What is she thinking?

My 18 year old daughter broke up with her boyfriend mid Oct. She's been hanging out with a guy friend a lot lately and he's always had a crush on her. So after this break up he tells her he is in love with her and she told him she can't be with anyone for a while. Then I find out about a conversation they had after last weekend. He said some stuff like "thanks for letting me do that to you last night." It sounds like he performed oral sex on her because he said he liked doing it to her and it wasn't like with his previous girlfriend. He said he didn't like doing it to her because it tasted weird and he wanted to puke. Then my daughter said it was nice. She didn't elaborate, but there was a comment back to him like - just wait until you experience my head giving abilities. I want to fricken throw up! So is she just having him as a friend with benefits? This guy is a loser, I've never liked him but they've known each other for 4 years. I know her self esteem must be low because of her ex cheating on her, but this is rediculous. (don't yell at me as to how I found this conversation, our computer is a family computer) As far as I know she's only had sex with her first boyfreind that she dated for almost 3 years and the most recent ex.

Updates:
I took my daughter out to dinner and we talked about a lot of things. She's still sticking to her plan of not going out with anyone till college. So whether that's true or not, it made me feel better. Maybe this thing with the guy friend is just temporary

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I think the best thing to do is to discuss your feelings with your daughter. As hard as it is to accept that our children are sexually active - it is a reality. Don't be overbearing and judgemental, she is an adult - make sure she is taking the proper precautions with her body as well as her heart.

    As for why - maybe after being in two relationships that didn't go well, she is just wants to take a break from the obligations of having a boyfriend. Though I don't think it's right that she could be using her friends feelings toward her to get what she wants - but you never know, he might be the prince charming she has always been looking for.

    Talk to her, talk to her as one adult to another. She is your daughter and you love her. If you're concerned about her activities, let her know. Hopefully she would be able to share them with you no matter how uncomfortable the conversation might be.

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What Guys Said 1

  • You have been privy to some information that you really didn't need to know about your daughter. She's 18 and her sex life is her business, even if we may wish that our daughters were not sexually active, they are. Therefore, given her age and the fact that she is sexually active, what she is thinking about her sex life is none of your business.

    As well, I understand your desire to want to know what's going on in your daughter's life (even to the point of snooping) but don't let her know that you know; you will come out on the wrong end of that conversation.

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What Girls Said 8

  • Having friends with benefits now adays is more common then in the years past. So, yes it could be very much true that this guy is nothing more then a friends with benefits to her. The only thing I find to be of a concern is the fact that this guy is in love with her. If she has no emotional feelings for him then she needs to tell her so that he doesn't think their sexually relationship is something more.

    I believe that you need to talk to your daughter about this.though let her know your thoughts and opinion. However, do not be judgemental. Let her know that having a friends with benefits is okay, but having it with someone to whom is in love with you isn't the best thing.

    To me if I was this "friend" I would feel used by her. Since he has feelings for her, and she doesn't for him.

    I think its great that she wants to wait and needs time to get over her ex .

    But having friends with benefits is NOT a way to get over an ex.

    Another thought I had is.this could be like a rebound stage.maybe

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  • she's probably thinking that she'll make her ex boyfriend jealous or something. don't worry about it, this guy sounds like a rebound. but make sure your daughter knows about safe sex (and that oral sex can give you stds too) so if you haven't had "the talk" with her, you should probably do it now.

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  • Who knows. She may just be having some sexual fun. It's her perogative since she is 18. In this day and age it's common for the friends with benefits relationships. Perhaps he boosts her self esteem by paying attention to her. Who know?

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  • As soon as I read this I was a little uneasy. Family computer, I care not. If you clicked on her file on the desktop, looked at her folders or WHAT, you have stepped over the line. If you lurked her phone text messages, her Facebook, Myspace, email, or IM conversations, you have already stepped over the line.

    Moving on, her business is her business. I understand your frustration that she did this, but honestly, you probably did when you were a teenager/young adult too. So cut her some slack in that area.

    I think what was happening, is, she was feeling rejected from her boyfriend and a little unloved. She calls up her friend/Talks to her friend about it and she just wants to be with someone and not feel so antisocial, whatever reason. I know it's painful after a breakup.

    One thing led to another and...There you have it. I really doubt she's keeping him around as a FWB, I don't think she went there knowing he was going to give her oral sex.

    Regardless, she's 18, an adult...

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  • he might be a rebound for her as her mother you don't want to know this stuff but she is human mom. as long as she is on birth control so there won't be no little losers. it will be ok she will do what she feels she needs to do to get over the ex. you know brake ups are hard and take time to get over or you could even tell her you found out there conversation and you are not mad but you expect so much from her as a young lady.and let her know you love her.she will get on the right track and find some one better mom she is just hurting right now.

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    • Thanks, we've talked a few times since then and I've told her she doesn't need a guy to maker her complete as a person, she's beautiful, smart and funny. I think this guy is just convenient right now.

  • dont late her know you know she will naver talk to you that is what I did to my mom and I donty talk to my mom becouse she yelled at me and graed me but it is what every one is doing so don't go and do something you will regreat in the end trust me

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    • Thanks, no I haven't told her I know. When we talked I just spoke generically like asking about friends with benefits with teenagers in general. Too bad that you and your mom don't talk now. I would miss that, she goes away to college this Fall.

  • You should talk to her about it. They might be joking. Sometimes my friends and I joke about that.

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  • she's thinking that she's 18 years old and an adult who is free to live her own life the way that she wants to, at least she isn't 15 or even younger than that. as discusted as it makes you feel there is nothing you can do about it. everyone does things that seem rediculous and "out of control" to others, but in reality once a person reaches adulthood, there is nothing anyone can do to change the way they think or feel. she has, technically, done nothing wrong in the eyes of today's society. the best thing you can do is accept the fact that your adult daughter is sexually active, even if it's not an act of love and it's with a guy that you don't approve of.

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