Why does she do it?

I have been in love with a girl for the past year and a half of our one year, eight month relationship and it is the same for her. However things changed when she moved to Oregon. I asked her if she wanted to just be friends so that she didn't feel tied down by me when she was so far away. (I live in California.) To my great happiness she said that wouldn't be necessary and that she would always be loyal to me. We agreed that we'd pull through together. Three and a half months later, she told me that she had been cheating on me with a guy, who she told me was her friend before this, for the past three months. Needless to say I was devastated. I felt like someone forced their hand into my heart and ripped out everything that ever meant anything to me. I told her that she needed to choose between the two of us, thinking that her answer would be an instantaneous, "you", but she hesitated. A minute or so later she said that she would choose me. (That hesitation made me question so much about our relationship, like whether I had done enough for her and such.) The next day she broke up with kyle as we agreed, but she told me that she wanted to break up with me too so that she could just take a break from boys, but that she would come back to me soon. (Roughly the beginning of the school year, I believe.) Since then I have done my best to forgive and forget because I love her more than anything or anyone and I want us to make it through, but she still spends time with kyle. She told me that the reason she went out with him in the first place was because he was a lot like me and since she couldn't have me physically there, she took him, but acted as if it were me. More or less, she "thought" it was me, but used his body instead of mine. I accepted this as her reason and tried to move on, but she still spends time with him. She tells me that he is her closest friend up there and he knows everything that's going on for her in Oregon. It's these things that remind me of him sneaking over in the middle of the night to go to sleep with each other, or sitting and "watching" movies when they were in fact kissing in the dark, or holding hands and saying "I love you" to each other, all of these things I shared with this beautiful and kind girl. I know that I still want to be with her, but I don't know how I am supposed to deal with her always spending time this guy. I am desperate for a solution and have felt for the last month completely empty. I seek your advice most humbly.

-Colin


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What Guys Said 1

  • First of all, the delay in her response means it was not a flippant response, and it could be trusted, at that moment. However, her decision to take a break from guys and still hang out with him is proof that she iw conflicted and in need of a friend, who she conveniently finds him to be. I would suggest you talk with her face-to-face and ask ehr the questions you are holding deep inside, listening to her words, but reading her body language and tone as well. They are the majority of communication anyway, so it will be hard for her to "protect" you from the whole truth, unless you want to be deceived.

    Pray about it as well. God is closer to her than either of you have ever been and He can open her eyes, when no one else can break through. You don't want her taking on protective mechanisms to keep her self safe. She needs to be free to trust and let God protect her. Open your heart to Him, let Him know how you feel. He can take the passion, emotions, even the wording that will come out. What He wants is honesty. Once you lay it out to Him, see what He does with the authority you have given Him. He is the only One who can bring her back, and heal both of you in the process.

    Of course, if she chooses not to come back, she is removing her self from the umbrella of your protectiona nd subjecting her self to whatever comes. God will still heal you, and work with her to bring her back, only He is a gentleman who does not force us to do His will. He respects us and allows us to make decisions He respects, even when they are going to cause us pain. He also gives us peace with what is happening, at a deeper level than we could ever experience otherwise.

    My wife left me after almost nine years of marriage. She was my one and only, but she left and, in spite of all God did to nudge her back to me, which was plenty, she still chose to stay away, and now I am having to file for divorce due to her abandonment. I know God will redeem this but, looking back, I can see she never really married me. She always had an escape. She used her escape twice before, coming back when confronted. This time, she realized I wasn't going to redeem her past, so she decided to stay gone. I love her and I would love it if she came back. I also know when God says its time to move on, it is.

    Seek intimacy with God, through Christ. Read the Bible for yourself, asking Him to show Himself to you. If He created the universe, He can make Himself God in your life and, while He is at it, show you what He made you for in the first place. That is an awesome thing to learn.

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    • I thank you for your advice. I will most definitely speak to her face-to-face the next time either of us are in the other's neck of the woods. I also see the value in spiritual assistance, however if I choose to take that route I will do so according to the Torah and Adonai. I thank you again.

    • Unlike what has been taught by most churches, etc. Christ is the only one to live the life of Genesis 1:26. He lived according to the Torah and Adonai, so there is no inconsistency between the two, except in the practices of those who focus on the differences they can find, historically, instead of the relationship God established us to be in, and Christ redeemed.

    • I will not pretend to be theologically educated and I am sure that you are correct, however I am more interested in finding a solution to the problem than debating about religion. Thank you drstms.

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