What's up with the modern dating scene?

I have read a number of posts now both from male and females who are genuinely terrified of initiating or expressing their feelings to a crush. Some men are resentful of being expected to lead and even in some cases carry on the entire courtship which I understand. Many men are now over analyzing just as much as they claim women do and both sexes are searching for a no risk guarantee that they will be successful. With no one able to read anyone else's signals because they second guess everything and with no one willing to just approach for fear of coming off too desperate how is it that relationships actually begin? Also what's with the Bipolar behavior? I am very confused when I read a post that says something like he didn't call me back so I ignored him for a week and flirted with this other guy in front of him to make him jealous. First of all if you actually like a person why would you try and hurt them? And why would you flirt with or even sleep with someone else? And secondly how on earth do you expect someone to understand that type of hot/cold behavior? People aren't psychic and yet telepathically we are trying to communicate everything with a smile or gaze and we get pissed off when they don't get it and scared or turned off when they do. Manyl women seem to think guys are totally turned off by a woman who asks them out or just openly expresses her feelings and many guys on here have said outright they wish to god a woman would just be clear and initiate. Guys are you actually turned off by a woman who initiates and assumes a more active role in courtship? How much is too much and places a woman in the danger zone of looking too desperate or too slutty? Why is no one willing to be themselves? You guys do realize that sooner or later the person will figure out who you are and if you've lied to them they will probably break up with you or at least you'll have hurt their trust. You also realize that even if you win the affections of your crush its not you they like its this illusion you've put up, so your virtually alone anyways. I am truly stumped. When I was in the dating scene people just said who like they liked and I was upfront and no one ran of screaming. Now I try to make a friend with a person and they are suspicious as hell. Why are people so paranoid? I don't want to hear about this being a more dangerous time or a harder time to live in, its actually not roughly it always levels out. I fully understand wanting to take time this isn't a criticism against people who move at a different pace or really on anyone. I would just love to know if I wanted a date how would I get one in the modern dating scene?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • The majority of relationships now start online. With the freedom to essentially be whoever you want in the on-line world, meeting in person will very often reveal the lies. It's understandable that meeting someone for the first time without meeting them on-line first can generate some suspicions. In today's digital world you know a lot more about someone before you even meet them for the first time. So by the time you have a first date, you essentially already know something about the person your dating regardless of it's honesty or not. This style of dating that we have access to also opens up a much larger realm of possible dates. Nobody wants to waste time on someone that might not even like them when they have so many other options to choose from. That's just the way I see it anyway. Beyond that, I'm more or less in the same place you are lol.

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What Guys Said 6

  • Great post. I'll try to answer either from my personal experience or from what I've seen around on here or in person.

    Firstly, I'm not sure if the older generation's parents taught them anything about communicating with the opposite gender , but my mom, grandparents, and step-dad never did. I wouldn't say it screwed me up, because people really change and come into their own after puberty. But I was never introduced to how to really socialize well with people, which obviously affects me when it comes to girls. It's something I need to work on before I have any chance with a girl.

    I'm sure a lot of men feel resentful and uninterested in the dating scene (because of the leading aspect) because they've either never had a chance to, screwed it up, or don't feel like they are "manly" and can lead properly. There could be other reasons, but those are the ones I pick up on.

    For the bipolar behavior, that is people's best idea when it comes to fixing a problem. It seems like people miss out completely on simple thinking. "He didn't call me back, so I'll talk to him/ask him what happened" <--that kind of thinking is passed up for "I'll make him understand what he did and let him fix the problem because I did nothing wrong". Truth is, nobody did "wrong" in the situation so there's no need for this kind of "punishment" of someone. So yeah, I agree with you here. Plus like you said, people might not see the behavior in the same way as you do.

    For the girls initiating, it's only really an issue if she's practically throwing herself at me. Just like if a guy is coming on way too much to a girl, the same is true for girls to guys. You kind of feel like you need to get away from that person because they're putting themselves on you, which might be clinginess or smothering. But otherwise, a girl showing interest in me is flattering and I'd like it just as much as me approaching her and initiating instead.

    Being yourself is a tough one, because you do have to be yourself but people influence you to be your BEST self. Being yourself in a completely natural way makes it seem like you're not interested, not interesting, too laid back and uncaring, etc. This is especially true for younger people where you can so easily get ignored just by not *seeming* like you're any fun. Plus when you're around someone you like, you have this really strong urge to really put on a good show for them so they like you, so it's tough to battle yourself to act natural.

    I have no idea what has caused people to be paranoid, honestly. It seems like relationships have a lot less value than they used to, so getting hurt is all to common anymore making people always be watching over their shoulder for trouble.

    Basically I think my generation has made dating and relationships way too casual so when it comes to something serious, it just really doesn't fit too well. This causes so many issues when it comes to being serious with someone because you don't know if they're being serious back.

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    • Your post is very good thanks for your insights. When I say being natural I understand and account for that with a crush you will be more passionate/animated especially early on but that is a natural response I was more talking about when people tell absurd lies and just totally front. My natural self isn't dripping from the walls laidback (I do like men that way though haha) its more fiery and vehement. I'm sarcastic, weird, playful, stubborn so I don't think natural equals boring

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    • They kick you when your down and bitch smack you when your up :-P

    • lol sounds about right

  • It's the internet. It's turned people into retards.

    There isn't a normal person left out there.

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    • I think you make a good point the internet has changed the dating scene I mean we have online dating, FB and all that. I see a lot of people freaking out about drama on FB

    • It does a couple things.

      It gives people the false sense they have unlimited choices, which leads to hyper-judgementalism and analysis paralysis.

      And it has trained people to view others whom they interact with as less than real.

    • I know plenty of people who live completely online no real life to speak of, adults that live with their parents still and not so they can help them out so they can live at their expense. I agree with your points

  • Ask for one? I don't think the scene has changed appreciably in the past 20 years. Still pretty much the same process.

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    • Perhaps not its just that I remember guys approaching women actively and then I started hearing a lot of guys older guys not the younger ones being too intimidated to approach girls. I know a number of men my age and older that desperately want relationships and are terrified to approach. Nice, attractive guys and I just listen to them lament on how they can't find anyone and they don't do anything but wait. Since a lot of guys talk to me about personal topics it just appears to me that it has

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    • Sex & love have always existed but a lot has changed. I got the internet when I was 18 so I didn't deal with that drama, if FB existed I happily didn't know. People spoke directly to each other more, cell phones not quite the obsession it is now, of course I didn't have arranged marriages but they did exist and do in some places. Divorce was frowned upon at one point not quite so everyday, there was puritanism and sexual revolutions. Basic human emotions don't change how we do things can

    • Yeah, and I don't doubt that they HAVE changed QA. Over long periods of time. But the scene is pretty much the same as it's been for awhile. No real big changes.

  • >Implying members of a website called GirlsAskGuys represent the dating scene

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    • This actually would not be a bad sample.

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    • sounds like you have fun lol Especially the treehouses :-P

    • Hahaha, oh yeah.

  • Nothing has changed in the history of mankind; as man gets smarter dating gets harder.

    People here are young so they think that these behaviors are sensible, and because they read too much Cosmo and Men's Health they do stupid things.

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    • There's more information out there then ever but sometimes I wonder if we are getting smarter lol Even if we gain in one area it seems we lose in others. I think most people would flat out die trapped in forest with nothing but mother nature :-P

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    • Here that QA? Back when you and I were doing it, when it worked, it's because we were doing it wrong.

      This is actually preferable. XD

    • I love psychology its fascinating. I may have done it wrong but I had so much fun doing it wrong lol

  • a lot of social norms and traditions have changed, dissapeared over the decades, centuries

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What Girls Said 1

  • I agree with so much of what you've written here. I am very close to leaving the online dating scene and just living my life as fully as I can. If I happen to meet someone the old-fashioned way, I know he is meeting me at my best. The lack of direct communication, walking on eggshells for fear of seeming desperate, and so much of what you mention is paralyzing the modern dating culture.

    I would like to add that that overanalyzing and sending mixed signals is NOT bipolar behavior. Please look online and find out about what bipolar behavior really is before you begin using it as an adjective to describe anything that might seem mixed up or incongruous. People with bipolar disorder are not mixed up, they have a severe brain disorder, a mental illness, which results in prolonged periods (usually weeks or months, rarely hour by hour) of alternating between severe depression and mania (extremely euphoric or agitated mood).

    Thanks for hearing that. I am a mental health advocate and someone with lived experience with mental illness, so I like to set the record straight when I can.

    Again, your observations are insightful and will surely provoke much thought and discussion. Also very well written. Best regards, and I wish you happiness whether single or with a partner.

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