Please tell me what you think of this text my ex sent.

We broke up in February. I am a writer and have had a blog since June that I write in frequently. He has been checking it DAILY and sometimes even multiple times per day (I get web stats so I see who visited). In the past couple weeks, he has even started commenting under a fake name. He had no idea that I knew this.

Anyway, I took this to mean he might still be interested, so when I was in town this weekend I sent him a "suggestive" text that we meet up. He backed out and claimed that it would only be "cold, detached" and there's no use in someone getting hurt over it. We spoke back and forth through text throughout the weekend but he remained aloof and distant. Finally, I confronted him and told him I know he still cares and that I didn't know how to break his wall down. He sent me this:

"In all fairness, I am in a relationship now and the most important thing to me is to not mess it up. If I thought we could co-exist on some plane and not mess that up, I would. However, I just don't want anything to mess up the path I've currently rebuilt"

Sounds blunt enough, right? So then why would he wait until I had spilled my guts to him over and over this weekend before he decides to admit his relationship? And why, if he's in such a happy relationship and doesn't even want to "coexist" with me, does he read my website EVERY DAY, comment, even make heartfelt remarks at times? If I knew my boyfriend was e-stalking his ex and messing around on her website all day, I drop him like a hot potato.

I would appreciate your analysis on this matter. Thank you.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • If he is "stalking" your blog he probably still has some interest/feelings/regrets about you.

    If he says he is in a relationship with someone, maybe he really is. If he is just be happy for him(assuming you ended on good terms) and wish him the best. But end the conversation there. Don't drag it on. You will come off as still interested in him, maybe clingy/needy depending on your messages back and forth.

    His text as far as I can read into says that he does have some feelings for you, and maybe he is afraid if he sees you he will be filled with the emotions he has finally overcome to advance his life. Or maybe he is single and just trying to make you jealous. Its hard to say for sure.

    Rather than getting pulled into a mind game with him, just take everything as he says and just be OK with it. I say just let him be happy with his Girlfriend (fake or real) and back away. This may even make him feel more attracted to you at the ability to not need him (if your angle is to get him back that is).

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    • Thanks! Love getting guys' opinions on this. I haven't spoken to him since that incident... I actually realized today how clingy and pathetic I made myself appear by throwing myself at him. I'm gonna take it as it is- he has a girlfriend, is happy with her, and wants nothing more from me. It'll be easier on myself to just take it as it is being presented. Thanks again.

    • Glad this helped. I have reflected on past relationships and realized I've been super clingy/needy because I just wanted a relationship so bad. But by doing that I actually lost track of the dating/fun/excitement of someone new. Either way I'm sure you'll recovery. Agreeing with one of the posts below your a very attractive girl and any guy would be lucky to date/know you... assuming you have a personality to match ;)

What Guys Said 18

  • number one, you don't look 30 at all...youre sexy as hell...

    lol k, now to your question...he seems to still have feelings for you, the reason I say this is because look - ANYONE can be friends with their ex's...as long as they are completely over them...for example I'm sure if he saw you out with some guy he would be extremely jealous...he obviously isn't over you and is still attached to you otherwise he'd be able to be on the same "plane" as you...

    he reads your blog because he likes what you have to say, he can connect to it, you were once a part of him and most likely a big part of him, being his girlfriend and all. he's like the connection he gets when he reads what you have to say - it reminds him of hte good times you two had, maybe even some of the bad, but it still connects you two and he enjoys that feeling...

    my suggestion? move on, you're gorgeous and you're a writer...thats sexy as hell...you live in LA and a lot of good looking people live in LA...right? I mean I'm a New Yorker, but whenver I got to LA its like woah... lol...you shouldn't have a hard time finding a good guy who wants you for who you are, wants to spend time with you and wants to make you feel special...as every girl should feel from their boyfriend...

    i think with this separation you need to realize what went wrong in the realtionship - you're obviously not over the break up, so look back at what went wrong, what you could do to fix that issue in the future and work on yourself, really concentrate on what makes you happy - sure he did at some point..and your upset that he isn't so into you anymore, but do you really want to chase someone who doesn't want you? I mean isn't that high school bs...you shouldn't ahve to fight for love, you want someone to love you for who you are,...you don't want to go looking for love either, because it finds you and if you look for it, you'll spend most of your life trying to find it...so live your life, make mistakes, learn form them, have fun, be a kid again, do stupid immature stuff with your friends, go out and do you! somewhere along the way of you finding the trust inner you, you will meet mr right...but for now lets concentrate on who you are and highlight those qualities and let them shine for everyone to see...you desrve it and there are a ton of guys waiting forsomeone like you to be theirs...take your time

    remember: it was the turtle who won the race, NOT the rabbit - slow and steady...keep me updated if you like :) good luck and HAVE FUN!

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  • Just because he realizes things may never work out between you two, does not mean that he does not care about you. He sees a better future potentially with someone else and does not want to mess that up (possibly again). That's why being friends afterward is so important to most people. Quitting cold turkey is too much hurt in a small time frame.

    His inability to be open about it, until AFTER you spilled your guts, is a common phenomenon. People are more comfortable sharing personal feelings after someone else shares something personal.

    If you love him and you want him back.. the thing you need to think about is, do you have a happy future with him? Because if not, you shouldn't pick 'em up just to prove he still loves you or he loves you more than that new girl, or any other egocentric reasonings. But if you do, that's something you need to reassure him. That things will be different this time around, more stable perhaps. And never ending.

    But I'm an 18 year old, what do I know of love but angst?

    Hope this was the kind of analysis you were looking for. And that things get better. Pax vobiscum.

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    • You know a lot for an 18 year old!

      Ideally, it'd be nice to give it another shot, but I'd be fine with being friends, too. We've known each other for over 10 years and have seen each other at our worst. We were best friends and bottom line, I miss him, period. But now he is so cold and distant, like we're strangers. It creeped me out, TBH. But I really don't understand why he'd act like he wants nothing to do w/me when he has been checking up on me obsessively. It doesn't make sense.

    • Maybe you should try telling him that? That you still care about him, miss him even, and at the very least want to still be able to talk to each other. It's hard always knowing exactly where someone is and what they're doing all the time, then changing to not even knowing if they're alive at any given moment. It's a loss in itself, let alone all that comfort you had together.

  • He's a dude. He wants the validation and feelings he'd get from your attention and affection.

    Many guys enjoy flirting when already in a relationship... not because they want to cheat... only because they love the attention.

    When you confronted him he had to draw the line, which is good.

    Time to let him go because it sounds like you're way more of a stalker then he is. ;)

    Otherwise you wouldn't have scoured your online traffic in hopes of seeing him.. ?

    ~ Robby

    My Blog ( link )

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  • What's wrong with him still having feelings for you even though he can;t/won't have any type of contact with you? Normal, isn't it? He thought you wouldn't know aobut your reading his blog.

    But hey, blogs are meant to be read, no? How is that stalking? He's not going around eavesdropping on private conversations.

    I think you are letting your own hurt feelings color what you are saying about this poor guy!

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    • If it had been once and a while checking in on my blog, no problem. I check ex's facebooks every now and then just out of curiosity. He, however, has been checking it EVERYDAY for the past few months, sometimes multiple times a day. He even "pretended" to be someone else and made comments on it. I just think that's odd... sorry. Every day is a bit much. And then to do all that, and then pretend like he can't "coexist" with me when I confront him- it's odd! Isn't it?!

    • He just didn't want you to know he still liked you that much that he wanted to follow you on Fbook.That's not so weird really is it? It was all public information, no?

  • Just because someone is trying to move on doesn't mean he is over you.

    All those things you say to him probably hit a spot and although he wants to hear those things, it doesn't mean he knows what to do with that information. Just like you wondering why he checks out your blog, he is probably wondering what to do about getting over you. Reading your blogs could be his way of keeping you in his life without you actually being apart of it.

    After a break up people usually try to remember the good in the relationship. So take it was a compliment that he still checks it. But don't read to much into it. He is doing what he needs to do to move on and you should put him behind you. It's hard, I understand but it really is the best thing for you. Don't worry about him, get yourself ready for the love that is waiting for you. Believe it or not he just set you up for the next man.

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  • If I were him and doing what he was doing, I would only being doing that because I still had feelings for you. Although he is in a relationship, that doesn't really mean that walls are created to block him from keeping tabs on you're thoughts and/or activities. He probably is happy in his new relationship but in someway wants to be part of your life, even if its only reading your blog. I believe that he wanted to be friends with you and try to find a mutual ground together but because you spilled your guts out, he found that "friend" situation wouldn't have worked when you have those feelings for him still. My solution, be happy for him and move on and find your happiness. Life is short but not short enough to be hanging on one person. You did your best and you were honest which is highly respectable in my book.

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  • he has unresolved feelings, that's for sure. sounds like his head is out, but the heart is still dragging its feet over you.

    If this guy is important enough to attempt another chance, be patient. I have no idea who initiated the breakup nor why, but if he did the reasons for that breakup are still fresh enough to him to keep his guard up.

    I would not be 100% that he is in another relationship either, unless you can confirm that independently. Guys do not like to be caught lonely and pining by an "ex"... lol.

    if you want another shot at this guy, express how you feel and leave it at that. Guys appreciate a woman who is both direct and is able to use words to describe what she feels and what works for her. shoot him an occasional email describing fun things you are doing in your life and invite him to join you.

    Time heals. He's not over you. But he's hurt and the wall is up. It's your call what you do with that knowledge.

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  • Hes still not over you. Checking your blog is his way, albeit sad way, of being connected to you without any commitment to you. My hope is that after this situation, that you would stop texting him and end any communication with him of any sorts.

    He says he's trying to move on -- sounds like a high time for you to do the same! :)

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  • We always keep tabs on the ones that got away. No matter who we are, or what we got going on with someone else. My guess is, he's not completely over you, but that doesn't mean he still has feelings. He's just trying to find closure, or he still has a curiosity about you. Sometimes we keep tabs on our ex's cause we just have nothing better to do. If you say you'd dump him like a hot potato, I'm not sure why you haven't already. Cause in some way, you too haven't fully moved on.

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  • Maybe you shouldn't be so rough on him darlin; I just went through something similar with an ex of mine: OF COURSE I thought about her here and then, and some part of me wasn't ready to put her in the past- that however didn't mean that I was ready or even interested in starting something going again.

    I think women would do good to not assume that men communicate like they do. Women communicate in innuendo and use prodding statements and look to throw stuff out there to fish for more, whereas often times men are very literal. Yes, he e-stalked your page, which probably in fact means he still thinks about you every so often; however, he has plainly said, literally, that he doesn't want to pursue anything at the moment.

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  • i think his text speak his feelings...i mean I donno y he's stalking you on blog and all...but even if he was little bit interested in you he wudnt have been so clear in that text...he'd used a bit flirty language instead...n would have tried to be diplomatic...but he is clear...VERY CLEAR!

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  • so you wanna hook up with this blowhole?!? even though he has a girlfriend? drop the chick-flick-romantic-comedy fantasy. if he leaves her for you chances are pretty damn good he's going to leave you for someone else! you two broke up for a reason. keep it that way and move on.

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  • He still loves you but He made it a proud, I know it very well as a man...

    Well How do you break up each other?

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  • Don't be a homewrecker...wait your turn or mourn the loss.

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  • HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU AT ALL GET OVER HIM AND MOVE ON

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  • Its over!

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  • This guy seems a little cooky with his text to you, but it kind of makes sense what he's doing. That probably means he really developed deep emotions for you (i'm pretty sure you knew that already). I don't like to believe that people lie, but I'm old enough to think that he may be lying about being in another relationship. If it were true he was in another relationship then why does he "try" to anonymously stalk you?

    I want to co-exist with my ex because we were close friends before we dated. we were able to talk about things we felt were uncomfortable. Anyways, I don't know if that was how it was like for you. His intentions are very confusing, I'm sure he's confused.

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  • Hes not over you, trying to move on but still on his mind. If he is trying to move on he will avoid you and eventually stop contacting you or following you online...

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    • Thanks for the response. The thing is, he does avoid any *real* contact with me... won't hang out, will barely respond to my texts, keeps it very short with me, but has no problem checking in or talking to me through aliases online when he thinks I don't know it's him. I wonder if that has something to do with feeling less guilty about his relationship?

What Girls Said 10

  • Girl, he is so not worth your time. All this back and forth, mixed-signal Bullsh*t? Totally not worth it. He's keeping you on the backburner. He didn't tell you immediately, because what if the new relationship didn't work out - he'd rather be with you. Safe, comfortable, and going by your picture, extremely attractive! (I'm straight, but cmon, you know girls know when another girl is hot). I know that sounds super harsh. I mean, I could even be way off base, I'm just going based on experience.

    And he's totally playing games, which do you even WANT? I've told my exes, when I moved into a new relationship, that I wanted to minimize contact because I wanted to focus on a new relationship - and then I discontinued contact with them. I didn't facestalk them, I didn't call them, I didn't answer their calls.

    Personally I say you ignore him. Unfriend him on facebook (btw, isn't it kind of sad that unfriend is now a word in websters?), don't take his texts, delete his number, ignore his calls, etc. This way you give yourself a chance to move on. Screw him, ya know? You can do better than some wishy-washy guy. And think about this, too: If you were his current girlfriend, and you found out he was following his ex around (online, text, whichev), would you not be totally p*ssed and feel a bit disrespected? I know I would not be cool with a guy I was seeing essentially e-stalking an ex - and if he's doing it to her, who is to say he won't do it to you. Sounds like a guy who can't make up his mind. And no real woman needs THAT in her life! :) Good luck!

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    • Thank you! I agree, if I knew my boyfriend was checking in on his ex everyday, I would NOT be a happy camper. I do wonder if maybe he was considering trying to keep me "on ice" while he feels out this new relationship... and then once he saw that I was serious about reconciling, he chickened out and told me the truth. I don't need this, you're right, it's just hard to move on from what was once my best friend :-/

    • I feel you. The hardest part of breaking up with my recent ex was losing my buddy. I don't know a lot of people where I live (moved here for him), and when we broke up I didn't just lose my partner, but 90% of my social life. It's hard bouncing back, but you will. I now have my own social life and am scoring dates with guys who are way more together and real than my ex. (Hotter, too! Haha!)

  • Hes not worth it. He's just playing games. No girl should have their emotions being jerked back and forth like that.

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  • That's weird. he definitely cares & is curious about what's going on in your life or else he wouldn't even have looked at your blog. Maybe he's lying about the relationship to make you jealous or he's not at the point where he's eady to settle down for a relationship & is using that as an excuse for now. He might be pllaying a game with you. Time will tell if he's in a relationship or not. All I can say is that he defintitely still cares about you & is interested because he's puting his time & energy into finding out about you & your life.

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  • hes not totaly over you yes he sounds mixed up I would leave it you sound a together woman

    plenty more new fish in the sea dress up get yourself out on town enjoy your life

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  • How do you get a blog site?

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  • I think this guy is just being clingy. I am not sure why he is checking so often if he is not interested in you. I see where you are coming from when you thought that he was still interested. But he is definitely not worth your time if he is being such a douche about it. My analysis tells me this a clingy dude who needs to set himself straight.

    My sister is the exact same way as your ex., well sort of. She will visit his place of work (McDonald's may I add that this man is 20 years old and is still working grill?) and will stalk his Facebook and even text him day in and out. She also has a steady boyfriend. I am waiting for this ship to sink.

    I wish you the best of luck with Mr.Clingy.

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  • he likes you still.

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  • Sounds like he likes you.

    I had an ex calling me, texting me everyday and calling me "sweetie" and wanted to meet up several times. . .I only went once but then I guess his girlfriend saw that he had been calling/texting me and in the YEARS since he and I broke up, I had a baby with someone else. . .so long story short, she threw some nasty comments at me about how he wanted nothing to do with me. . .blah blah blah. . .but he still texted me. I didn't say a thing back to her except OK. I knew that even if he was in a relationship, he was still interested. . .

    From that experience, it seems to me that maybe he really wants you back, but he doesn't want to risk being alone, therefore he doesn't want to lose the girl he's already got. . .Guys also like to know that they're wanted by more than one girl. . .it's why the notches on their belts matter to them so much.

    I'd say forget him. . .if he can't grow up and be completely honest, then he's worthless. Relationships don't exist without trust anyways. Good luck though, girlie.

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  • Maybe he still has feelings for you but he knows your relationship it won't work. It sounds like he is just trying to move on, but he doesn't want to be out of your life, but having you in hismakes it hard and confusing. Checking your blog is a way of knowing what's going on without ruining his relationship.Sounds stalkerish, I know but it allows contact without contact. Meeting up with you will just confuse him and probably send him backwards in the getting over you process. Give him time, if he's still checking it in two/three months then you should be concerned. For now I think you should step back and let him get on with getting over you in his own way. And in the mean time, try and figure out a way for you to get over him so that this won't bother you anymore.

    Good luck with it anyway =)

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  • You think too much.

    Let the poor guy be.

    Find someone better,

    someone who fits your tastes more.

    >w>

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    • I don't think examining a situation thoroughly is thinking too much. Minimally it is part of closure- whether she becomes friends with this guy or moves on. Why drag this into the next thing in her life-be relationship work w/e-. Everyone is different ,each relationship unique-despite stereotypes & personality formulas- &this should be respected

      She was curious to hear what people thought so she asked. No harm no foul, & I think being thorough will help her -as it helps anyone-to move forward.

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