Did I move too fast?

Met new guy, hit it off. Foolishly had sex on second date and started to get paranoid this might be a relationship killer. Decided to speak with him about it. I basically said that when sex enters the picture it brings with it feelings or expectations and if it happens too fast the people involved might not be ready. I told him I liked him but wasn't sure this soon if I wanted a relationship with him but that I was definitely sure I didn't want to slip into something purely casual.

He told me that as he saw it I was ruling out all the possibilities. I explained that wasn't the case and that I didn't mean we shouldn't have had (or should stop having) sex, only that I didn't want just casual sex.

He assured me that he wasn't interested in just sex and to him sex doesn't actually change much, which is fine BUT he said to be honest about himself he generally treasures every bit of his freedom and isn't into serious relationships. He said that he is down for going with the flow of things and seeing where things leads as long as there aren't any great expectations. Part of me thinks that's reasonable enough. I wouldn't really expect any guy to be asking for something serious so soon. The other part of me thinks this contradicts his earlier statement about wanting more than just sex?

I have told him that I don't have any real expectations except that if he wants to continue a sexual relationship with me then I expect him to not have sex with other women. (I don't to be part of a harem)

I guess I'm worried he wants a relationship without possibilities, which to me sorta is a casual relationship. I don't want to be someone he picks up whenever he feels like it...or maybe I'm over thinking the whole thing? Confused.

Updates:
Thanks for the replies everyone! I've been putting this update off. Basically, I've discovered that he's married :(...Yea., I'm a drunken idiot and I'm mortified. Lesson learned. Anyways, dating somebody else now :...this one's not married :)

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Geez, it sounds like he is interested in having the rights to you but does not want to deal with you. He wants all the perks of a relationship, but none of the responsibilities or work that comes with it. I don't know, to me he sounds like a player...

    I am 21 and am chompin at the bit to meet a nice, attractive girl that wants a relationship. I'm looking for that person that I can spend time with and enjoy being around. All that work and responsibility of treating you right and making you happy because you are his girl, should not matter. If he really likes and cares about you, he won't care and it should not feel like work to him. And for him to have sex with you and say it does not matter or change anything p*sses me off! Sex is a huge deal and if he got it on the second date and then you say you don't really have any expectations for him as far as a serious relationship. You just gave him the free sex pass. He just struck oil and has to do bare minimum to get sex. This is coming from a guy who is not looking for sex though, so hopefully this gives you a different angle.

    Personally I would have walked 1,000 miles to give my last girlfriend flowers. I was in love with her and would have almost done anything for her (broke up 6 months ago). We had a couple serious talks about sex. She had been with one guy before and I was a virgin (still am, lol). I told her I wanted to...oh god did I want to! But I said I wanted to wait because I cared about her to much to cheapen it. We also had only been together for three months. Two weeks later she cheated on me and had told a couple big lies and I ended it. I failed my Anatomy class because I stopped showing up because I was so depressed and could not stop thinking about her. I was in love with her and she threw my heart into a blender!

    I guess my point is that... if all that can happen because of NOT having sex, then SEX DOES MATTER! Don't settle for being his booty call and do not settle for a guy that wants no strings attached or relationship responsibilities. You deserve better then that, all girls deserve better then that!

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    • Good to know that are guys like you

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    • Just wanted to say that you seem like a real quality guy. I know you're going to make some lucky girl very happy some day. Choose carefully and don't every change:)

    • I wish it was a little more beneficial for me. I am pretty much as single as it gets and am only meeting girls that are not my type. They are either party crazy and want sex very soon after meeting or are just dumb and don't know what they want in life. I am looking in the right places I know it. But I cannot seem to find any good girls.

What Guys Said 19

  • look at it this way. Guys are really more simple then they seem. If the guy is saying he is cool with going with the flow of things but isn't really into a serious relationship himself he is saying this back in regards to your comment about not really wanting a serious relationship. Your telling him you don't want casual sex and your not sure about a relationship. So what do you want? Seems like he read you right by saying you are ruling out all possibilities. I would come forth and tell the truth and say Hey I really like you. Lets have our fun go out and do things, if you are doing something else that's fine but lets chill and have fun when the time is available. If you want to put your foot down and say no sex. That's all fine and dandy to guys minds if they are actually one that's is worth your time. But your going to have to make a decision at some point. You said you were worried this was a relationship killer so Yes! you as most girls are looking for the relationship. Men do understand this. Make him want more then just the sex. Make him know you really like him, with hold the sex and make him appreciate you. Be grateful for your time together and let him know you love his company. Its simple.. tell the truth about what you want. If he can't appreciate the non sexual aspects of a relationship then just move on. men for the most part really love being in a realtionship with a really cool and straight forward girl. Maybe what you did was a good thing and you didn't move too fast. Like he is going to want to have sex again, but this time just make him earn it if you want to keep him around. Just remember to have fun and be honest and things will most of the time work out the best for you

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  • You moved too fast, and now you've RUINED things FOREVER! That's it! It's over! You can't take it back now. What's done is done. You're going to grow old, single, lonely, and NOBODY WILL EVER MARRY YOU! (screaming in background)

    Hold up and back up; seriously.

    Paranoia & initial dating insecurities aside; let's be reasonable & logical here.

    Guy and girl are dating. Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. On the second date, they have sex. Okay? Where is the issue exactly?

    Let's back up even more.

    Let's suppose nothing happened during the second date. Let's suppose you guys were going out for a week. Want to venture a guess what he would be thinking after a week? "Why haven't we had sex yet? Ugh, FML, she's one of those women who has no sex drive. Sexless marriage here I come. Or maybe she just isn't attracted to me. And if that's the case, why is she going out with me? Why are we sitting here eating or doing things, and why am I paying for all of it? Why is she wasting my time when I could be with someone else who actually is attracted to me? etc.."

    From that point on, that's when "the relationship" is more or less over. From that point it, it just becomes a quest for the guy to prove to himself that he's not just being used or that the girl finds him attractive. And that's accomplished through sex. Which means, after some point, his ONLY goal becomes sex.

    Having sex on the second date, could end up being not as stupid of a thing as you thought it would be.

    Sure, if you see his interest in you going away, then your interest in him should do the same. But that has NOTHING to do with you being "too fast" or having sex on the second date. That has less to do with you "having" sex, and more to do with him "just wanting" sex "only". The longer you would have waited to find that out; would have just meant better/more acting on his part, and more heartbreak on yours. (Not to mention time lost, that you could have been spending with someone else)

    So assuming that's not the case. Assuming you guys are still talking like you were before. Assuming he appreciates you and you guys are still going out; where do you see the catastrophe?

    He sounds like an honest guy with balls. Which means if things went slow, things would have ended. And not because "he doesn't respect you". But because "he does respect himself".

    Think of it like you respecting him as a guy. Now, if he doesn't appreciate that, he can go back to all those other girls and enjoy himself. But an honest guy with balls is unlikely to be that way. I think when guys like that find a girl who respects him as a guy, then there's not much else they could ask to find in someone else, that they don't already have.

    So just relax, see where it goes, and stop being paranoid.

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    • Ugh, really? A girl should prove she's worthy of a guy by jumping into bed with him? Inviting her out for a meal is really just paying for sex? I don't know about you, but I have a word for that. Bottom line, girls, pay your own way and wait a bit to get to know each other before you complicate things with sex. That way you'll weed out the douches like this one.

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    • So if a giy will ONLY feel like he's being used if he pays for dates?

      in other words if a guy does not pay for dates he will not feel used?

    • Exactly; after all, what is he being "used" for if he's not paying for dates?

  • You moved too fast.

    But let's not forget...he ALSO moved too fast...

    At least if he had any intention of having a serious relationship. Guys who want serious relationships generally don't have sex on the 2nd date...

    So I think you should remove from your mind any pretense that he wanted anything other than a casual relationship to begin with.

    If you continue to have sex with him, don't expect him to change just for you. I also wouldn't put a whole lot of faith in him being faithful about not having sex with other women. I mean, I don't know him but I say don't get your hopes up about that.

    If you want to give this guy a chance, then you should at least stop having sex with him. If what he said about not being "interested in just sex" is not pure BS, then nothing will change. If, however, he stops seeing you or breaks up with you, then I'm afraid he was lying. You wouldn't have had a chance at having a serious relationship with him.

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  • You'll have to use your judgement call here. Perhaps he was trying to be aloof in response to your nature. It sounds like you might've sent some mixed signals yourself.

    One one hand, he might not want to take this farther. He may want to be casual and isn't looking for anything more than a few dates before he moves on to find the next catch. On the other, you may have said something that put his guard up, and instead of acting eager or interested for something serious or potentially serious, he played it off like it was whatever to him.

    You'll have to analyze your own actions and your messages, than try to figure out his. Problem is you have only been on two dates with him, and you can't make big judgement calls about him. Still try to use your best judgement and your intuition.

    Guys can be guarded. And a smart guy knows when you act overly eager you don't get the girl. After all, nothing is less attractive than desperation.

    Figure out what you want, and go from there. Be patient, don't be afraid to ask for exclusive sexual activity, and just try to get to know him.

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    • "a smart guy knows when you act overly eager you don't get the girl. -nothing is less attractive than desperation"

      >>Don't think this applies if the girl actually in love with the guy...if I like a guy & he is honest I realy do not care if it sounds desperate or w/- because I know him in general too & he is not pathetic....Its the whole person not pw they say they say something. -The lying make the girl guarded too-don't you guys get this? - if you act guarded,then why don't you expect her to too?

  • Ok,so you want a serious relationship.

    He wants a casual realtionship.

    You foolishly had sex on the second date. Nice job. I guess your emotions went crazy and you fell for it in the moment, eh?

    How about you stand your ground to this guy, and don't give it to him again until he wants to see you exclusively.

    You want the passionate sex that means something, and he wants the fun, casual sex that's non-emotional.

    I think the best option for this guy is to keep seeing you, but no sex involved. If he builds his love for you, he'll keep coming back to see you time and time again in enjoying each other's company.

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  • first off...your situation is hella complicated, but always trust your intuition. from experience I've learned sex always complicates things in the early stages of a relationship. I can't say this is true for everyone but I've slept with quite a few girls but the only girl I ever actually was "in love" with, I never even slept with. just being in her presence did it for me, I can't say we didn't have any intimacy but sex was not the focus of our relationship. as a matter of fact...its come to the point where relationships I've had with girls that I slept with right away never last very long. my theory for this is once you sleep with a girl...theres really not much to look forward too, kinda like picking up a new book and skipping right to the end...there's no point in reading the story. I believe everything in life has a rhythm, with relationships being no different.

    anyway...back to your specific story, it sounds like he's trying to be smooth about talking you into a casual sex relationship but at the same time I'm confused because I'm not exactly sure you know what you want. you say you are not ready to date him, but then again you don't mind having sex every now and then as long as you're not a booty call and its exclusive? sorry sweetie but you can't have your cake and eat it too lol. so...i think you should step back a bit and evaluate things, do you want a bf? a friend? or just a f*ck buddy?

    I also think this guy wants all the fun with none of the responsibility (i.e., lets go with the flow of things just as long as you don't expect me to eventually be your bf). anyway...like I said...figure out what you want, let him know, and if he's not down then oh well because no one should ever settle for less.

    oh btw when a guy wants to be with a girl...he most definitely knows it.

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  • IMHO, the commonly used description for your options would be 'friend with benefits' (or 'booty call') vs boyfriend.

    Just talk it out, you're older than 16 and those things can be discussed between adults.

    It's now or never: if you don't draw the line now it will be difficult to do it later. You can always grant more liberties when you start on a strict basis. The other way around can be difficult.

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    • PS:

      Do not ask him if he's okay with it, just draw your lines (if possible in such a way he can't say anything but 'yes, I'll do it your way only')

      No reason not to say him that you feel things went too fast between you.

      You'll know quite soon if he's boyfriend material. (I'm not sure he is)

    • Do not ask him if he's okay with it, just draw your lines

      THIS^

      such a good point. For girls guys everyone. Don't make suggestions make your point so that the other person will feel like you know what you are about and the are not being played with are tested.

  • In all honestly you should dump this guy quick. He told you he "isn't into serious relationships" and that he's down as long as "there aren't any great expectations." All the clues that he does not want anything serious with you are there. You also mentioned that he said that he likes his "freedom." What this means is that he does not like to be tied down to one girl.

    It sounds like this guy is a player and knows how to play the game very well. Save yourself some heartbreak and get rid of this guy.

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  • Glad you got out of that situation while you did. Never have sex so early, with someone you barely know. Good luck on the new guy.

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  • well... here's a case of classic paranoia. this is what I think. having sex on the 2nd date wasn't a big deal at all. but the fact that you confronted him about it, and I'm guessing had a conversation with him that he'd rather not have had. everything he said to you was to put you at ease and most likely not what he was actually thinking at the time. although he may like, you just got yourself in a sticky situation. I would recommend taking a step back from it all and do other things that you enjoy. if it's meant to be it'll work out.

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  • Update:

    Problem solved. No use crying over spilt milk.

    Good luck & take care.

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  • Im sorry, but what is wrong with today''s girl. Sex on the second date? no wonder its so hard for me to find a decent girl. what ever happened to sex being a little "special".

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    • Another idiot who thinks girls should be held to a different standard then guys. If you are willing to have sex on the second or first date, you shouldn't be so quick to judge.

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    • I know what you mean man its hard to find a girl that hasn't been passed around like a blunt at a ragga concert. that's just gross.

    • It's what's wrong with today's girls - and guys. It's all about sex. You do have a point, though. A sure sign that you're dealing with someone who is not quality is that they're pushing for early sex. A good warning to heed.

  • your way over thinking...you said you don't want a tied down for sure thing yet

    neither does he.

    so what's the issue? Have fun..f*** when it happens and if it works it works if not just have fun till it ends

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  • My online girl friend is going through these same questions ; and I told her (or rather asked her) if she meet this fellow through an online dating site and that she does have higher expectations , but won't let on to breaking off the relationship with her new guy as long as he respects her. And, takes her out on the weeekends. I hope this helps, hi Meg! If you are reading this... :)

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  • just so ya know, statistics have shown that for couples who have sex on their first date, are more likely to enjoy a wilder crazier and healthier sex life in the future. upsides to all. it happened, accept it and move on

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    • Right..how many people actually form a relationship after having sex on the first date?

    • I believe its 6 out 0f 10 people in long term relationships, have sex on the first date :)

  • Bad idea to have sex too early because it gives the impression that if you gave it to me that quick you'll give t to another guy just as fast

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  • I think your thoughts about this guys are spot on.

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  • It won't affect the possiblity of a relationship if he really likes you...if he was just interested in friends with benefits or a hook up he will leave if he stays with you he is into you...

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  • Sex on second date? I won’t consider it good, we seen often men lose interest when they have sex in early stage of relationship so sex should not come early in relationship.

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    • Thats not true. people are different.

      Ive been with my boyfriend for 8 years had sex on the first day I've met him and be in love since

      and still having sex

    • I think he is mad or have no sense about relationship, you must have had sex with others during 8 years relationship

What Girls Said 6

  • Once you have sex, you cannot go backwards. And, unfortunately, you can have a talk like you did with him, but it will pretty much leave you confused. There is no way a guy or even you can know where things are headed. You can tell him you don't want a casual relationship but until he changes things up, you will be fully in the middle of a casual relationship.

    The best you can do at this point is decide what you want for yourself. If you want a sexually exclusive relationship with him, you need to let him know that. This is why having sex so quickly is a problem (at least one of the reasons), because you are having to be more serious and have the type of talks that really are not meant for early dating. Early dating should be casual and fun and about getting to know each other. Adding sex in, you now need to ask a guy who has told you he "generally treasures every bit of his freedom" that you need him to give up some of that by not having sex with anyone else. And, that would also mean he would not date others, because, really, dating is a step towards physical intimacy at some point.

    He sounds like he wanted to date you, sure he will enjoy having the sex, but I wouldn't hold my breathe for him to convert this to a relationship. It could happen, but just be forewarned that I wouldn't count on it.

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    • Sorry to hear your update. What a jerk. This is another reason to wait a while. A guy who is married and just looking for a hookup deal will not be able to see you often, will not be able to hang out in public, and will likely not see you for long if sex is not involved. There are ways to weed a guy like this out, but it takes time.

  • Both of you are confused.Which is normal because you just started dating.

    If you like this guy, then stop having "talks", and just go with the flow. Don't bring up your feelings and worries about him. He doesn't want to hear it. Just take this time to get to know him.

    If you don't want to be "used" for sex, then don't have sex wiith him. If you can't control yourself, then prevent any situation that could lead to sex (ex. Dont: sleep at his place, stay out too late, get drunk with him...). And if you don't want to be the girl he calls when he is bored, or hangs out with because he is bored, then don't always pick up and don't accept last minute invites.

    Oh and stop over analyzing things. Just have fun.

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    • If it is NORMAL to be confused then it is NORMAL to talk...if she is confused she has the right to sort things out.

      u are telling her not to be controlled by the guy, but the advice you give her is telling her to play, all sorts of games to keep him interested..its childish & it will be a crazy situation soon.anyone with self respect is not afraid to talk if they want to talk about what they want or do not want.... if he does not want to hear it- he is not worth her time...she will be living a lie.

  • Trust your gut on this one. You clearly do have real expectations, and you have every right to if you want a relationship. He told you that he isn't "into serious relationships". That right there is a red flag. Believe what he is telling you. He wants to continue having sex with you without a real commitment. He's telling you he wants to "go with the flow of things" because if he outright admits that he's not interested in ever getting serious, he will lose this opportunity for sex. Please don't make the same mistake I did by giving this a chance because based on what he has told you, this situation has no chance for a real future. Dump him and go out and find someone better.

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  • I totally understand where you're coming from, I am dating now but when I was single I was paranoid about having sex too early so I just vowed not to have sex until I knew the person's values a bit better. But since you've already had sex, you may have something to worry about in terms of his being around only on a casual basis and it took guts to talk to him about it. If he takes off based on that one conversation you had with him - what potential could he have had to get into anything more serious anyways? You may be completely over-thinking this as most girls do so easily, at this point, you've had sex with him and you've already talked to him so now, when you see him forget you ever talked to him, just be the fun, care-free person you are as if you hadn't talked to him and lure him into something less casual and more monogamous just from his love of being around you. He's obviously going to think he can get more sex out of you which is probably this issue here. So in this case - when he's clearly trying to initiate, you have the choice to have sex with him or not so you should only have sex with him on your terms. You can tell him before you start that - you've talked to him about it and after this second time, if you're not enjoying the way things are going and you feel that you're being 'used' that you're going to have to cut him off. Which is what you should do - nobody should feel used. This is the only advice I can give. You also have the choice to cut off sex completely with him until you are sure he's around for something else. I didn't have sex with my current boyfriend until a month later (weve been dating a year and a half). It's up to you but everything you do should be on your terms. don't do things to keep him around.

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  • Guess what; I've met and been involved with a few and from what comments he's made; id say he's a 'player' so I'd keep away or take the risk of getting hurt; because why should you seriously settle for less than what you expect (as nothing wrong with having standards! A real man will respect you more for that! Trust me; I've lived and learnt that; us woman give too much too quick and they take advantage... your call but it's some advise if I'd taken a while ago would have saved myself a lot of heart ache! x Let me know how you go ! x

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  • That does sound confusing, but I don't think that you ruined anything here. I think that he does like you, isn't he the one who mentioned first bringing up any posablities? He seems to have real feelings for you because he still wants to see you, and get to know you. He said that he is open to going with the flow and doesn't going with the flow mean that there is an option of maybe something rly more.. I would take your time and get to know him and have him get to know you. If you want hold off on the sex til you feel like it is right and when you both are on the same page of where your guys "situation" is heading.. but def relax and have fun with this you never know what will happen..

    *best of luck with this*

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