Dating a man with Aspergers-->Is it normal for me to be the one chasing him?

I never thought I would find myself chasing a guy, but this is how it is. I have been on many dates with him and we have spent the night together a number of times and still I find it hard to have to be the one to start the conversations through text all the time and wait for him to reply.

Reasons why I allow this to go on are because he is worth the effort and when we are together we are very happy and peaceful. He is a lot like me in many ways and I really enjoy his company.

So is it normal for me to be the one to have to chase him down constantly? Is there anything I can do to show him that it's okay to randomly ask how my week is going or tell me what's happening?

Updates:
I'll keep this information in mind & keep patience. I'ts been 5 mnths & I have grown used to the patterns. I don't expect things to be what is considered normal, this is normal for him so it has to be normal for me & that's OK. Looks like I need to be on this a little more diligently & try harder. I don't want to lose him or have him think I don't care. Weapon reminds me of him, funny you should mention it. As long as he's still willing I'm not going anywhere. Thank you WeaponZero & Kheserthorpe
I thought you were talking about the song, He likes it and I like it so it reminds me of him lol!
It's a Matthew Good song called Weapon, it's old but good.


Sorry I'm both working and reading replies, now I can really read this right. So if I tell him "I want attention from you, so come over and give me a kiss" he will take this better than my beating around the bush? and he won't think I am crazy?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • People with Asperger Syndrome tend to have one track minds. When they take an interest in something, they make it into an obsession and it becomes the sole focus of their lives. They live, eat, breathe, and sleep it. But it doesn't stick. In the beginning you were probably the object of his "obsession." This is normal. Now you're not. This is also normal. It doesn't mean he cares less. You're just no longer the focus of his obsession. It could be something like doing puzzles right now. Or putting together model kits. I'm sure he does care for you.

    Also bear in mind he has absolutely no clue how to act when it comes to dealing with you because a lot of the instincts you have telling you how to react in these situations he is totally devoid of. He's probably going to have to be led by the hand in every step for quite some time because he has absolutely no clue how to behave, what to do, what is acceptable, etc. And it may be even possible he has no clue how to do things like kiss or be physically intimate.

    In other words, you're dating a guy who may be a total blank slate that you need to customize to you and "teach" before he can take any form of initiative himself.

    At least this is how I am.. I'm 31 and have Asperger Syndrome.

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    • The key thing to bear in mind here is that no matter how much he likes you, there's no mechanism in his brain that associates his emotions with actions. He could be totally in love with you and it will never occur to him to take any form of action about it because the association between action and emotion does not exist. He can only learn to take initiative through learned behaviors, and these have to be taught. If you want to be with him, they have to be taught by you. Have patience.

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    • 2mo

      I have been with a 59 year old man for going on three years now. I am not positive but the more I read about aspergers I am pretty sure he has it. He hesitated for a long time to come over for dinner even though when we went out to dinner we had a great time. He is also a mamas boy. He is afraid to kiss passionately but will give a quick peck on the lips. He would tell me I am a priority and that he loved me then getting over to visit his mom late one evening he suddenly said being in a relationship was not priority and he does not miss me. Then he started saying he loves me again and now it's been 1 1/2 years since he said it. I know he has some kind of mental issue and we are lucky to get two dates a year. He is very set in his ways and never had a long term or intimate relationship with anyone. I never demand, I always request and I am very patient, understanding and forgiving. I want to marry this man as I love him with my whole heart. I have been hurt a lot and can deal with much.

    • 2mo

      This is exactly how the guy is that I am with, he is 59 and also a mamas boy to boot. You hit the nail on the head!

What Guys Said 3

  • Its likely that social interactions that are 'obvious' to you are not natural or obvious to him. I _suspect_ that if he does really like you, it would be wise to simply tell him what you need from him to be happy, and confirm that you are making him happy. If you want him to contact you a few times a week out of the blue, tell him directly that you'd like that. He'll probably put it on his schedule. Maybe that strikes you as inauthentic, but really it isn't - he wouldn't be calling because he had the urge to, but he would be changing his patterns because he wants you to be happy and THAT is a genuine desire on his part, so appreciate it.

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    • Your update is amusing.

    • Also ... to some extent, things 'are how they are', but really, I would NOT avoid trying to directly tell him what you want from him. What you are interpreting as 'how he is' is a reflection of how he is NOW. But its entirely possible he'd like to be 'better' as a boyfriend, but really has no clue how. He'll find direct requests MUCH easier then trying to pick up on things or just 'do what's natural'.

    • I suspect he finds it crazy when people beat around the bush instead of just saying what they want.

  • well yeah, I have it too and it makes you socially impaired, your social skills are below average when you have that condition

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  • Yeah, you can be forward about what you want, specifically. If you want to kiss but your signals can't get across. Go ahead and tell him you want to kiss or just kiss him.

    Check out. wrongplanet.net

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