My ex bf/ fiance says he doesn't want to date me now but he wants me to still be in his life as his best friend?

We dated for about 2 years in a long distance relationship and within the last year got engaged ^_^ I couldn't be more happier to be engaged to an awesome guy. Sadly, we broke it off because we both realize we truly wasn't ready for that stage in our lives. . Ever since then..it seems like things were never the same. We fought a lot, said hurtful things to each other and did hurtful things as well. I kept leaving because of the pain..and he said hurtful things that just kept pushing me way from him emotionally. Because of this, we've been on and off for about 6 months. We both wanted to make it work, so we tried every way possible. Asking God to guide us to taking it slow..sadly everything just kept getting more confused and we both can't seem to get back to how we once was. I'm still deeply in love and miss him very much. However, even though we broke up, we still kept in touch, usually through text. But whenever it seems like I bring up getting back together, he either ignores me or tells me it to just wait and see what happens. I couldn't understand it so I left him initially because I felt that he was just playing with my emotions and stringing me along or that he just wanted me to be in his life..but not as his girlfriend. Knowing this as a possible was heartbreaking :(

I did well as to stay away from him but within a week I gave in and ended up calling him to see how he was doing. He actually responded back and we talk for about 3 hours. After I tried to end the convo, he said he didn't want me to go. So we been talking everyday since. As of recently...i mention us getting back together once again and he told me he didn't want to date me. I was hurt beyond words. The guy I was madly in love with didn't want to date me after all that we've been through. I asked him did he mean..right now..or never ever ..and he said as of right now...but who knows in the future. He mention me staying in his life as his "best friend" . He going into the army soon and I don't know if I could handle him being in the army if we do get together. in the future...because the pain hurt me so much I told him that if we can't date, then we can't be friends. Now I'm just devastated. I love him like crazy, more than I ever love a guy and I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to be there for him and part of me is scared that he may be comfortable with keeping me as a best friend...something I can't do because I'm in love with him . I'm just so lost. please help.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • You both have a lot of growing up to do. He's going to be leaving for army training soon and after everything you've both put each other through, he probably really does need for you to just be his friend right now. Love him, be his friend, stop putting pressure on him (you said it yourself, you broke up with each other because you both realized you're too young and not ready) to give you more than he can right now.

    His head is somewhere else right now. He needs support from a true friend, not a needy ex. He's about to go into the military, possibly be sent overseas to the middle east, and he's trying to prepare himself emotionally for something there's really no preparing yourself for. There is no room for this kind of stress in his life right now. You're dwelling way too much on this and not seeing the bigger picture. Right now, you're still a bit too focused on the hormonal love emotions and not on being a whole and healthy person in your own right.

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What Guys Said 4

  • ok number one, god isn't going to help you become who you two were...thats on YOU

    number two, you shouldn't be putting your life on hold for someone, you guys broke up for wahtaever reason and if you can't think of reasons why you need to analyze it...

    number three...he doesn't want to date you because he hasn't had any way of missing you...what I mean is you haven't hinted in any way that you're OK with the break up, that you're movnig on - he knows he has you, the balls in his court...basically you need to let him miss you...hes unsure right now, he thinks he knows but he doesnt...how does someone eventually find that out - you need SPACE from him...not as in distance obviously but communcation...he needs to see what life is like without you...

    number four, again god doesn't have anything to do with this - I've looked for god in a lot of places but when you really look at your situation you guys have a lot to fix ... damage has been done vocally, emoitonally, etc ... your "god" may guide you, but its always up to you - which is why I've never understood peer pressure in high school - sure maybe if you're a younger kid looking up to an older kid, but not around people your own age - people need to realize they control their own lives...

    so take a break, work on yourself, show with your actions you are different as he should with you...but you NEED to take time to yourself and really ask yourself why you miss him so much...do you really miss him or just the attention and affection from the relationship - could someone else fill the shoes and then some to make you happier...he needs to feel what its like to start losing you, he will come back I'm pretty sure of it, but if you are always tehre he will continue to play these games and screw with your head...so stop talking, let him call you, let him initiate contact, this isn't your game ok...HE left you, he should LOSE you...you already made it clear what you wanted and he said no...so stop giving him the power and start being an independant women...

    i hope this helps, I really do, I think you both have a lot of growing up to do and both of your maturity and understanding levels of one another need to level out...otherwise you'll be in an unhealhty relationship forever...if you do ever get back into one you need to stop playing games and always be on a meidum...understand you both ahve feelings, emotions, issues, opinnions and you areant always going toa gree...but you still ahve to love one another...

    take things SLW - it was the turtle who won the race, not the rabbit...slow and steady, slow and steady...

    good luck

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  • move on and he will realize what he lost.. simply start dating... if you find someone cool if not.. at least he will know that you ready to live you life..he could possible still love you and just wants to keep you at by.. the thing about guys is we love to play the field.. but once we see one of our many girls doing the same. WE don't like it.. (Yea Its Not fare, what eva/ we just hate to share) Just don't sleep with anyone (you wil get CUT OFF if That Happens) unless you find the rite person only time will tell but be honest..(keep it real) and let him know you dating..( don't get into details on who where and what) this will apply well need pressure.. so he can stop with the BS. Once he starts asking question you know he cares if he doesn't... sorry he just "PLAYING THE FIELD"

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  • Sounds very close to the relationship I had with my soon to be Ex-wife it was all amazing till we got married not sure what really changed but something did. So the question is to you is he worth what could be the possible pain in the future or will you both be able to overcome the hardships that has be tossed upon you. And after this divorce being friends will prove to be the next new challenge...

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    • He is worth it but why would I stay when he feels I'm not the one for him anymore..it doesn't make sense. thanks for responding though. I really appreciate it.

    • Life doesn't always turn out the way it should or the way we want it too, I have two wonderful kids from the relationship, and even after the years of pain and hardship and never feeling that love will come my way again, is when love seems to find you and I've been with the most wonderful women I have ever met in my life, so just take life as it comes at you, it will someday turn out great.

  • you can still be his friend

    i didn't say anything else

    thats as far as I see it

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What Girls Said 6

  • I'm so sorry for your pain. I understand you are in love with him. But...He was clear on what he wants and what he doesn't want - he doesn't want to date you. And you say you can't be his "best friend" because you love him. And if you were to date him again now - what tells you that things would be better then they were? (Sorry just trying to be realistic here). You say you kept trying to make it a good relationship, but everything failed. Maybe he is right not to want to be in that mess again. And last but not least - he's going to army and you yourself say " I don't know if I could handle him being in the army if we do get together". Then it's better you are not together, right? You are quite young, and things do happen for a reason. Focus on your life, and look for a new man.

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  • Sweetie, you can not be his best friend, as the song goes, when a heart breaks, it doesn't break even. You are in love, he is not.

    Yes, he still wants the comfort of you, but he doesn't want to commit to you. Now, for your own mental and emotional health you need to walk away from him totally and move on.

    It may be years, but I feel that this guy may return to you at some point. It maybe that he needs to experience other things, concentrate on his army career, or either, horribly- other woman. You can not waste your life wishing it were different.

    Remember that he respects you, cares for you, and will have fond memories. Do not allow him to use you. Do not allow him to "friend" you, while he knows you are in love with him. If he is truly a good guy he will walk away and allow you to heal.

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  • it just so happens, he'll be stringing you along, as long as he can until he meets someone else. You won't be happy about this, you'll grieve once again. Being friends is worth a shot but you'll never get the chance to completely move on without him in your life. Be selfish and do what's best for you, work on yourself because he definitely is and knows what he wants and it's not you right now. I can't sugar coat this because it happened to me. It's the truth, let him see that you're okay without him. Trust me, he'll contact you and you'll cave in but DO NOT ALLOW IT! don't be available. Leave it, and heal on your own, it's hard but you can do it. Woman like to be needed/wanted, we do selfless acts & here your only option is be a best friend or cut him out. He knows that at the end of the day, you'll be there so he doesn't even have to try put effort anymore. take care & good luck..

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  • He wants you to be his best friend, but it seems, that you don't want to be his best friend...so just don't be something you don't want to be.

    So my advice: Stop contacting him for good, find some other friends or people to talk to, busy yourself, don't give in into the urge to call him. He has made you suffer, now it's time you take resposibility for yourself and stop hurting yourself or letting yourself get hurt by the situation.

    You'll find love again, because love finds anyone.

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  • being friends with him won't make him miss you, therefore won't make him need you in his lifed. You need to let him know it's a relationship or nothing..Don't be obvious. just let him know you cannot be friends with him. If he needs you, you are there( but not too much) other than that you should leave separate lives. He will soon realize what he has to do to get you back. The army may hinder this process slightly though

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  • if you're going to be friends with him...is that all you want honestly? are you secreting hoping for more? if you are, then you need to leave

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    • Heck no! lol that's not at all what I want. But I mean if that's what it takes to make us get back together then I'm willing. you kno? idk, I may be fooling myself. But thanks for your response! I really appreciate it :)

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