What is an appropriate way to deal with my boyfriend's female friend?

My boyfriend has this female co-worker, who I have grown to feel uncomfortable with.

A few weeks ago, I met her while at his work (he works at a bar.) and we had drinks together. I wasn't sure of my impression of her then. At the time she seemed like a nice person. Then a week or so later, my boyfriend lied about who he was hanging out with one afternoon -- her. He thought that it wasn't relevant to tell me who he was hanging out with. To me, because he kept that information casually out, that he was hiding something from me. So it's been about two weeks since then, and my comfort level with him has dropped significantly.

I've told him to just be honest with me about who he is hanging out with -- but honestly, thats not helping me either. Anytime he mentions her, or her name pops up on his phone, or even when she likes something of his on facebook, I get insecure and I get really sad.

She's asked me to hang out a few times one on one -- but honestly, I don't want to.

My boyfriend says, "just trust me, trust that there is nothing going on between us, and trust that I would get myself out if she tried something" still though, that first lie is all I can think of. We haven't had any heated arguments about the topic either -- but it's been the number one discussion between us for the last few weeks. As of right now, It feels like its ruining our relationship. I hardly feel like seeing him, or hardly have the urge to kiss or hug him.

How can I deal with this female friend appropriately? I don't want to be THAT girlfriend who tells her boyfriend to not see his female friends.

Updates:
11d I think its more so the lie that I am trying to get over.
10d Seems like the thing to do would be to really get to know her. I accepted her invitation to hang out so we'll see what happens!

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What Guys Said 24

  • I don't think he lied to you, he just left it out because he felt it was irrelevant, just as you said. It is not necessary that he has to mention the name of everybody he is going to hang out with every time he is going out. That's what mothers ask when you are living in your parents house at a young age.

    I feel like you are making it a bigger deal than it actually is, he has even tried reassuring you of how feels about you. The best way to deal with the your boyfriends female friend is to go out and meet up with this girlfriend. It doesn't help that you rejected her invitation to hang out. Go ahead and get to know her, who knows you might end up being good friends with her.

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    • 11d

      This has happened before, but I eventually got over it. I guess having it happen again makes me upset.

  • He lied to you once and now it's hard to get over that fact, totally understandable, if that was my girl and she had to lie about hanging out with a coworker, then I would be Leary of their situation also. Once that trust is gone it's really hard to get it back. Your limited on your options: you can tell him to stop talking to her, even while they're working together (that would be difficult); you can tell him to quit his job and find another; or you could just trust him and hope he does the right thing; or the ultimate move would be to leave him. It's a hard move to make, it depends on your guys' relationship and how well you know each other and what you're willing to put your self through. But if you're having a hard time hugging or kissing him, it sounds like you've already made up your mind, you just have to make the move.

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    • 9d

      I don't want breaking up to be the solution -- but yah, my trust in him really has gone down. I told him to just be honest with me of who he is hanging out with. But seriously just hearing her name makes me nervous.

    • 9d

      Like I said, it's all up to you and what you want to put your self through. Nobody ever wants to breakup, it's a hard thing to do, even if it's the smartest and easiest thing to do, but our fear of not being loved is greater than the fear of going through a long excruciating ordeal. But if you want him to change you have to give him ultimatums.

    • 1d

      We ended up breaking up -- ultimately I don't think it would have worked out long term anyways, but this lying business really really upset me. He admitted to all the times they've hung out -- and she even let him "crash on his couch one night" when she was over. He'll deny it probably for the rest of his life, but I'm 99% sure there was something going on between them.

  • Just meet her one on one and tell her if you catch them doing anything you'll slit her throat. You gotta educate.

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  • He didn't lie.

    If this ruins your relationship, it's because you are insecure and don't trust him. You need to find a way to make peace with this in your head because, as you said, you don't want to be that girl who tells her boyfriend who he is allowed to be friends with.

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  • i think u need to hang out with her, regardless of HOW U FEEL. u need to find out what she's up to and thats the best way to do it. if she is asking to many questions about HIM that is a red flag. u need to keep on the offensive and ask about her.

    also u should be upset about that lie. why did he feel the need to lie about hanging out with a girl? what did he do? shady shady...

    and as a bf/gf some friends get fired as a side effect, its the nature of the game. i honestly would not feel bad about it. if i think a friend is bad to my gfs health i will not hesitate to tell them they can't hang out with them anymore.

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  • If you can't tell him how you feel then have faith he won't betray you. I know it's hard to trust. I don't trust my car (it's a piece of crap) but I have faith it'll keep on trucking for me. I don't trust that the sun will always rise everyday but I have faith it will. I don't trust the bible but I have faith it's truth. Faith and choice is what separates us from the animals. Don't be an animal. Choose to have faith in your man. Or choose to leave. Or perhaps your best bet is to tell your man you don't like her or their relationship (friendship) and you'll be happier and feel better off if they just kept it co worker's. Nothing more. Like friendly hello goodbye a helping hand but no further only work related. Stress that this is for you. He may not like it but if he cares for you he'll do it. Why wouldn't he?

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  • You could just hang out with her friend and maybe that would help you trust that girl more?

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  • By not being a crazy possessive girlfriend

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  • I can see only one option... Murder her.

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    • 9d

      I agree with this guy, he makes a good argument... You should murder her

  • At the end of the day, if you can't trust your boyfriend to hang out with other women, or have other women as friends, Then you are going to lose if every man you have a relationship.

    he is entitled to have friends that are women, just as you are with men. Now if you don't trust your boyfriend with other women, but sorry to say you are the one with the issues. At the end of the day, he hasn't done anything to serious in terms of ruining the trust between you. The only thing he did do, was not tell you the person's name, who was girl. He doesn't have to tell every persons name, who he hangs out with, unless have good evidence to suspect him of cheating on you, until that point comes, you have to keep your knickers on. ( think you are bit of a control freak.

    “Trust is not about the other person. How much you trust someone else is a function of how much you trust yourself and your ability to handle whatever they do.

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    • 9d

      Keeping that information away from me is what upset me. Ever since then I've been suspicious of their friendship. I don't want breaking up with him to be the solution -- but it feels like it might be.

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    • 9d

      You need to speak him properly about it, speaking to to us, is not going resolve the situation. We can only give you advice based on the information you give us, and plus we don't know the people involved, so that make it even harder for us, to give advice. But if you are really hurt, for what he did, and caused you to mistrust him, then you must decide is there is a future with him?

    • 1d

      We ended up breaking up. It probably wouldn't have worked out long term anyways, I guess. BUt this lying business did it for me anyways. He admitted to all the times they've hung out -- and he even let her "crash on his couch one night" when she was over. He'll deny it probably for the rest of his life, but I'm 99% sure there was something going on between them.

  • This is why I just stay single. I inherently trust no one and assume everyone is cheating (more often than not I'm right in being quite the pessimist). My suggestion is if it drives you nuts just dump him and stay single (what I've done past 11+ years, being lonely is far easier to get used to) or simply find someone with no social life to worry about and hope their lack of family ties or friends is not due to some psychopathy.

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  • just hang out

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  • Why can you just trust you boy friend with it?
    If he is cheating type, you will get the clear answer cuz he is gona ruin your life if you have married him.

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  • That first lie messed it all up... Its normal to worry now.

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  • Hang out with her what's the big deal?

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    • 10d

      Best you can do. Get to know her and if she is friends with him good chance you will get along with her

    • 9d

      That's what I'm planning to do. I'm not thrilled to, but I guess if it's going to potentially put my mind at ease.

  • Do you think you should and could ask him to think and talk about you more often?

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  • Take a leap of faith & let the things work out themselves. You'll if he is truly loyal with you or it was just one of his bluffs.

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    • 9d

      So far it's been hard. It's almost physically stressing me out. But I guess the fake it till I make it approach is best?

  • find a new boyfriend

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  • Did he actually lie to you, because the rest of what you said made it sound like he just didn't tell you. If he told you he was doing something else, then you'd be right to be suspicious, but if he just didn't tell you that's not lying and you making it out to be lying makes you sound crazy.

    If he actually lied, then he's probably cheating so dump him. If he didn't lie then he's better off without you and your crazy, so dump him.

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    • 9d

      I just found it suspicious that he casually left that bit of info out. Like he never leaves that stuff out, and he has done this before. I really don't care who he hangs out with, and he usually does tell m, and I usually tell him.

    • 8d

      Yeah, you're overthinking it. Give him space to hang with friends and don't expect him to give you every little detail, or you WILL lose him

    • 3d

      I broke up with him. I can't take being lied to, and I caught him in another one regarding the same girl.

  • It wouldn't be a problem if he wasn't secretive because if he has nothing to hide with their friendship then you know she's just a friend and that's it, so confront him about and just ask him if there is nothing to worry about then don't hide the fact that you hang out with her

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  • my mentor used to say: "whoever screws you ove he'll screw you over again"... . your trust is rightfully lost towards him. and if he had to lie thats suspicious.

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  • Have a threesome

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  • Men lie because women overreact

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    • 11d

      It's true. Women are irrational and I support men manipulating for everyone's well being. I use to be a white knight very honest and good and women destroy guys like that

  • You know what? People have BFFs from opposite gender too. No I don't have one. But people have such friends. So this could be a kind same too. But your vigilance never wastes. Get more info on her. Ask your boyfriend how their friendship is defined on his perspective. Go and hang out with her. May be just for once. You'll gather more intel.

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    • 9d

      He defines her as "someone who I am comfortable around, and can just relax with."

    • 9d

      Go and get know her. And don't you know any of his friends who know about her too?

What Girls Said 4

  • Actually, you feel very jealous of her, and you feel that your boyfriend is going to leave you for somebody like her, so your not sure what to think right now. And him lying to you about who he was talking to was very clear that you started to feel mistrust about him. Here's the thing, if you can't learn to respect who he associates with, then it's best that you do not remain in that relationship. There is no point in you being involved with a person you don't trust. You can say how you don't want him around her, but it's his choice. What do his actions say about him and how he is treating you? That is what you have to look at. But if you don't say anything, then how is he going to know? If your too afraid of conflict then this relationship is not for you.

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    • 10d

      Update:

      That is all you can do right now. But remember to not let your insecurities get to you unless it warrents it.

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    • 6d

      @Asker

      Forget now, just let it go. And if you still feel you can't trust it, then it's best to leave. Because it's not them, it's going to be you. Other than that, still take things one step at a time.

    • 1d

      I broke up with him, it probably wouldn't have worked out long term anyways. My trust in him was gone gone gone. The lying really did it for me. He admitted to all the times they've hung out -- and he even let her "crash on his couch one night" when she was over. He'll deny it probably for the rest of his life, but I'm 99% sure there was something going on between them.

  • son do anything

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  • He lied to you already so red flag it sounds like.

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  • dont care her

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