I'm sad that I can't be myself and get women...

I do have confidence. I'm smart, funny, athletic, in shape, and generally have a good head on my shoulders.

But it seems like the past few girls I've tried to date didn't appreciate who I am. I was raised to care about other people and be good to them, but girls my age tend to shy away from this type of guy.

Seems like the more I take an interest in a girl and get to know her, the less chance I have. While the guy who only cares about sex and is selfish is successful. Why is this whole world backwards?

I can't be the "bad boy". I don't want it to be that way, but girls these days make me want to change my ways.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Here's how I see it... You're too focused on being a "NICE GUY" instead of just being a "GOOD GUY."

    The nice guy is giving his girlfriend all of his attention. Either because he's worshiping her in some way, or because he's got so little going on his life that he's decided she needs to have all of his attention. This will push most girls away simply because it's not attractive. It's needy and gross.

    The good guy is different. He likes women but he doesn't worship them. He gives his girl his attention when she needs it, but he also has a life that takes up the rest of his attention. He has friends and family that take up his time. He has hobbies and a career direction and studies, etc. So when she DOES get his attention is actually means something to her. She appreciates it instead of feeling smothered.

    The nice guy will smother her in compliments. This makes him seem insincere and dishonest. Almost like he's trying to buy her approval.

    The good guy will give sincere compliments, but only once in a while, when it really occurs to him. He's NOT giving compliments to win her favor, he's just speaking his mind.

    And finally, don't judge all women based on the "few girls" you've dated. That's a very poor sample size. Don't start making generalizations until you've hit the 100 mark, and by then you should be able to tell which types of women you respond best to, and which ones you should avoid.

    :)

    ~ Robby

    My Blog ( link )

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    • I think I agree with this. I'm pretty behind in the dating world. Just recently (college) became more outgoing and social. So I guess I have "growing pains" but I'll take your response to heart. Thanks!

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    • That's fair enough. Some women respond to anger and jealousy (because of the drama) while some women respond to neediness and worship (because they're also needy and insecure.)

      The best advice is to relax into the type of comfortable fun guy you would be with your closest/most honest male buddy. That's the dude who's saying what he thinks, busting balls, but staying sincere and honest.

    • what is the 100 mark?

What Girls Said 19

  • Just because you are a great guy doesn't mean that finding the girl for you is going to be easy. That is a myth reinforced by movies and TV. Great people can find it very hard to meet someone as much as anyone. We can be amazing and still it does not guarantee a love match.

    Beyond that, a little mystery is valuable in dating. You may simply be trying too hard and coming across as needy in your effort to get to know the other person. Dating is a dance and the girl should be showing interest in you too and trying to impress you in some ways as well. If you are not showing your value by expecting her to show interest in you, and all she sees you doing is trying to impress her, you will likely not get anywhere with a lot of girls. You don't have to be a bad boy to show your independence and value. Good luck!

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  • some interesting advice already given here.

    You sound like a great fella. I don't think it's necessary to be "bad" but I do like the advice others gave to be a bit more reserved.

    I have personally experienced the nearly unexplainable desire to be told "no"occasionally by my hubby. (In a loving way and with reasons given of course.) I think it has to do with the fact that women truly desire a man that is stronger than they are and they want someone who can set boundaries and be a leader without loosing their ability to be kind and compassionate.

    While it's true that women want compliments and attention, if you seem to be more consumed with this than making a real life for yourself (job, personal goals, etc) you will come across as too easy to manipulate.

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  • Girls your age go through this stage of being with bad boys. Then they learn their lesson and break their pattern and end up with a guy like you. Rest assured that you WILL meet a woman who appreciates your efforts, so don't become someone that you're not. You're doing the right thing and being true to yourself, so keep doing it. These girls who flock to the bad boys have their own issues that they need to work through. However, I can tell you to think about what these bad boys are providing to them? Challenges, fun, excitement, passion. You can be a good guy and also have those qualities. If you can be all of those things, then how could a woman not find you irresistible?! Women want a man who is a good guy, but sometimes they can be boring. Provide her with lots of thrills, and she won't feel the need to find a bad boy :)

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  • I UNDERSTAND UR CONFUSION. PUT IT THIS WAY You SEEM A NICE GUY AND FROM WAT You WROTE A MAN WITH GOOD VALUES WHICH MANY GIRLS CANT FIIND THAT ANYMORE WITH GUYS. BE URSLEF BE WHO You ARE WHO UR PARENTS RAISED You TO BE DONT CHANGE BECAUSE OF A GIRL. IF A GIRL DOESNT LIKE You WHO R THEN SHE IS NOT UR TYPE. WHEN I MEAN BY TYPE I DONT MEAN PHYSICALLY. ANYONE CAN BE ATTRACT IT TO A NICE SLIM GIRL BUT WAT IF SHE DONT GOT A BRAIN?OR NO VALUES? You GOTTA BE URSELF. ALWAYS BE YOU TRUST ME THERE ARE GIRLS OUT THERE THAT LIKE THAT You JUST HAVENT BEEN LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACES OR RIGHT GIRLS. BE PATIENT SOON You WILL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL APPRREACITE UR HONESTY AND LOOKS.

    SINCERELY,

    THE WISE ONE

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  • Aww, don't worry! You'll find her. My current boyfriend was like that too. Shy but once you got to know him he is amazing! Trust me, if you haven't found a girl that doesn't accept who you are, then don't take a chance with her. It might take sometime, but the right girl will always make you feel good about yourself now and in the long run :)

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  • ive learned, and this is some of the best advice you'll probably ever get in your life:

    don't change yourself for ANYONE. one day I promise you you're going to find a girl that loves you for your smartness, funniness and "good headness". all the other girls aren't worth it and you probably wouldn't enjoy a relationship with them anyways; having to be someone else to satisfy someone for the rest of your life, or a long period of time, is NOT fun. it may take a while but be patient. I promise you it's worth it.

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  • This world IS backwards. It seems as if girls would rather chase after the guy who treats them like sh*t instead of choosing the nice, respectable guy. It must be due to immaturity. Once we get older, we usually learn to value genuinely good people instead of the players. My guess is that you'll eventually find someone who is tired of the games and is ready to give the good guy a shot for once instead of chasing after the "bad boy".

    Just be patient. Remember, good guys always finish last!

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  • well if you like who you are then don't change. stay true to yourself. if a girl can't appreciate your good qualities then that's not the type of girl you want. even if you feel that you love more than you are loved don't change into something below what you really are. you'll meet a girl who will love the attention and love you shower her in. but treating your girl right and giving her what she deserves doesn't mean you have to be clingy. when you meet that special girl I'm sure you'll know exactly what to do. :) <3

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  • I have this same problem, except I am a girl. It is so hard to tell if someone has any values or not these days. Lots of people seem to fake it. Guys on this website told me my problem is that since I am a pretty girl, I probably only go for "hot" guys. This is not true. I guess the guys I have dated have been averagely good looking, but I actually went for them because they were intelligent, or because I saw them commit an act of genuine kindness to someone that most people would not, etc. However, I am starting to wonder if I am just not holding high enough standards. My sister said my standards are to high. Just want someone kind and respectful like me. My sister and my friends say all people think about other girls or guys when they are dating, for example. This is where I feel disgusted and left out of the human race.

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  • Please don't change to fit into this world,be who you are and there is a girl or woman who will appreaciate a good man! The world is like this because their minds are only on beauty and sex,which both of them will fade as you get older! Hold on your Love will come and don't change for nobody!

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    • Did you just accuse question asker of being ugly and impotent? lol

    • NO! I'm not accuse you of being ugly. What I'm saying is that society mind is only on two thing,beauty and sex. If you don't measure up to their stardard you will be shonded. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,I will never call anyone ugly or impotent,what I'm saying is don't change for no one stay as you are.

  • As repretitive as it grows to hear 'don't change for anyone', it's pretty fundamental you maintain your characteristics and inherent ways of caring for a girl. You do not need to make any alterations to your qualities- but the amount in which you convey them should fluctuate. A constant attentative persona should be conveyed as caring for the girl, but be more conscious about the amount of effort you constantly exude, relationship is about balance, not one half admiring the other.

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  • No!

    you sound like the perfect boyfriend and if the girls that you like doesn't notice it then it's their problem don't ever change doesn't matter what is happening unless you are an asshole

    be who you are and someday someone will notice you in a different way in a good way just wait for it...

    eventually it will happen...

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  • There is always a girl out there that appreciates a sweet guy.

    You sound like my boyfriend,and I love him to death :)

    And yes,the world is backwards,but there are a few people on the earth who have some taste&&feelings.if not we'd all be hurting!

    Just don't change,for ANYTHING! Keep those good qualities,and you will find a woman who appreciates them.

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  • just be who you are...a girl is bound to come around at some point in your life and love you until you die. NEVER EVER CHANGE WHO YOU ARE! not being yourself is like lying...you have to keep up with it and it will catch up and kick your ass if you lie

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  • AHH! mister perfect #2!

    :(

    why can't there be more guys like this out there?!

    DON'T CHANGE!

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    • Because the few hundred that still somewhat remain in this world...have gotten thown away by the typical girl of today...sadly. Oh well ~_~

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    • To answer your question- Because you can get bored of perfect!

    • Of rather be bored of perfect than suffer with std's.

      ;0

  • don't change your ways! please...be your sweet self. YOu will steal the right girls heart away...and knock her off her feet

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    • This is not advice. . . girls have a hard time answering this question.

    • Ok...you want advice? Be nice... treat her like a princess, but don't let her rule you. Let her know what you're boundries are and comunicate with her with out blowing up her phone. Hang out with her... let her pick the movie, and if she can't descide then pick one right away. Girls like guys who can can make up his mind is a flash!! be romantic...kiss her and touch her...in sexy but not inappropriate ways. Whisper in her ear during a movie or some other quite activity... it will make you irrisi

  • Just seem uninterested in the girls that you like, be nonchalant, not an ass, just act like you have better things to do then to be around them. Everyone likes a chase.

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  • Hun date a girl who likes you for you! She's out there.

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  • ok I'm with a guy that's like this right now -

    sweet, caring, extremely respectful.

    unfortunately these good qualities can have their down sides.

    you may be coming over as a bit of a pushover, or someone who doesn't make decisions. girls like equality - if you are just agreeing to everything she says and going to lengths to make her happy, although its nice, she will sense the inequality, and she will know you're just doing it to please her, and it makes her feel guilty and frustrated (well at least that's how I feel).

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    • This is what I don't understand about the world. Women want to be happy. I make them happy-not by trying hard, but giving encouragement when needed. Yet this is what they don't want at the same time.

What Guys Said 5

  • You don't say anything about insecurity, so lets suppose you're not insecure. In which case the way you've been raised to behave gets mistaken for insecurity. This would account for how you feel girls don't appreciate who you are. When you do good things for girls you barely know, they'll question your motives. Either you're doing it because you can or you're doing it to get something in return, like you're trying to buy their affections. Reciprocation is an aspect of the psychology of persuasion. see this link:

    link

    We are conditioned to want to reciprocate kindness but girls are acutely aware that reciprocation gives signals they might not want give at that point. It makes them uncomfortable.

    Best thing you can do is hold off on that kind of thing until they have a better understanding of who you are but also that kind of thing needs to balanced in a relationship. ie you both do it because you want to. Don't underestimate the power of sexual satisfaction, which girls want too and will excuse a lot to keep having. Bad boys can get away with giving little in kindness because they give in other ways.

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  • Yes, be your sweet self; just don't show as much of it right away. Wait a few days to call her back, make your compliments sporatic. When you are together, flirt with her, involve touching and be playful with what she says. When you leave her, say you had a great time and that you should do it again. You'll leave her thinking about all of the sexual tention you built up and then leave her wondering if you will call back.

    Girls hate this and they don't even know that it's necessary for us guys to do. They always want the guy to call back right away but then the girl seems to lose interest in those guys first. Girls will tell you they want a "nice" guy. what they really mean is that they want a nice guy that they are ATTRACTED to. Attraction is built much like a pyrimad; slowly, but with purpose.

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    • Good advice.. I must say :)

    • OMG, you're so right.

      Thumbs up!

      Just because you're right... Not because I like that strategy! I also hate it.

  • All girls want the mythic warrior champion --- too understanding ? too caring ? too passive? Intellectually they might approve but their biology is not stimulated. Wait til they get to their mid 30's and they will love you --- for now -- be as masculine as possible at all times and don't care too much.

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  • It's not about being either! It's about you and her. Nice is weird so is a good guy. It's about being able to relate. Talk to her like you want to find the one. Then talk to every girl no matter if she is flirting as if you are trying to find your girl. It's not a act! It's about a girl who takes your breath away because you take her breath away...

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  • they want someone to stand up for them and yourself

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