Is it a rebound? What to do?

I met a guy, he is perfectly nice, and has a lot of qualities I am into. Many of which my ex was lacking, and make me think this guy is a lot better for me than my ex. However, I was in a relationship with my ex for 2 and a half years, and I am not sure I am quite over him yet. Also, I lived with my ex, and when we broke up, I was forced to move back home. On the first date with this new guy he asked me what my living situation used to be, and I was unable to answer the question since it would lead to talking about my ex. I don't think it is fair to this guy to not know that part of my life as it was so important, I really don't know what to do. Do I tell him, do I wait, mostly I planned on telling him we should take things slow? HELP!

Updates:
New twist. I think this new guy may have asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so shocked he kinda changed the question when he saw my face. Only thing is, I didn't feel like saying yes because it seemed too fast, not because of my ex.
I realized later that same night, that I do not want my ex to know about this new guy because I would not want to hurt my ex. I think the fact that I have been enjoying myself so much with this new guy, is the reason.
I told the new guy about my ex and now he is distant. Do I give it time?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I take it you guys just met...theres no need to go into details. Just say "Oh it was a bad roommated situation. Ill go into details some other day (smile and laugh no need to make it awkward or put on a dramatic face)". Simple. Life doesn't have to be that complicated if you don't want it to be. Once you get more comfortable with prince charming you can go into details. In regards to the ex, if it was a toxic relationship, healing is best before you move on. Don't take old baggage into your new relationship. If you feel like your new guys is beginnign to like you a bit more than you like him pump the breaks if your not ready for such seriousness. Tell him you got out of a long term relationship and as much as your looking forward to get to know him you really want to take it slow. Keep your dates carefree, fun and casual. I'm sure if he cares about you he won't mind. But be careful to not lead him on...Its the worst when someone makes you believe they acutally cared and next thing you know...poof! their gone. good luck!

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    • When I told him about my "roommate" situation, I laughed, told him it had been difficult, and he was nice enough to not ask 4 details. I figure once we get 2 know each other I will be able 2 tell him. About taking the baggage in2 the new relationship, I am working on getting to know this guy for him. Looking beyond the similarities which I admire, and looking instead to the differences. He has at least 1 quality I wished my ex had but didn't. Is this attitude ok? I feel good about taking it slow

    • To compare them is natural,...and it's impossible to avoid. There no need to rush into anything...Good things come for those who wait. SO paitence is key. Man I really should take my own advice hahahaha. Good luck!

What Guys Said 3

  • I'm glad I'm the First Guy to answer, so maybe I can help coming from a relatively similar situation. Here's the thing, its a catch 22 no matter what, but the more honest you are with him the stronger your relationship will become. You have to realize that most people with dating experience are coming off a relationship with an ex... I mean if they haven't dated someone in yhr past 3 years That is an instance flag for someone afraid of any type of commitment. So I think you should explain the situation once. Don't make it emotional or tell him.how much You cared for Your ex. Explain and reassure him (and yourself because if you treat it like a rebound it will be a rebound).

    Getting over and ex is tough, but you really get over one when you've moved on to your next relationship. He will respect This approach, and will probably tell you about his past. This will come up. I don't recommend divulging info such as how many partners you've had, as This is never a good conversation and serves no purpose in a relationship. Just explain Your last one, let him ask the questions, and when it is done shut the book...

    A good Guy who has been in solid relationships knows that too much past is not a good thing, and looking into a partners past will just lead to agony and jealousy. Although my last relationship didn't work out, it wasn't because we didn't love each other, the timing was just off. Explain to him what you like about him and make him feel good about being with you, reassure him that You care about him and Not your ex. If you approach it this way, I promise the conversation can make you two closer, allow both of You to move on from the past, and most importantly clear the air of any ambiguity and jealousy. Hope this helps

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  • you got the confirmation that the new guy is backing-off probably avoiding problems from your situation..atleast your fair with the EX letting him know what's going on your part..but if you really want to resolve things with him open it up..as for the new guy let him go..only go for a new one if your through with your EX

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  • I completely agree with everything that's been said so far. But as a side note you'd better remember to tell him the stuff that's going on in your head. Some guys take things a different way than others. You just gotta be up front about it and as less confusing as possible so he doesn't get hurt.

    In my opinion, if he knows that you're having trouble with the ex, the most important thing is to let him know how you feel about him.

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What Girls Said 8

  • I totally think it's only fair to both of you to be up-front and honest about your situation. It's nothing to be ashamed of! I went through a similar situation last year (except my ex moved out so I didn't have to move back home) and the new guy was totally understanding. We ended up taking things really slow from there- getting to know each other as friends first and eventually dating several months later (after I was sure I was over my ex and liked him for him). He and I have been together for almost a year now and our relationship is totally based on our honesty and respect for one another. Best relationship I've ever been in! :)

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    • Thanks! I do feel good about this guy. He is not behaving like most jerks that try to make you sweat it out saying they are going to call and don't until 3 days later. I definitely don't want to let my past from getting in my way of giving a nice guy a chance.

  • Your ex is your ex. Men are not like woman. He's not going to keel over and die or cry over you (men think that, and sometimes woman do to, don't ask me why, I just assume people have big egos). This guy sounds like a great guy, I would suggest you start pulling away from your ex... don't move to fast with this new guy but just take it easy, be honest with him and tell him you like where this is going but you just got out of a relationship and you want to take it slow. He sounds nice I'm sure he'll understand. You don't want him to think he's just a rebound when he does find out about the other guy.

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  • Tell him, what's wrong with letting him know guys are attracted to you? He's going to find out sooner or later and unless he's a person that believes in no sex till marriage he shouldn't have a problem... He's gotta know that you were in a serious relationship so, I don't see a problem with verbalizing it...

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  • You tell him when you are ready, but you will have to tell him at some point if things do get serious. If you're not ready for a relationship, then he definitely could become a rebound. Taking things slow sounds like a good idea.

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    • Thanks! I really feel better knowing taking it slow is the way to go. I just wasn't sure if I was being fair to this guy, recently having lived with my ex and all. I will get to know him for him, it is really the best I can do.

  • You've left out an important detail! How long ago did you break up? I'd be worried if you said he reminds you of your ex, but it sounds promising, that this might be better. I believe it's best to get into something new when you're comfortable being single again, but sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. It sounds like you're on the right track though! Don't worry. Just be honest with him. Stop thinking about whether or not it's a rebound and go for it. Just be cautious.

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  • Sounds like you're not over your ex and the new guy can tell. You need decide if you're using this relationship to get back at your ex or if you're really ready to move on.

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  • I think the Real reason you don't want to tell your ex what's going on its because deep down you still have hope of reuniting with him and you don't want to hurt those chances because yous still have feeeling for him. The new guy is just tryin to protect himself from heartache which will be envitably be caused since you don't really know what you want. If he wants to keep his distance let him. AND its unfair for you to be selfish and try to keep them both. Just be honest with yourself since your the only that knwos what she really wants. He just doesn't want to get hurt or get emotionaly involved with someone who is unavailable emotionally.

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    • I actually told both of them already... but the one I am actually worried about is the new guy.. my ex is pissed, but he was pissed anyway... the new guy was being distant.. we talked again yesterday...and it seems a couple of days to think about what he wants was enough..

  • If you genuinely have feelings for him and are seeing him because you like him and want to be with him, then its not a rebound. Tell him that you were in a long rship but its over as it is only fair for him, but maybe hold off on the "i'm not over my ex yet", as he will think he is your rebound and you may lose him.

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    • Thanks! I figured, this is what I would do, just wasn't sure if I was falling into that whole rebound thing. I am going to take it slow, and give myself time to figure out how I really feel.

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