He's been giving me the silent treatment after I declined sex. Am I being played or used?

So I've been on 4 dates with this guy over a couple of months. Really started to like him, I met some of his friends the other night and they were referring to me as his "girlfriend" and he didn't say anything. So I just went along with it and laughed.
Later that evening we went back to his place and he initiated sex, but I politely declined. He was okay with it, but I felt awkward so decided to drive home rather than sleep over. He didn't even contact me the next day to ask if I got home okay or initiate any conversation. I text him to say how bad it was of him and he didn't even reply. Do I confront or just leave it? Was he just after sex?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hi sorry it turned out like this, kind of sucks.

    You have two options,

    1 Leave it, put out down to experience and remember in future to have some sort of sex chat after the first time you get steamy, that way you set some expectations. AT LEAST you should make it clear... if I come over to yours I'm not jumping into bed with you, you can always be playful when you say this, as in we can play but no sex, but personally I don't even go there, as not to tempt or send the wrong signal.

    2. Be honest, say that you like him, and the reason you stopped is nothing he did or that you don't like him, you just have values that mean I like to wait, to make sure I'm giving my body to the right man. You could say how you understand that some men like girls who are more easy, and that your sorry you didn't explain that earlier.

    Leave it at that, if he doesn't reply then you lucky got away.

    Hope you work it out :)

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    • 13d

      Thank you. I think by avoiding an awkward conversation, I've made an even bigger awkward situation now. I'll call him or try and speak face to face because it's going to bug me if I don't get a definitive explanation.

    • 13d

      Ok, I understand... I'd be like that to. Also remember this though. If his explanation is anything other than he felt embarrassed. I'd see this behavior (ignoring) as red flag behaviour, people don't ignore people for not wanting sex, it's manipulative, passive aggressive. It could also be a sign of things to come, good luck :)

What Guys Said 14

  • Had you had sex before or fooled around a bit (handjobs etc.)? Maybe you should talk about sex and your expectations. I'm sure he was expecting to have sex that night and had to settle for jerking off when you left. I would confront it and ask him wtf? Your thoughts?

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    • 13d

      No we haven't had sex. On that day we fooled around but I stopped it from going any further. I want to ask wtf but at the same time I don't to look like that emotional girl that won't take a hint.

    • 12d

      You will never know whats up unless you ask. I would not think you were some emotional train wreck... just talk with him otherwise you will always be wondering what if?

  • You'll never know if he was just after sex or if he wanted a relationship, but on that night he made his interest in you clear and you rejected him. In his mind (and probably most male humans) you weren't accepting the offer of going back to his place to play a game of scrabble...

    You then compounded it by accusing him of something when you had NO idea what his reasons were. So he gets turned down during the most intimate moment possible, then gets a nasty text after about it. Poor guy is probably wondering where he went wrong. Just leave him alone I say.

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  • If he hasn't just ghosted you he is giving you the silent treatment probably to pressure you for sex. You're obviously not ready yet so you can try to talk to him about it if he hasn't ghosted but I would recommend moving on.

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  • He maybe was, but maybe he wasn't. For some people, sex is much more important for them to asses their interest or how they feel. And many guys fear a girl will hold off sex for very long while they ignore or reject other possible options.

    What is for sure is: He didn't pushed for sex but he made clear he wanted it, while you made clear you didn't so he lost interest. Probably is best to leave it be.

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  • Cut your losses and move on.

    Be glad. The one of questionable values/priorities was eliminated by self-selection.

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    • 13d

      I'm tired of this dating life.

    • 13d

      Yeah... I know, right? So many people, so few qualified candidates. Constantly searching can be quire tiring.

      For now, I've decided to just live my life, expand my circle/net of contacts, and spring to action at the right time. (sigh) I am still waiting... No one interesting, yet.

  • I like the guy already.

    See, in my eyes, he did the right thing. He knows exactly what he wants, he isn't shy to commit and take things forward, he's even respectful of your consent. But he recognises a bad deal when he sees it, and doesn't lead you on on false hopes.

    This is a good guy right here.

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  • This looks (to me) a bit more complex than it looks (to you).

    I like to say that I know myself pretty damn well. And when a girl suddenly pulls back from me, shows less interest or gives me the idea that I'm pushing her away, I very rarely give chase. When that happens, I tend to give her space so that when she's ready to talk to me again she can do so. I'm not risking being known as a creep just for a girl I had only recently met.

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  • i bet he assumes you rejected/friendzoned him xD that´s why he gave up on you.

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  • used

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  • He probably was ok with no sex but was hurt or offended when you opted to go home. That's actually a bigger rejection than no sex.

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    • 13d

      I sent before I was done.
      I think you already did confront him when you said "how bad it was of him" what was bad of him? He accepted no sex or as you say was ok with it but you left. if anything, you might reach out if you get to see him in person to talk about it.

    • 13d

      It's just common courtesy to make sure I got home safe. He didn't contact me all morning.

    • 13d

      You are correct. I'm just thinking it wasn't the denial of sex that got him to the point of not calling/contacting you, it was you leaving. so if you are interested in seeing him again you might contact him. But 4 dates over 2 months isn't showing a high degree of interest on his part.

  • He thinks you don't like him anymore, and plus now you're angry at him for it, which is weird. You can stab a guy with a knife, but don't get mad at him for getting blood on your hands.

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    • 13d

      I'm annoyed that he didn't care to see if I got home safely at 5am.

    • 13d

      Yeah, but that's how you feel. How he THOUGHT you felt was entirely different. He THOUGHT you were mad at/disgusted with him, and he is afraid to do or say anything because he thinks anything he does will be wrong and make things worse. (He doesn't know what he did wrong in the first place, so now everything he thinks, says, and does is suspect.) He's probably pacing in his house right now practicing what to say when you break up with him.

  • to be frank, you texted him to tell him how bad it was of him instead of a simple hi or explaining why you had to leave?
    Him initiating sex is not a bad thing. Quite the opposite. I would assume you want him to be physically attracted to you at this point. You taking off with some made-up excuse is more than enough cause for him to second-guess where you two stand.

    In his eyes, it might very well be you who should have apologized.

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  • He was looking for sex. Maybe just sex, maybe more, but not less. He's moved on.

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  • your first text to him was to accuse him of not checking up on you? or did you try and chat, he could feel embarrassed for pressuring you.

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    • 13d

      Yes, I just mentioned that I thought it was quite bad because anything could have happened to me.

What Girls Said 18

  • A guy I dated basically threw me out because I said no to sex once. It was three in the morning which forced me to walk alone through a park (that was known to be a bad place, especially for women) and got stopped by a bunch of guys. I was so pissed off by then that I think I scared the shit out of them when I told them to let me go lol.

    The explanation I got a few days later was that he was afraid it would get awkward.

    You probably hurt his ego. He should be able to take a no without disappearing on you. Especially if he was in it for a relationship. I would forget about him if I were you.

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    • 13d

      Wow that must have been so scary and awful. I really want to just ignore him, but he's the first in a long time that I've connected with

  • With my boyfriend i had also declined a few times and i told him i wasn't ready, but he never did that, i wouldn't like that. I think you should talk to him about it, tell him you like taking things slow, see what he thinks about that. If he doesn't like that and ignores you again, move on.

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  • Well... I guess you have a better idea of this guy's character than we do. Is he used to sleeping with girls early on when he dates? Is he patient? Have you guys even spoke of sleeping together? Is he the forceful type? Or is he more sensitive?

    It really will all depend on his character and it's hard to tell by what you've said. It could either be one of two scenarios:

    The first is that he just wants to have sex and really isn't interested in a proper relationship. And the second is that he's sitting at home scared that he completely freaked you out.

    However, I know that if I'd left after my (now) boyfriend had tried to have sex with me and I refused him, I know whole heartedly he'd have been pretty concerned about me and worried that he'd overstepped the mark. Which means he would have text the next day to make sure that i was alright.

    In all honesty, maybe give it a few more days and try to talk to him again? Perhaps the telling him off text has scared him off a little, although, maybe your instincts are trying to tell you something when that's the kinda message you sent to him in the first place?

    I say be wary! One time I was 18 and interested in 20 year old guy, sure, if we were out he wouldn't mind his friends referring to me as 'his girl' although, I never ever was 'his girl'. He'd just laugh if his friends would suggest it but we never had the relationship talk and certainly never verbally expressed interest in being official. In the end up? I was in a situation similar to yours. He was only interested in me on Saturday nights when he was drunk. The day after or the week after, I'd be lucky if he'd even reply to my texts, and I wouldn't hear from him until then next time he saw me out in town. Then? If I did go back to his on a Saturday night, he tried to sleep with me, and I always refused. No way was I giving myself to someone who couldn't even text me back after leaving his house at night because I didn't want to have sex.

    All I can say is... please be very careful! something about this situation reminds me of the situation I found myself in. I was so naive I let that guy lead me a merry dance, all when he actually had put a bet on with friends that he'd sleep with me. It was horrible when I found that out, was absolutely devastated someone had put a bet on me like I was some kind of horse or trophy prize.

    So, please take care and if he can't respond to your texts? He is not worthy of you and he never, ever will be :)

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  • Yes, he was just after sex. It's best to just drop him immediately. That's why you don't just go over to somebody's house. That is the only reason why he wanted to date you just for that. And now he's mad because he didn't get what he really wanted: sex. Just move on. He played and used you.

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  • He's an ass.

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  • Consider him a douche and move on. Some guys can instantly be so rude.

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  • I'd just leave it. If he's not speaking to you just cos you declined sex then he's trying to control you by manipulation. If he genuinely cares about you he'd be patient and understanding. It's immature of him to give you the silent treatment for declining sex with him

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  • When you say you text him to say how bad the was of him, when did you text that and what exactly did you say?

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    • 13d

      I said it the afternoon after... I just said "something bad could've happened to me & you didn't even bother to see if I got home safe."

    • 13d

      It could be that he lost interest because all he wanted was sex... but honestly, it's just as likely that receiving a text like that put him off... that would have come off really bitchy.

  • If he can't respect you and what you want then he doesn't love you and you shouldn't settle for that honey.

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  • It sounds pretty complicated. Maybe he just wanted sex, OR maybe he felt rejected by you because you chose to leave and then sent him an angry text.

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  • he was just looking for sex not that everything is over

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  • Maybe you're over reacting but with some guys if you don't sleep with them by the third date they're kind of over it lol. I wouldn't take it personally and if it bothers you that much then maybe he's not the one you want to be spending time with

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  • Maybe he was or maybe he thinks sex is a key part of a relationship and he doesn't think you are going to give it to him

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  • If he was just after sex he would of tried after the first date..

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  • Have you guys ever talked about your expectations for the relationship? Did you tell him you wanted something serious?

    I ask because you guys both sound like decent people (from your explanation) but it just sounds like there is a complete absence of communication.

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    • 13d

      Yea we discussed what we wanted on our first date. But haven't touched in ur since. So when he was ready to "get down" I just didn't want to make a bad decision and interpret as he was ready for a relationship with me, rather than him just being horny.

    • 6d

      Wow, I'm so sorry I'm just now seeing this!
      If the option is still available and you really do like him I think you should ask him if he views this as something serious. And if he wants something different than what you're looking for then you should find someone who's interests line up with yours.

      This is just my opinion, but I definitely don't think you should pursue a relationship won't uphold your values. There's something out there for everyone and everybody deserves to be fulfilled.

  • you are used

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  • Yes he just wanted sex.

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  • You're being used. Giving someone the silent treatment over something like that is totally immature. And why won't he refer to you as his girlfriend if its been 4 months already? He could be hiding something.

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    • 13d

      It's been nearly 2 months. You're right though

    • 13d

      I have a boyfriend and we've been dating for 4 months so far and he never gives me the silent treatment if he's upset. And in fact, he likes to brag about me to his friends. He definitely calls me his girlfriend so its strange that he won't. Obviously hiding something or maybe he has commitment issues.

    • 13d

      If he's upset about something, he will tell me about it too.

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