What are the rules for changing someone?

First I hear, "Never change someone! Like them for who they are!"

Then I hear, "If someone loves you they will change for you!"

so only some change is good? changing behavior is OK, right? what's else?

Updates:
can I change his style? or suggest that he change his style?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • change is just a word... what do you really mean? what are your intentions? Are you being selfish or do you really love him?

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What Guys Said 2

  • No no no. See the reason why you should never try to change someone, is because you simply CAN'T. It's a simple fact about human psychology. If someone doesn't want to change, they won't change. So if you want your guy to change, you can't do anything to change him. Oh sure you can TRY, but you'll fail if that person doesn't want to.

    When it comes to behavior there are only a few things you can ask of him to change. Just incredibly small things like turning off lights when he leaves a room, or not humming an annoying tune. Even then there's no guarantee, and too many things or too much nagging will just screw you over in the end.

    The reason why you should accept this person for who they are is because then you don't NEED to change them. If you love someone for who they are, and not for what they can be after you whip them into shape, then there's no (metaphorical) whipping involved.

    You can suggest all you want, but again, nothing will change unless HE actually WANTS to change. That's it. If you don't like him for who he is, then dump him and date a guy who actually IS the kinda guy you want. If you don't wanna leave him, then accept him for who he is, and just leave it alone.

    Does that make sense, and clear things up for you?

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  • Don't try to change them, don't make ultimatums. If they think you are important they will change of their own free will without you trying to pressure them. Either it will happen, or it won't...

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What Girls Said 3

  • You can't change them to be something you want them they are not, they have to change them selves to be that because they want to be it. You can show them a good example of who you are and the qualities that you have then they might change because they want to be equal with you. Changing for good is OK when you have the desire to change not because of someone else even if it's their love ones, it's for themselves.

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  • Nobody changes, dear - Based on real life experiences :)

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  • You can change him as long as he wants to change himself. If he doesn't and you are forcing him to then he might get mad at you and think you don't like him for who he is.

    I do change my guy but I make him see that what he is changing to is a good thing. for example, he smokes a lot (like 2 pack a day or more) and I would like tell him if he doesn't quit smoking then I won't date him. He quit smoking.

    Like he doesn't go to church and he sins a lot, you know? Lying, cheating, keeping dirty secrets that would hurt me in the end, calling me names, pushing and shoving, anger stuff like that. Well I told him to go to church with me, if he doesn't become a Christian then I wont' date him. So he became a Christian for me.

    He dresses funny like a little boy in large clown clothes, so I am dressing him now. If he doesn't dress the way I like then I won't date him. so he changes for me.

    I mean the things I am making him do isn't totally changing the person he is. Because he is still a computer geek who plays video games all day, but he just has a nicer look, smells better and treats me and others better now. Nothing wrong with that. Plus I think I make him a better person and he knows it and so he changes for me.

    Now little things like making him wear a watch when he doesn't want to, well that's not going to like annoy me that much. Or making him wear sunglasses when he doesn't like them, or crocs. He HATES crocs but I like them so I make him wear them. Anyways he says he'd do anything for me, and climb mount EVEREST or jump into a pile of sharks blah blah blah so He says he'd do anything for me even die for me... so I mean I wouldn't make him die for me or I wouldn't put his life at risk or make him wear pink clothes or color his hair clown colors, or make him eat worms... you get the idea. I wouldn't make him do anything I wouldn't make myself do... that's my golden rule. I treat you like I treat myself. So he says he is willing to accept me and my way of life, so he does. But yeah, I guess to everyone their own stories and personal likes and dislikes on what they will and won't change.

    But whatever. I wouldn't change my Christian values or my Liberal views for anyone though, thank goodness I found a man who will become more Christian and Liberal so I don't have to be in an argumentative relationship.

    Ok enough of me blabbing! good day.

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