She told me about a guy she met. Not 'cheating' but it still hurts?

I’m a 25 year old immature, insecure white male. Started seeing a lovely girl for about six weeks, she wanted a relationship quite quickly, and I wanted to take it at a leisurely pace. (I easily get attached; I’m not one for short term) She told me about a guy she met whilst on holiday during the summer about 4 months before me. She made plans to meet again over NY. Basically, she said she wouldn’t sleep with him again and she did, she had me over the next day which in my view is quite slutty. I figured out what happened and she continuously lied until I basically said I knew the truth. She is a lovely, head strong, independent girl. I really do like her and have been seeing her most weekends since. However during the week I still feel like a complete tool. She rocked my confidence and I still resent her. Only when I’m with her it seems to be OK. Trust has gone, she said ‘it was a mistake’, ‘I won’t hurt you again’ chat, but it does nothing. I know we weren’t ‘official’ but I made it clear that I had no feeling towards anyone else. I can’t be the good boyfriend I want to be with these negative feelings. Just wanted to see what your thoughts were on this, it’s stopping me from sleeping properly and need to make a decisive decision for my own well being. If you have any ideas or though, I’d greatly appreciate the support.

Regards

R


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Late reply, but ya, I hope you've left her. She has no idea of commitment or exclusivity. Hell, if she wanted exclusivity and a relationship she should have started in her mind first and just not done anything with anyone else. Hell, if she really loved you and cared about you she wouldn't BE interested in anyone else. She's obviously not that interested and just wants more people to be with but ya.. I'd say dump her ass.

    God people in here are assholes and so damn immature. Honestly, if you wanted to be with someone and claimed to want a relationship, but the other person took it slow, what makes you think it isn't a d*** move to f*** around people? You're just showing you don't really care about their feelings or respect their wishes, you just want your cake and to f*** it too. I'm really getting disgusted more and more by the immaturity of this world -_-

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    • Exactly. If a woman expects a gentleman then I expect a lady. Women think by emulating what sh*t blokes do is acceptable. Thanks for the advise.

What Girls Said 7

  • Personally, she did cheat, because she said to you she wouldn't and then did..and then lied..which means she knew she did wrong by you. And I don't wanna upset you, but I think she went back over there to see this guy, with the intention of sleeping with him.

    I guess all I can ask is, can you get over this in time, and learn to trust her again. Because if you can't and it still makes you resent her, then this could eat you up inside, and become paranoia, every time she goes out or whatever, you'll be wondering. To me it sounds like you can't, and the only reason your still with her, is because you finally got together with the person you wanted, and then she went and did this, and now your not sure what to do.

    You really can only answer this question, because whatever you decide, in the end you'll have to live with the possible consequences, and being with some who has hurt you, just because you really like them isn't always the right thing to do. She may be a lovely girl, but her actions in this situation were not lovely.

    Ask her what she would have done, if the shoe were on the other foot...



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    • 'Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes'- Gandhi

      Now I do believe people make mistake, and I do believe in forgiving someone. However, to me, it's just a clear sign of preference. Did she prefer him to me? Or was it a spare of the moment thing. I'm trying to look at it from all angles. Can girls do that and really regret it? Do I look more of a sucker in her eyes for sticking around? Now trust has gone, what do you believe? Thanks again for any advice.

    • Dude, YOU NEVER HAD HER. She wanted committment - you backed away. It wasn't until she had interest in someone else that you grew a pair and decided you wanted her. You should have been clear and direct from the start.

  • She wanted a relationship right away and you didn't. She wanted exclusivity, and you wanted to "take it slow." I don't see what she did wrong here. She's not in a relationship with anyone, she's not committed to anyone. She's single and dating. If you expect a woman to be faithful, you have to first give her something to be faithful to. She's being a single girl, so go be a single guy. She's not a slut for not being committed to you when you said you didn't want to commit yet?

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    • Not how I work I'm affraid. An extremely selfcentred attitude. That's the bi-product of todays society, it's all 'i'm a single lady, I can do what I want.' philosophy. How can you settle into a relationship and what to start a future if that's your approach. It's called 'getting to know someone.' implicit trust is the key

    • Show All
    • It wasn't expanding options, it was a one nighter, the dude doesn't even live in the country. You're right, it's just difficult to deal with blatant rejection. However, my attitude, I feel is the correct one. Well, the same attitude I like to see in my girlfriend. Implicit trust is the key to any relationship. I made it very clear I was not seeing anyone else and she said she would not sleep around. So she lied. You are advocating that attitude whilst denouncing mine. I just don't get it.

    • Dating is dating. If you weren't ready to commit, she has every right to go out and be with other people. That's why it's called "dating" and not "marriage". How you "operate" is unimporant - she's a human being with her own feelings and thoughts and attitudes. If you don't like it, tough. Go find someone else to put up with your emo moping. Plus this wishy washy "im not comitted but I'm not with anyone else, you shouldn't be either" bullsh*t is lame. Adults don't do that passive agressive crap.

  • If you've lost trust, you need to either end the relationship or find a way to fix it. There's no point in being in a relationship with someone you don't feel you can trust, or someone you view negatively. Saying that you don't have interest in anyone else might not be enough for some women to automatically assume that your regular dating will lead to a serious relationship. However, if in your heart of hearts you can't give her the benefit of the doubt, then there's no point in prolonging a bad situation. This just doesn't sound very healthy.

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  • This girl is wrong for you, end of story. Not only do you guys have major personality differences, she is looking for something entirely different when it comes to relationships. My advise? Ditch her! Find someone who wants a relationship with the same amount of commitment as you.

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  • if you can't trust her. the insecurities that arise from that alone are not worth the trouble. you might have some type of friends with benefits relationship at best. you're worth more than being an option. when you like someone you make sure they know so you don't lose them. everyone makes mistakes, but I would consider this not so much cheating but just direspectful. she seems like she doesn't know what she wants, or doesn't want what you do. maybe you should take some time apart and you shld see your other options.

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    • What trust? He never wanted to commit, but he wanted her to be completely committed. Double standard much? He even admits he's "immature, insecure". They were only dating for six weeks. He needs to grow up and learn how the world works - if you want a woman, you commit to her. THEN if she goes out with someone else, it's cheating. In this case she had every right to pursue other relationships since Mr. Coldfeet here didn't want to be a man and claim her.

  • don't guys these days encourage girls to cheat? that's only when you see her worth and this is why you are upset. If you had a nice girl you wouldn't appreciate her. I have seen this myself. Then all of a sudden you would find her too nice and annoying and clingy and other words

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  • not to sound mean or anything, but from how you describe yourself and how you describe her. My opinon on this is that it won't turn out to be happy for you. If she don't have a problem with lying and you are the kind of man that wants her and only her, sounds like you should find a girl that fits to you better. She may be foxy and sexy, but if there is pain, and she not thinking of you with her actions then all it will be is a revolving relationship. There are plenty of women out there. Don't jump for one that makes you feel down, take your time to find that one that completes you.

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What Guys Said 9

  • Dude you are getting whipped like no body's business

    You need to stop putting this broad in a pedestal, why is it so amazing about this girl that makes you go crazy for her? She can't honestly tell me that she is a goddess she probably has a lot of deffects if you look deep enough.

    Two you need to get this chick in check raise your voice, she does whatever she feels like and she doesn't even care about it, she just says "oh yeah I am sorry" and guess what, when whenever she gets the opportunity again she will do it again.

    You gotta tell this broad like this "WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO TO X AND Y WITH Z SO YOU CAN DO THE SAME THING THAT YOU DID WITH GUY IN NY? You think you can do whatever you feel like and don't even give a damn about what I think? just make a decision now you ar either with me and no body else or HIT THE ROAD" Period.

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    • don't even say it in a normal tone, yeah yell at her, tell her who is the boss!

  • She's not for you, she told you she wouldn't sleep with that guy and she did. Then she lied about it because she thought you were gullible. Clearly, she tried to play you, she planned to sleep with him from the start IMO. You should move away from her, don't take the risk to catch an STD because she's sleeping around and lying about it, and that's wrong. The rest doean't matter much, don't put your health at risk.

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  • leave her, there are more people like her, as far as personality, but she still cheated, and then lied, I would've trust her with me drycleaning let alone my heart if she did that to me

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  • she has no respect for you what soever regardless of what she may say, the moment she had the chance to get some strange she took it.

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  • It probably sounds mean, but once you are at the stage where she does not have enough respect or love for you to stay away from other guys, I think it is only a uphill battle trying to show her you are better than all the other guys out there and to regain her "interest" again.

    It would be better for you to try and find a girl who would truly like you and have the same interests as you.

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  • She's not the one for you. Move on.

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  • You're insecure because you choose to be. Stop doubting yourself. Give her the ultimatum to choose between him or you. If she chooses him then move on and fine another. I suffered from One-itiis too.

    There's like 4.5 billion women in the world, man. There are more fish in the sea. This bitch is playing you bad. Stop letting people abuse and mistreat you. I used to be just like you, and I'm still a pretty nice guy in that I volunteer and teach kids for a living. But I stand up for myself too.

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  • Your question says "not 'cheating' but it still hurts." In your description, she nailed a guy in NY and then had you over the next day. Oh. I think I got it. You weren't exclusive yet. Got it. Hnce the "we weren't official."

    Here's my take (and this is just me so take it for what it's worth). She did nothing wrong. Period. You weren't exclusive. You may have WANTED to be, and YOU may not have been seeing anyone else, but you never asked her so she was totally in her rights to hop on another guy's tool.

    BUT. . . I'd still dump her. Why would I do that if she's done nothing wrong? Because if she's still nailing other guys while seeing you, she isn't really that into you. I've been with girls who are really into me and I've been with girls who are still weighing options, and it's ALWAYS been better to be with the ones who really liked me. Like to the point where they stopped seeing other people because they were so excited about me that they just didn't want to see other guys anymore. This is possible and I know I can get this, so I'm not terribly excited about being exclusive with a girl who's on the fence about me. I may be happy to nail her until I find a girl I like who REALLY likes me for a relationship, but it's not as rewarding a relationship for me to be with someone who was nailing other guys while she was getting to know me.

    You need to figure out what's important to you, though.

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    • I may be happy to nail her until I find a girl I like who REALLY likes me for a relationship,

      Isn't that what the girl was doing?

      Bit hypocritical.

    • Nothing hypocritical about it at all! I'm not sure what you're seeing. In that case we'd BOTH be nailing each other and looking for someone who is relationship compatible! So we'd BOTH be in it for the sex but not the relationship. That seems pretty equal to me, no?

  • tell her you met someone else and tell her to eff off. then actually get another chick. start seeing a babe in front of her.

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