Dated my boss, it's over, she holds all the cards. Bit annoyed.

(this is one of a series about this situation. People have been brill before, so this is an update sort of and a reach out for new advice if you can... Thanks!)

Hi

So basically, I work Saturday nights at a bar as a DJ. I get chatting to the new Manager (me 29, her 26). She's in the midst of a breakup with her bloke of like 7 years (best mates, then couple, he lives far away, he's like 40 and all that)

We get together, nothing planned, just hanging out lead to stuff. We have 1 brill month and then she does the "i'm confused bit" and 2/3 weeks later tells me she's going back to him as she has unresolved feelings and she basically needs to flog the dead horse. She can't be with me thinking of him and she can't move on thinking "what if"... Now, I'm gutted, as we got on really well and she's a lot of fun. But I agree with her for the most part and acknowledge that she has to get this over with and see how it goes.

That was 3 weeks ago. Now, as I say, I really liked her and in the last 3 weeks she's popped over for a drink twice and we've had a proper laugh at work the two nights we worked together (she tends to be on shift like 2 or 3 Saturdays a month). I don't know if she's back with him yet, she's decent enough to be thoughtful and not mention it. But I'm hearing from her less and I obviously still want something to happen but know it won't.

I'm caught between "getting" her situation and respecting her honesty and how she handled it (she could easily have played me like a fiddle) and knowing that the "the one" situation if always a b!tch to deal with.

But also, it now feels like our being friends is entirely at her beck and call, for example, she messages me asking for a drink, I'm free so say yeah. I ask her if she fancies one and no reply. the next day get "sorry, was manic busy, I've got next sat off too now! you'll have to cope without me! X"...

So shall I just leave it well alone? Be polite and get on with it at work (after all she is the boss and the gig pays very well for what it is). I like her, she's fun, bright and ballsy (timid women bore me). "forgetting" her won't be easy, in theory being mates is ok. But the idea of her with him is driving me nuts and her distance is understandable, but it eats at me. Every message I hope its her. I'm 29, I feel like I'm 15 again.

Sorry this has been a bit of a rant, thanks for reading. Any advice? what would you do if you were me?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • ok I think I've responded to this one before and can you please listen this time...STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP F***INGGGGGGG talkingGGGGGGGGG TOOOOOOOOOOO HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

    ...jesus...not entirely but dude youve got to stop trying so f***in hard...shes USING YOU, its like if all else fails you're there and she knows it...stop becoming so available...be "busy" weather you are or not, say you are...show her that she can't walk all over you like a door mat...you obviously f***ed up one, because she's your boss...two, because she knows she has you at the tip of her finger and three, dude ur just too nice to be a d***...

    stop being so open, yes she's your boss so you have to play things a little differnetly...when she asks you for a drink, don't respond right away...wait 15min or hell maybe an hour or so...then be like hey what's up...nothing liek oh sorry I was busy what are you doing...enough of this p**** sh*t...seriously man stop doing this you're killing yourself inside you need to stop

    i know you like her, I know how you feel, TAKE IT FROM MY EXPIERENCE! STOP STOP STOP STOP trying so hard, be there for her when she NEEDS you...not like oh hey wanna grab a drink and say yes all the time...like if she's liek omg I need to talk to you somethings up then you can be your "are you ok" type of guy...but you need to stop man, I hate to be a d*** about this but ur digging ur own emotional grave...

    also stopping you should start to see other people, not date...but make new friends, talk with girls, anything to get her off your mind, you're a f***in DJ you should have tons of girls coming up to you...show this girl taht she's not the only one in your life and that if she isn't yours you can easily be taken away by another girl...

    but please stop trying so hard...just be yourse,f live your life...stop revolving it around her, there's another guy, let her realize that you're better and you're worht it...if not f*** it its her loss...

    i probably rambled a lot but dude stop...honestly, I did the same thing with my ex but only for a month then I stopped and I talk to her now and then but I DO NOT give in every time, only if she was my offical girl would i...you've got the lay the law down and draw the line...youre FRIENDS not Boyfriend Girlfriend ok...make sure that's clear

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    • Thanks a lot for the help dude. I am driving myself a bit nuts and your advice is spot on. Wish I could be a bit more of a d*** if honest, but I think your advice is realistic and clear. Have read it like 3 time already! lol... Your help is very much appreciated. I need to play this cool to keep the job, but so far I don't think I've been too stupid. Will give your game plan a go. Cheers mate!

    • Np man, sometimes people just need a wake up call...look you know what you want, I'm just here to try and help you NOT f*** yourself over...you should really invest some time at being friends with her ONLY WHEN YOURE READY....you know youreself better than anyone...if youthink you can be friends and then sh*t you start getting jealous or feeligns back, then you need to back off because ur not over her yet...just take your time man TIME TIME TIME alright, I'm here if you need me

    • Take some advice from artistbboy as well...he's helped me thru a lot with my ex and he's a good guy...hes got different view points than I do in some areas and we both will give hard headed advice, sometimes its sh*t you don't wanna hear, but we're here to try and help as easily as we can, remember only YOU know everything that's going on, we're just advice givers going on what you've told us...kepp ur head up man - its always easier said than done and its always best to vent here than to her

What Girls Said 0

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What Guys Said 2

  • If I were you- I would just treat her like a friend and be done with it. Here's why I say that:

    - You make arrangements to have a drink and she says no

    - But yet you are busy equally as well, and she asks where you accept

    - It's also obvious that she has another man of interest in her life

    etc

    The point being this:

    - When I think of relationships and I realise that the girl I'm seeing doesn't give me the attention I'm looking for, but yet she can feed the same attention to the man she cares about, I instantly disqualify her and treat her accordingly... Like a friend.

    ~ ArtistBBoy

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  • I would move on. Don't let this girl drive you mad. Besides, dating your boss is a big risk, especially if you like your job. Good luck!

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    • Your right, dating the boss was a mistake in retrospect, but it wasn't like it was planned. one moment having drinks and chat with a (granted, hot) mate. 15 mins later, got a hot naked girl in my bed... bit difficult to say no at that point!! lol. Thanks for the help though! :-)

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