My Latina friend is a single mom of 2 and is older than me by 6 years (I love older ;-) ) and we've briefly discussed a relationship before. Neither one of us have made any promises or commitments but are just choosing to stay friends right now. She wrote a cleverly disguised romantic poem about me on Google+ some time ago that I did like but I don't want her getting her hopes up.
People close to me - surprisingly mostly women - are always saying I shouldn't date a single mom, that I should pick a woman I can have my own kids with. I honestly am split about this. I have no idea what to do. Is it shunning a woman with kids not to date her? What would you do? How do you guys feel about it?
Most Helpful Girl
:/ Yikes... this is a tricky subject.
I would not advise you or any man to pursue a single mother unless it is one of those rare, truly special connections where you instantly knew she was the woman you wanted to spend your life with. Because at the end of the day, no matter how good your intentions are, if things don't work out, you have to "break up" with more than one person and say goodbye to her children. You have no legal rights to them. Single mothers will often naturally yearn for a father figure to complete the family unit. Someone who can guide their kids and advise them through adolescence, a provider, a protector, a nurturer, a companion to keep them company during kid's events... a life partner. They can't help it... it's a natural urge. So they will have this expectation of you, you may even find yourself charmed by the lifestyle, but if things do not work out or end badly, you have to deal with multiple sources of emotional disappointment all at once. Then there's the possibility that the kids won't even respect you and may even resent you because they feel like you're taking their father's place.
It can become very messy and not every individual is worth the potential pain and disappointment.1
Most Helpful Guy
Been there; done that.
1. You have no obligation to date her simply to prove that you are complying with someone else's rules of social propriety. You have no obligation to her to take any action. Unless and until you are in a committed relationship with her, you have no obligation to anyone other than yourself, and it is your responsibility to act in your own self interest.
2. If the object of dating is ultimately marriage, then you must consider the prospect of being a step-parent. It sucks. You will be given all the responsibilities of a parent ("Can you pick little Johnny up from school? Can you help Susie with her homework?" etc.) but when it is time to make important decisions, you will probably hear something like, "That's my decision to make because you're not their parent." If the children's father does not pay child support, you will be assuming a financial responsibility - not because it is imposed by any legal obligation, but simply most men can't marry a woman and see her children lacking for things without taking some responsive action.
3. If the children's father is in the picture, there is the prospect of ongoing drama with him. Who needs that?
4. You can get attached to children even more quickly than you get attached to their mother. If/when you break up, that hurts the kids and it hurts you.
5. I had a step-daughter who actually called me "daddy" a few times. I was on top of the world hearing that from her. A year later, I got laid off from my job and her mother did not want to hang around if I didn't have a paycheck to support her. I have not heard from my step-daughter since the day I moved out of the home, despite my efforts to contact her and continue a relationship.
That's the down side of what you are looking at!3