White guy & a black girl?

Okay here's the deal. I met this guy on Facebook through another one of my friends. He's white, & I'm black. We exchanged numbers & at first I didn't really care for him as far as dating goes but I decided to give him a chance. We're still not dating though & haven't even seen each other in person yet. We've only seen pictures of each other.

The problem is that while I can tell that he likes me, he keeps bringing up race as if it matters. We tend to talk on the phone late at night & if he's tired, so he says, he gets very sarcastic, but I think he's just like that in general. He keeps making jokes about how he's not racist because he voted for Obama (or so he says "the black guy") & other stuff like, i.e. "My doctor is black. See? I'm not racist!" (he didn't say that one, it's just an example), when I never asked him anything like that.

Last night, he had been drinking & told me to call him, so I did. He told me while on the phone, he asked me when we were gonna hang out, & that I can choose wherever we go. I said that we might could go bowling, I don't care. Then he asked what bowling alley. I said I don't care, but I live in the inner-city & I know how it can some places here, so I said probably somewhere out in the suburbs. Then he basically goes on & on for the rest of the phone conversation asking me if racist black guys are gonna come up & say something negative to him or us, & kept stating that if they did, he would beat them up or shoot them. I think he was overexaggerating since he WAS drunk at the time but even when he's sober, he'll occasionally bring up being worried about black guys attacking him or us.

It makes me feel a little uncomfortable because I like white guys & I'm not racist, but I know other people are & some people have a problem with interracial dating, but I'm aware of that & I don't make it a big deal. He claims he never really hangs around black people & never really talked to a black girl dating-wise before, but he always feels the need to prove something to me, when he doesn't. & then he seems SO worried about "black guys" coming to attack us, yet I know that both black & white males & females could make insulting comments, but I'm still not worried & I really don't care.

Should I take offense to this? It seems weird. I don't know if I really want to meet & hang out with him.

Updates:
For the people still answering... I'm no longer talking to him anymore. He's immature & has a big mouth & doesn't know when to STFU. Thanks to everyone for answering though.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • So it sounds to me like he likes you, but is not mature enough to handle an interracial relationship. It's understandable; if his interactions with people outside his race are limited, the idea of having an interracial relationship can seem a bit daunting. Personally, I don't know if I'd have the patience to be someone's teacher, but if you really like this guy, you're going to have to be much better at communication. Tell him that his comments are hurtful, and try and prepare him for the difficulties of this kind of relationship. If he's committed to you, then you guys can work through it. But if he's going to constantly have some kind of inferiority complex and think that black guys will come beat him up or something, the prospects don't look great. Sometimes it's better to just leave well enough alone, even if you really like each other. But just talk openly and honestly to each other and determine if you're ready for that kind of responsibility.

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What Guys Said 3

  • Sounds like you are from Michigan... Michigan is by far the most racist state in America... I live in Michigan myself. A few of my associates are white males dating or are married to black women... I am multiracial, but I usually don't date black women... I only dated 2, but that was years ago... Like between 18-11 years ago...

    Anyway... His insecurity should not be offensive to you. You should just tell him, "(whatever his name is), I like you enough to go out with you... You do not have to prove anything to me. You have proven that you are not racist by dating me... Just let it go, you already proven where your heart lies."

    Basically this: He likes you, but he believes that you will disapprove of him. If you don't go with him, you will prove that you do not care for him. Give him a chance!

    As for myself, I am more than Half black (My dad is half cherokee... My grandmother is cherokee...), and part cajun and some other sh*t, LOL. I am not offended... Hell, I tend to prefer dating Asian (particularly Japanese, Filipina and Korean) and Hispanic women...

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    • lol how did you guess? lol but yeah I live in Detroit. I didn't know Michigan was the most racist state... I've always thought southern states were more racist. But whatever. I told him how I feel & that we might not be compatible & he keeps blaming himself... I'll just see how it goes.

    • Obvious you don't read the newspapers... About 2007, there was a headline in both the detroit newspaper, and the detroit free press, that artiled the fact (front page on both papers may I add...) that michigan is the most segragated and racist state in the union. Specifically in the south eastern michigan area. Educated guess. I am observative of most matters. I pay attention to a lot of things at once.

    • Nah I'm not a newspaper person. lol. Well I can see what they're talking about as far as the Detroit area. Maybe even west Michigan. It's a little weird over there.

  • Good question. I am a white man that is married to a black woman and I didn't put my wife through anything like that, but I can't judge or try to make a deep and meaningful comment on why he is acting the way that he is. I have had friendships with black people through my life, so I have a different perspective. I did have some concerns that I didn't voice, but that is because I know how this country is and that black girl white boy relationships are still the most frond on relationships. I commend you on the fact that you don't care what others thank and my wife and I feel the same. Have you ever tried telling him that the comments that he is making cause you to feel uneasy? It might help if you are honest with him and tell him that you don't care what others thank and that you wish he would act the same.

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  • To me, it sounds like he is new to the interracial thing and is over compensating by saying these things and it is casting a bad light on him. Someone should sit him down and tell him that. I'm not sure if you are willing to do that now, but if you decide to cut things off, I think telling him about this would be beneficial to him.

    As far as being afraid of being attacked, he is a little too paranoid. While I was dating a black woman, we would get the occasional look, but all of the comments made to us directly were from black guys. It wasn't all or even most of them. Just a couple of "macho" douches that wanted to beat their chests a little is all. I've never been physically attacked or fearful of such a thing. Like I said, he is just paranoid and it is probably because he is new to the interracial thing.

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    • Thanks. But in the last paragraph, that's why I suggested that we hang out in the suburbs because I hate thugs & I know they have a tendency to say things or maybe even do things if they see a girl they like walking with a guy. Him being of another race I think would make it more likely. But like you, I'm still not worried & I don't care so I don't know why he is. He always brags about being in the ghetto.

    • Yeah, he is really trying to impress you and he is going the wrong way about it.

What Girls Said 7

  • Hmm, I think sense this is his first time considering dating a black girl, he's probably a little bit out of his comfort zone, and is hovering on stereotypical aspects;

    The " I'm not a racist thing,"

    There's an idea that somehow in this modern day, all white people are racist in some form towards minorities. It's just a stereotype, and he probably makes a lot of those comments to reassure you that he's not one of those white people who do have issues with minorities. He probably doesn't realize he's doing it a lot, or how you may be taking it, but I'm pretty positive he doesn't mean the comments offensively. Since he doesn't hang around black people to often, he's not sure what to do to make you feel comfortable around him (due to the race difference,) besides to occasionally express his non-racist views. A little odd way to go about it, but one of my good friends is a white guy, we met freshmen year and he was always making some " I'm not a racist because A B and C," comment whenever we hung out. I would just brush it off and laugh and eventually he quit saying them so much.

    Needing to Prove himself;

    This is another example of him going off of a stereotypical notion, which is the one that dictates black women are very strong, and likewise, our men need to be just as. White guys are typically seen as being weaker and less aggressive / assertive than black males (so untrue but that's the media for ya,) and maybe he thinks because your a black women, that you have certain expectations like he needs to be tough, assertive etc, in order to be your companion. Since he's probably not gonna go around picking random fights to prove it, the best thing he can do is tell you and kind of boost himself up to make him seem just as capable as a black guy.

    Black guys attacking him;

    This is actually something that happens to white men in black women relationships, but rarely. I've heard of 2-3 cases of white men in IR getting brutally attacked by a group of black men, but more so in higher risk areas. The chances of it happening are relatively low, and he probably shouldn't worry about it. But, then again, it's just him trying to prove he's " man enough" if you will, to be with you.

    So yea, just give him a little understanding; he doesn't have much black exposure lol so he's just trying to figure out how to act and be in this particular situation. If you really like him, just reassure him every now and then that you like him the way he is, and he doesn't need to shoot or beat up anybody or prove anything to you...

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    • I understand what you're saying. That's why I would want to hang out in the suburbs with him because I don't like being in high-risk crime areas really with anyone to hang out. Especially since I'm into interracial dating, I wouldn't want to risk one of us or both of us getting attacked. But like you said, it's rare.

      IDK. It just seems like he's a little bit too goofy anyway & it gets a little annoying.

    • Yea, I wouldn't want to be in those places either. Hmm, doesn't sound like your exactly eager to be with him lol if your not satisfied with how he as now, I definitely wouldn't take it to the next level. Maybe if you guys stay friends, he'll eventually tone it down and start acting normal, then maybe you should date.

  • Don't date him, he obviously has race issues. He sounds like the type of person who is overcompensating for something. I've heard of some white guys who are insecure about black men dating white women, so they'll think about dating a black girl to "get back at them" or something.

    Or he could be trying you out as an experiment. Some guys just want to date outside of their race for a notch on their belt...they want to be able to say they've been with a black girl, latina girl, Asian girl, native girl, naavi girl and so on and so on.

    Either way this is a red flag that you shouldn't ignore, I would cut things short with him and not even bother. There are plenty of other guys out there.

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    • i must say I agree and it seems as if he has some what of a prolem with you being black for the need to keep having to metion it in conversations

      it quite true that some white guys but not all do get with a black girl due to it being something new other than just looking past the coulor and liking that person due to there atractive features and personality

    • Yeah I've actually never dated a white guy before & I just started liking them. I just don't see why he has to keep bringing it up at times when it doesn't matter. It's not like we're in a deep conversation or anything. But I asked our friend about it & I'm waiting for a response from him. Thanks. :]

    • lol naavi girl :D

  • Being in an interracial relationship myself you have to be realistic. The violence and insults are realistic situations that occur. Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend is kind of oblivious to the fact (ex. One time we were being followed in the mall, in a not too safe part of town, and when I asked him about he said he didn't really notice) It scares me sometimes but I really care about him so I don't let it effect my relationship. So maybe he's just worried and doesn't know how to deal.

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    • Well I'm no longer talking to him because he's one of those guys that constantly runs his mouth & doesn't know when to shut up or stop saying certain things.

    • I understand what you're saying & I do keep those things in mind because I like white guys. But I don't feed trolls (lol) so I don't let little things get to me.

  • If he keeps on pointing out race them he's not worth your time

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  • Lol well at least you tried I don't even have the guts but you've given me inspiration

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  • Hopefully you see that as a reg flag

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  • Well, what happened?

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    • I'm no longer talking to him for different, but connected reasons.

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    • Well he had a big mouth & wouldn't shut up. He doesn't know when to stop playing around & it's sad. But I haven't spoken to him in months.

    • That would annoy me too.

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