Guys: how do you feel about dating a woman who already has kids?

My Latina friend is a single mom of 2 and is older than me by 6 years (I love older ;-) ) and we've briefly discussed a relationship before. Neither one of us have made any promises or commitments but are just choosing to stay friends right now. She wrote a cleverly disguised romantic poem about me on Google+ some time ago that I did like but I don't want her getting her hopes up.

People close to me - surprisingly mostly women - are always saying I shouldn't date a single mom, that I should pick a woman I can have my own kids with. I honestly am split about this. I have no idea what to do. Is it shunning a woman with kids not to date her? What would you do? How do you guys feel about it?
Guys: how do you feel about dating a woman who already has kids?


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What Girls Said 5

  • Man or Woman they will always have Baby Mama or Baby Daddy drama. It's up to you if you're up for that. Usually some Baby Daddies are civil while others aren't...

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  • I wouldn't want to date a guy with kids.

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  • I wouldn't date a single father.

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  • if you love her and can make the effort of being a great step dad/friend or that if they dont have one go for it.

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  • :/ Yikes... this is a tricky subject.

    I would not advise you or any man to pursue a single mother unless it is one of those rare, truly special connections where you instantly knew she was the woman you wanted to spend your life with. Because at the end of the day, no matter how good your intentions are, if things don't work out, you have to "break up" with more than one person and say goodbye to her children. You have no legal rights to them. Single mothers will often naturally yearn for a father figure to complete the family unit. Someone who can guide their kids and advise them through adolescence, a provider, a protector, a nurturer, a companion to keep them company during kid's events... a life partner. They can't help it... it's a natural urge. So they will have this expectation of you, you may even find yourself charmed by the lifestyle, but if things do not work out or end badly, you have to deal with multiple sources of emotional disappointment all at once. Then there's the possibility that the kids won't even respect you and may even resent you because they feel like you're taking their father's place.

    It can become very messy and not every individual is worth the potential pain and disappointment.

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    • 25d

      Yeah, true.

    • 25d

      Exactly this. Actually my boyfriend never planned to date anyone with a kid/kids... and then we happened. He opted to step up. Alternatively... in the past I got really irritated at guys who overstepped prematurely... maybe because there was something in me that didn't want my son getting attached to them since I knew I hadn't decided I wanted them to stay... if that makes sense. And I left no room for them to co-parent. In my defense... the same thing that kept me distant from them... was sensing something awry in their motives in getting close to my son.
      My current boyfriend has kept his place where needed and stepped forward when needed. And somewhere between all of it, recognizing that I fell for him as him on his own... and because I realized he was someone I could actually see myself trusting my son's life and raising with... someone who understood how important it was for my son's sake to do right by raising him.

    • 25d

      Actually, to clarify, I meant... it worked because I fell for him entirely first as a man... completely unattached from the fatherly role... rather than falling for him first as merely a father to my child... and then after falling for him as a non-parental role... I fell all over again... when I saw how much investment went into appropriately easing into the role as my partner in child raising.

What Guys Said 22

  • Been there; done that.

    1. You have no obligation to date her simply to prove that you are complying with someone else's rules of social propriety. You have no obligation to her to take any action. Unless and until you are in a committed relationship with her, you have no obligation to anyone other than yourself, and it is your responsibility to act in your own self interest.

    2. If the object of dating is ultimately marriage, then you must consider the prospect of being a step-parent. It sucks. You will be given all the responsibilities of a parent ("Can you pick little Johnny up from school? Can you help Susie with her homework?" etc.) but when it is time to make important decisions, you will probably hear something like, "That's my decision to make because you're not their parent." If the children's father does not pay child support, you will be assuming a financial responsibility - not because it is imposed by any legal obligation, but simply most men can't marry a woman and see her children lacking for things without taking some responsive action.

    3. If the children's father is in the picture, there is the prospect of ongoing drama with him. Who needs that?

    4. You can get attached to children even more quickly than you get attached to their mother. If/when you break up, that hurts the kids and it hurts you.

    5. I had a step-daughter who actually called me "daddy" a few times. I was on top of the world hearing that from her. A year later, I got laid off from my job and her mother did not want to hang around if I didn't have a paycheck to support her. I have not heard from my step-daughter since the day I moved out of the home, despite my efforts to contact her and continue a relationship.

    That's the down side of what you are looking at!

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    • 25d

      Very strong points! Especially "You will be given all the responsibilities of a parent ("Can you pick little Johnny up from school? Can you help Susie with her homework?" etc.) but when it is time to make important decisions, you will probably hear something like, "That's my decision to make because you're not their parent." - SOOOO true.

  • Good questions. I would prefer she has no kids. If all you want is to start dating, maybe picking someone with kids isn't the best route to take. Once you start dating a single mom, you are thrown into an instant family. No matter how great you get along, her kids will always come first. The free time she has will be limited. The kids will be there most times. Hard to start dating with kids attached. Then there is the drama. What is the story with the kids father? Like it or not, he will always be part of their lives to some degree. Not very many couples separate with kids and stay civilized about it. I'm not sure I want to be in the middle of that.

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  • This is a tougher one.

    I've been there before a few times and it's tough. It really depends on the age. Women do not compromise fairly anyway but usually enough to work it out. The ongoing problem with dating women with children is their compromising thought pattern often keeps to be NON-EXISTENCE.

    You don't have to date them to know that either. If you go to online dating sites and read info about women with children 50% of the time the first thing they will say is something like "Firstly, My children come first" and throughout the bio it will be slashed with "doing this... with my wonderful children" kid that kid this. And the majority of the time it will even say negative things like "if you are not good with kids then don't bother pming me".

    This is a section where you are suppose to SELL yourself. Basically, if you are going to be with a women with children then you better hope she's great because you are not going to change her mind or negotiate anything with her.

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    • 24d

      Wow, great points. And so SPOT ON about the dating sites profile stuff they say. SOOOOOO true.

    • 24d

      Haha, yah the dating profiles is incredibly funny to read though.

      I would understand if a woman explained nicely somewhere that she does have kids and play a heavy role in her life style but to say "Don't come between my kids or I will dump your ass" before you even meet the person is kind of rude. haha

  • Personally I wouldn't date her reasons I've enumerated here many times.
    I've tried to date single mothers and I just can't go there. My reasons to
    me are valid. I've started a number of shitstorms over this topic. I don't
    apologize one iota for it. To me single mothers are way too much work
    for damn little in return. The biggest deal breakers for me is dealing with
    the ex's and ex in laws. And bratty little twerp kids who resent me there.
    Frankly I don't give a good GODDAMN what her kids think. If I were to get serious
    and they still wanted to be little bastards, they'd go stay with day or I'd leave,

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  • how do you feel about it? Also I think keeping in mind that the kids may be difficult at first (since you have no authority over them so how she is as a mother will affect how they are with you) but if you like her then I say go for it because you really have nothing to lose.

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  • I have dated 2 women well over my age, one with 21 year age gap who had 2 young adult sons (who could have been my brothers), and one with 19 year difference who had 2 daughters around 20 to 21 years old and 2 sons around 8 years old each one.

    I had a great time i won't deny it, however you will never be their most important human, they have more important people in their lives, and they have to make time for them, for keeping the house, for working, and several other things, so you are up to being rejected a few times when you ask for a date, she is gonna ask you to meet their kids at some point, i had one woman ask me to watch a cartoon movie with her kids after like 3 dates, i was about to bounce away but decided to stay a bit longer after i told her i didn't feel comfortable doing that, specially because we had just met.

    I want to send you a private message with more in dept information about this, however i am level one and i can't do it.

    Good luck.

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  • I don't have a problem, but be careful no matter what the age they will never be yours even though you will be expected to

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  • Funny i posted the exact opposite (would you date a man with 3 kids?). Not surprisingly women in general say no. I say, You're better off looking for a man that has kids already you're more at the same level in your life and you get to understand each other based on your kids come first befprw everything else... mutual understanding from experience. I know men and women that don't care to go for a person with kids but the factor of feeling left aside and not getting your full attention might eventually become a problem... or not. Could work but i think a couple that each have their kids have a better chance for success. Oh! Also, going for someone with no kids could end up with you just being used for sex especially for women

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  • *checks watch*

    Ah, it's been 15 minutes, time for this question to be asked again.

    I am not interested in raising some other dude's kids, being second best to those kids, and having to deal with all the crap that comes with having kids (babysitters, bedtimes, etc etc) from the very moment you start dating someone.

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  • At my age it is more likely she has kids than has not

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    • 25d

      I'm 30 and I mostly prefer older women, so it's quickly becoming the same case for me too.

  • Been there and done that. My one big piece of advice is ensure you see eye to eye on expectations with the kids. Maybe not right away, but don't get super serious before you find out all of that.

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  • I really liked this one girl that had 2 kids. Also the kids were really nice and even after spending a couple of days with them. They become hesitant for us to split and part ways - it was fun while it lasted

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  • I wouldn't.

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  • Been there, done that.

    No interest in it as it gets tiring to deal with what comes along with it such as baby daddy drama, bedtimes, babysitter needed, etc.

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  • You would be in dip shit if that guy in the poem isn't you, do you understand that?
    You should give her try :) good luck

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  • I don't think I would want to date woman with kids because I want to have my own kids.

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  • #NOTINTERESTED media.giphy.com/media/4pMX5rJ4PYAEM/giphy.gif I would never date a woman regardless of whether or not she has kids because I'm asexual/aromantic. I don't recommend it to you straight/bi guys either because it's just a mess and you'd have to put with kids who aren't yours.

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  • I have self respect, so I won't date a single mother. I'll fuck them but that's it.

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  • Only if I really liked her

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  • Never will happen. Ever.

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  • AnonymousAnonymous (25-29) 10min
    Wellll... I am going to be 100% honest with you. SINGLE MOMS are LOSERS.

    Let me argue my point. If you meet a single mom between the ages of 18-27ish... she is a loser.

    EVERY TIME I TALK TO A SINGLE MOM... THIS IS WHAT I SEE:

    Here is a real text from a single mom I was talking to:

    Me: So... you are 25, and you had your son 7 months ago?

    Her: Yeah.

    Me: Where's the dad at?

    Her: He is still around, but I left him.

    Me: Oh... I see... so tell me more about the dad. What does he do for work? What is he like?

    Her: He's a bum. Lol. He doesn't have a job and he sells drugs. I was madly in love with him, and he told me that he wanted to have a baby with me. So after I had the baby, he left me for another woman and told me the only reason he got me pregnant was to keep his legacy going. He never really loved me and disowned me after I gave birth.

    This is the type of shit I hear from single moms ALL THE TIME. They fuck loser and then they wonder why they are a single mom.

    It's not worth it to mess with a single mom, especially if you are a good man who has his shit together.

    The reason I asked the girl what the father was like was to see how she would respond to my question... and low and behold, the guy is a loser. I hear this often.

    If a single mom told me that the dad was a college grad or someone making an honest living... then MAYBE... but this is never the case with the single moms I talk to.

    Every man they have a child with is always a loser and never a guy of character.

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  • If you like her in my opinion, you date her. Forget what others think.

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