Anyone have a name for my poem?

I'm an amateur poet. Mostly I have been writing self pitying stuff, but I have gotten over a few issues and tried my hand at something personally uplifting. As the title mentions, best name is the name for the poem, and feel free to criticise, but I ask that it be constructive criticism. And here it is:

As the sounds of waves,

crashing and ferocious,

Greet members of an instinctual flight.

Seen from afar, they do seem like angled Ms,

Drawings which all Piccassos draw in their age of innocence.

Sun's rays warm the poet in all of us,

Make's hopes embrace sweet.

As we age we change.

Some hold to tumultuous flotsam,

The debris breeds discontent,

Those who hold onto the past

Miss the joy of sinking.

They sink not into the abyss,

But into the raptures of self,

Making fears of the unknown,

Experiences of the sublime.

Thus the first thing a budding plant learns,

Is to plant your roots deep and head for the sun.

Soil may be sandy, or sparse,

Seasons will bring winds and drought.

This will to survive, equips the hardiest of plants,

So that when the time comes to blossom,

They catch the wind in their sails.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • While I am inclined to be a traditionalist myself, I am not as judgmental about the flowering of the vernacular as I am in other aspects of life...

    That said, the Picasso line I agree, is very clunky, cliche. I get the "age of innocence" dual reference as necessary for drawing relevance to both new thought and youth, but the phrasing is dated.

    I think the shift in metaphoric type. The "sounds of waves" I assume to be life's hardship, and the last stanza corroborates substantiates this interpretation. A poem shouldn't have to maintain a consistent line of imagery, but I think your images are directing the train of thought into one direction, which is good.

    I enjoy many of your images. The "debris" of life, the "raptures of the self." I would perhaps change "experiences of the sublime" to something more descriptive of the sublime. The sin? The grasp? The whispers?

    As for the last stanza, I have no idea why, but cacti would be a good subject to elaborate on. They are after all the "hardiest" of plants, living in the desert.

    I would name this poem "The Wine of Time."

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    • ** I think the shift in metaphoric type is fine.

    • ** and the last stanza substantiates.

      Eh, I'm half asleep typing this.

    • Thank you, I honestly put this here to take a bit of flak as well as pointers. The Picasso line was from a quote of his that all children say they know how to do art. It might be better said 'drawings which all inherently children know how to draw in their age...'.

      So many people suck out as much media as they can, with few people trying to put a flow of creativity back in.

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What Guys Said 3

  • As a traditionalist, I firmly believe it's not poetry if it doesn't rhyme and doesn't have structure. Otherwise it's just flowery prose.

    Plenty of phrases could be tidied up, with more effort. "Drawings which all Piccassos draw" is just a clunky awkward phrase which you'd expect to see in a first draft. Real poetry takes ages to get right. This just doesn't read as if any time was spent on it.

    Also, the imagery is not consistent. Going from a sea based metaphor, where sinking is the thing of joy, to a plant based metaphor where apparently plants can grow even in sand... it just doesn't work for me.

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    • Thank you. I'm getting over my social anxiety issues, and taking some risks is pretty much one of the best things I can do. I'll admit, criticism stings, but it's one of the things which I have to be open to as a person. Also, some ancient Greek writers believed that poems had to have rhyme and meter: but I'm also aware that you probably already know this.

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    • Tell me this though, am I right in thinking it's a first draft? That you spent probably less than one or two hours on the entire piece?

    • Yes your right. To be honest I'm not strong in English, I'm a sciency nerd type. Again thank you for taking the time to give me your opinion.

  • Contact studmuffin-perfect10, he's a great poet. He was just chosen by New Yorker magazine as the worlds best 1000.

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  • I don't believe a poem has to rhyme in order for it to be a poem. Anyone who thinks all poems have to rhyme doesn't know sh*t about being a poet.

    I would condense and revise.

    ex: thus the first thing a budding plant learns that whole thing. Of course after my condensing and revising you can always expand, condense and revise your own. but critiquing work is more than a 1 time thing. and this is just a suggestion

    budding plant first learns

    plants roots deep, head for sun

    soil, sandy, sparse

    seasons bring winds, droughts

    will to survive, equips the hardiest plants

    when blossom time comes

    wind catches their sails.

    and you can do this for all of them.

    and knowing me, I like this now, but ask me 2 days from now I might hate it haha.

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    • I like your idea of condensing, it adds a feel of mysticism to it. Thank you, and I'll hate it too in a few days, that's when I'll be de sensitised enough to butcher it.

    • haha right. and yeah, I've taken several poetry classes, and each one focus's on condensing and getting rid of to be verbs.. Sometimes you can use them. you can place them in, but it adds much more if you get rid of them.

      check this link out for them

      link

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