people do it on purpose, they are after something.

    "I feel like "couldn't I have done better?" (And we hear that from others, too) Even if the guy is super sweet, takes care of me, and loves me for who I am, if he isn't attractive it bothers me..."
    You answered your own question. Sometimes we repeat ourselves like that and we cannot stop. I don't know why but it is like that.

    "Why do we only accept those traits from attractive people? Why is it not enough for lesser attractive people, but profound for a hot person?"
    Because people are stupid.

    "And do you think it is related to codependence?"
    As in what exactly? I would not think so.

    "Do people who truly know who they are and love themselves as they are have an advantage here? Because I would love to be one of those people whose partner's looks are totally irrelevant to me."
    People like these exist, yes. Being one of them I had never any sort of advantage.
    If you want to look past someone's looks, you'd better begin practicing it at the very least but your lack of success doing so just proves you otherwise. Just remember, that physical attraction does matter.
    I'm sorry but I cannot really help you. At least I tried.

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    • 1mo

      I appreciate your honesty and genuineness. That's all I really wanted.

      I have tried dating guys despite their looks, and sometimes its hard... I do think chemistry has something to do with it, though... Pheromones maybe? I am dating a guy that isn't necessarily attractive, and I don't really... mind so much with him?

      Attraction might be an enigma I study in college. I'm a psych major.

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    • 1mo

      Well, we had sex and he makes me really happy, but I think it was the abandoned vulnerability he offered... fireworks...

    • 1mo

      Vulnerability emotionally *

Most Helpful Girl

  • As much as we THINK, a lot of our desires come from instinct. We have an aversion to mating with some people and an impulse to mate with others.

    And it's not all universal - much is about complimenting immune systems more than one set standard.

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What Guys Said 8

  • ***Have you ever noticed that if 100 people say you look good, and one person criticizes something about you, you think about that one person the rest of the day? Why?

    A lot of people do this about looks. I do this with my cooking and music writing, performance, and production… so I get it. (Music and cooking are big-deal amateur avocations for me.) But I have a pretty clear idea of what I look like. If someone tells me my eyes are beady and the next person says they're gorgeous… I don't take either one too seriously. I know I'm not model material. I know I'm not a troll. Whatever.

    ***Even if the guy is super sweet, takes care of me, and loves me for who I am, if he isn't attractive it bothers me

    In my case, there was a girl in college who was super sweet to me and very bright, but one of many such women in my group of friends. Still, I considered her a great friend. She was overweight. In didn't notice her "that way". I went away for a study abroad year and came back the next fall. Holy shit! While I was away, she spent the whole time working on herself and was hot as hell when I got back. Suddenly her beautiful personality and interesting mind had a tight hold on me. I hated myself for thinking like that. Seriously, I thought she deserved way better than me. But she knew who she wanted. We were married 25 years this May. This story is embarrassing to tell because it paints me in a really shitty light. Why didn't I see her as a potential mate before? Looks. As high-minded as I like to see myself, I'm the same as everyone else.

    ***Do people who truly know who they are and love themselves as they are have an advantage here?

    I thought I truly knew myself then. Today I think I really do. But I'm probably kidding myself.

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  • Alright, so first as to why we listen to that one person? Because you feel compelled to please all that you can in effect pleasing yourself. It's you trying to get by in the social order, and it's more important to human society than most think.

    Looks matter because: it helps us find those that are most able to reproduce in the species. If attractiveness works, we go with that. Looks will always matter, for better or worse, because you can't erase a face.

    Why is it not fair enough to lesser people? It's simple Darwinism. Some just weren't born for it. Except if they still manage to get a partner then that's their intelligence at work, Darwinism still.

    Yo I'll be honest I'm really tired right now so I'm not even sure if this makes sense but I feel like it does... maybe...

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  • Attraction is a two way street. It has to be. There's a desire to be the best, inheritantly. Some people aim too high. Some aim too low. Some settle, some don't. Life's a trade off. Some people are more willing to compromise than others, for their own reasons.

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    • 1mo

      I am dating a guy that isn't considered incredibly attractive... but I felt immensely better when he rated me the exact same... it was odd.

    • 1mo

      We both rated each other at about a 6. Now I just feel comfortable with him, and find him MORE attractive than I did originally. Attraction is so odd...

    • 1mo

      It is. But you have to do what you have to.

  • I think it's genetically dictated that negative messages resound more strongly, probably from the days when mistakes could be deadly so they became so much more important than successes to survival. As a modern, empowered woman, one of the things you have to be empowered about is keeping criticism in perspective.

    Looks are important, esp to women, because men are visual sexually. Men get attracted by what they see more than the other senses and since it's probably the one with the longest range, that makes sense.

    As for the relative looks of you and your partner, I once heard an old saw that I believe is extremely germane: a woman should never marry a man who's prettier than she is. Think about that. I'm not saying you should dramatically lower your standards but you're supposed to be the better looking one, opposite of birds where the males are more colorful in general.

    Does this help?

    Check your messages, please.

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    • 1mo

      You asked for my opinion and I gave it. How about a follow back?

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    • 1mo

      Lol, yeah... I would prefer to avoid dating a guy prettier than me... I kinda feel like guys should be doing more grunt work anyway, so if they do look prettier than me... what are they doing all day?

    • 1mo

      Not sure what "grunt work" is. What I want is to walk in with the sexiest woman in the room. I love watching all the guys stare and leer and get an elbow in the ribs from their lady for their trouble, knowing that I get to take her home and have my truly wicked, kinky way with her.

  • It's a good question. We want to be found attractive by people whom we find attractive... on a shallow level, it makes us think that as a couple, we are just as attractive than when we are single.
    Also, I think that aesthetics translates to our perception of physical normality, bordering on physical perfection, which, on a biological perspective, gives us the impression that for procreativity reasons, our lineage is more likely to be blemish-free, or at least 'normal'.

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  • You have expressed some good thoughts. But it is all in our genetics or biological makeup and some inherited traits. I too have thoughts like you. But sometimes even i cannot be completely honest in my thinking when it comes to choosing people either as partners or as friends. Looks do influence at least to some extent in our decision making. That's why beauty industry is growing.

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    • 1mo

      I guess what I am asking is... why? How do looks benefit a person besides giving their partner a dopamein rush every time they look at them? Is biology really that significant?

      Looks DO fade. Looks DO deceive. So why is it so heavily depended upon?

      It infuriates me when I meet an unattractive guy that is super sweet, and nobody will give him a chance... Then I look like a hypocrite for not wanting to date him? It's an endless cycle of madness...

    • 1mo

      Mona Liza without that mysterious smile , those cheeks and those eyes would not have become famous. You are an artist. you should know better how facial features are evaluated.

  • by no means am I attractive but my girlfriend saw something in me and I don't care about looks as long as she is honest that's all that matters

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  • Evolution we need to find our mates to be attractive otherwise our private areas won't get happy and if sex didn't feel good nobody would do it.
    We just our designed that way to reflect more on negative opinions.

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What Girls Said 0

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