Would you fight for the one you love or let them decide?

Hello all, thank you for the time and responses.

I know how long these on and off relationship stories can get, so I will try my best to make this short.

My ex and I have known each other for over 3 years. We have broken up twice, and both times were because she wanted to and then she started seeing someone else just a month or so afterward, so I was always suspicious.

We are both single now, and even though we have had ups and downs, we never left things on bad terms. We were always civil and adult about things. Don't get me wrong, I have been through hell and back with/because of her, but I still love her and want her to be happy. But I won't make myself the fool again.

My question is simple, would you fight for the one you love, even if they have broken your heart in the past? We are both fairly young (23yrs) so in the past I would hold back and let her make her own decisions on the things she is confused about rather than with me influencing her, but it seems I am just letting anyone else come in and take her. What would you do?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • she isn't yours to take, though. I guess I can't relate to your question, as I view myself as a completely able, independent person. Regardless of how anyone feels about me and how they express that, if I don't want them, it doesn't matter. I'm not easily influenced and I have a mind of my own. I only prefer people who are the same, generally. so it would be their decision regardless, there's no "or" in it.

    I'll make my feelings known, but if the other person doesn't want to be with me, then its bordering desperation and harassment to continually "fight" to be with them. its okay to be in love, but its also important to be intelligent and adult about things, and to understand that just because YOU love someone, they don't have to (and sometimes wont) love you back. a relationship can't be sustained on using powers of persuasion to "influence" other people. that's not healthy. its also not healthy for someone who doesn't know what they want to be with you simply because you really want to be with them. its manipulative to them and ultimately unfair to you. you should want someone to be with you because they want to be with you, and not because you're going to "influence" them. put your heart on the line, make it known how you feel, but after a few times of trying, you need to scrape up what little dignity you have left and move on. you'll only become a joke later on. my friends and I do talk about people we call "stalkers" who constantly come into our lives and try to win us over when we have repeatedly rejected them. its funny but we also feel bad for them. its just unfortunate to like someone (worse to love) who isn't interested in being with you for whatever reason. if you left a mark on her heart that she can't shake, and she feels that she wants you, shell come to you, even if at the eleventh hour. whether or not you're still open and available then is another story, but that is how life goes.

    so my answer is that, in theory, I would be honest and let them know how I feel and id want to know what their reasons for not wanting to be with me were. if I feel they are things that can be overcome, I might stick around. if they simply aren't interested in me, then I need to suck it up and go home. its hard to get over that stuff, but you really need to for your own happiness. in reality, I've never chased after someone who didn't want me though - too much pride. I don't even have patience for constant on/off again deals. however, some people find happiness after miserably sticking it out. if that person came back to me, depending on the situation, I wouldn't have an issue with starting again if there were no bad feelings between us. sometimes it is about where you are in life, if you need time to realize what you want/need, etc. and that's fine, but if I'm no longer into them or not single, then that's their loss. same for me - I've dumped a guy before then realized later that I wanted to be with him and it was too late.

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    • Thanks. Granted, I don't think it is fair, though, to say you can't relate because you're an able, independent person. Just because I (or anyone else for that matter) have someone that I genuinely love (whether she feels the same is a whole other point), doesn't mean that I myself am not independent. But I guess I can see where you're coming from. Either way, thank you for the well thought out answer, it was appreciated.

      By the way how did you approach that when it was too late with your ex/?

What Girls Said 17

  • Simplest way to put it: “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” ~ Mark Twain

    Think long and hard about those words then make your decision.

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  • :) a very fitting question for me at the moment. I've tried for 4 months to fight for my ex. I can tell you that these past months were literally some of the worse in my life in terms of confusion, doubting, missing him, hurting, anger and guilt. I tried my best but at the end of the day I've realized something - you cannot force another person to love you. Seems simple but sometimes you always think 'oh if I just do this' or 'if I just say this' he will come back.

    But unfortunately it doesn't work like that. He has to WANT to come back and no matter how hard you fight, it won't work unless the other person is fighting too.

    So I guess what I'm saying is sure, try your best but at the same time, realize that you have to let her decide as well. If you are the only one who is fighting to save your relationship (or create one), then it's not going to work out because every relationship has and requires 2 ppl.

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    • Thank you. So, considering that she is a young, attractive, smart 20 something with a lot of questions, would you think that the best plan is to just keep to my life and making myself a better person, and just let her decide? I figure that I focus on myself and since I really haven't given her a chance to fight for me, I can let her do that now and realize what life is like without me for a while. Thanks again for sharing.

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    • Thanks. Also, this may be too ahead of time, but when it comes to the whole "cutting off all contact" thing, I have dilemma. Her birthday is in 2 months. Do you think it would be wise to not text at all, or to just stay civil and text. I think if I text, that is just making myself more available for hurt. Sorry for all the questions but you seem to really know what you are talking about :) lol

    • You're only opening yourself to hurt if you expect her to text you in response. You can just send her 2 words - literally 'happy birthday' and that's it. It shows that you're the bigger man and that you're wishing her well. Nothing more. Just do not expect a response. If you get one, great. If you don't, well no biggie as long as you didn't expect anything.

  • One thing I've learned is to not wait. You've fought for her in the past and she's let you go, twice. I think put the ball in her court but don't wait for her to pass it. She'll take you for granted if you're always there. I get that you love her, but right now I don't think she appreciates you as much as you do for her.

    I have always been the one to try and fight for it, but I've realized that if they really wanted me, I wouldn't have to fight for them to stay or be with me again. It's a waste of time and energy that could've been spent on someone that could make me happier.

    Good luck on whatever path you take, just remember no regrets because it's what you wanted at the time.

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  • you don't own her.

    fighting for someone means overcoming obstacles , to be with them. not trying to control them.

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    • I am not saying I do. That's why I have always tried to let her decide for herself. I just feel like in the past, my unwillingness to fight for her attention or affection, has left it easy for her to forget about me and move on. Where as I would have actually won her love back had I tried harder. My situation is just tough, because those "obstacles" have been her indecisiveness about love and us going back and forth for so long.

  • it depends on if they are worth it..or how bad they have messed up in the past. I've fought for an ex and it worked but afterward he was under the impression that he could do whatever he wants and I'd always come back. he obviously didn't deserve the effort I was putting in. you have to look at the entire picture.

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    • Thank you. If you do not mind me asking, are you and your ex still together? I just ask because I completely relate to having your ex feel like they can get away with anything and you'll come back to them.

    • yea we are, I just had to make it clear that just because I forgave him doesn't mean I always will.

    • Good to know. Thank you for sharing.

  • i don't believe in fighting for anyone for a relationship with the person. love can be one sided but relationship has to be mutual

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  • I would fight for him till either he told me to stop, or until I know he is happy with someone else or alone.. I don't want to force it though, because I might make him run away

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  • no, I wouldn't fight. then again, it doesn't take much to lose me-if I get rejected once, I usually don't stick around to try to change their mind. if the other person doesn't want to fight too, then it's not worth the effort.

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  • If you think she also feels the same way then go fight for what you feel and I guess it won't be hard for you to win her back. But if you are just the one who feel that love and nothing with her, then that's worthless. Let her go, move on and find someone who will give you the love you want and you worth. Goodluck!

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  • I would fight for someone I love, but not unless they were worth fighting for. In your situation, I would say she isn't worth it. I'd fight only for someone who was willing to do the same.

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    • That is a very good point. I can't say that I am sure if she would fight for me or not. I could ask, but she is supposedly talking to someone now, and I can;'t really ask that now... thank you.

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    • True that! Thanks again for the 2 cents and kudos on the profile pic by the way lol

    • Haha, no problem. Good luck :)

  • If you still care about her, fighting for her is no doubt. There is question and problem between lovers. It needs time and chances to cure. Just give you two one more chance!

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  • The only person you'll be fighting is her; nobody's taking her, she's choosing to leave. If you wouldn't do that to her then I'd say let her go, because clearly this isn't an equal relationship.

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  • if she's deserving to fight of.why not?

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  • I would let her make her own decisions. She's an adult, she can figure things out for herself.

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  • This is tough to answer. My ex and I broke up about 8 months ago. I'm still so in love with him. I fought for us for a long time, but I finally realized that he wasn't fighting for us. As much as it sucks, you can't make someone love you back. I've tried, but that person has to want it, too. I wish things weren't so complicated.

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  • i think it depends on the situation and how many times you broke up, if it just happened once then people deserve a second chance but if it happened twice or more, its like the 3 strikes you're out rule, if you find that person breaking your heart over and over again and all you feel is pain, then may be its a sign you shouldn't be with them. theyre not trustworthy, theyre not fully committed to you, and they care if your feelings get hurt. if someone disrespects you over and over again its not worth fighting for them because they will just dismantle you all over again. this is what you call a toxic relationship. its there, but its bad its like a slow dying death. and its better to get rid of it for good.

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  • I, think that,is worthless. Especially if the, person doesn't know that you want them back . Everyone has to make a choice and when men or women try to get their lover or relationship partner back to me its like calling a deaf person. You will get no feedback. and when the said person does make a chouce usually its neither of the people that want them back. Most often people are surprised with their choice

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What Guys Said 12

  • You do, both. A relationship is a two-person venture; if you love a person, but they don't love you back, or they aren't sure if they do, the outcome would be pretty messy, if you force it.

    Fight for the one you love to get them back, but stop fighting when you realize the one you love is who you're fighting.

    Just watch her, and see where she goes and what she does. Those bits of information will tell you everything you need to know.

    I don't mean watch for a a verbal response. People are not stupid, we can identify when things are not to our liking, or when other people are ready to be in a relationship and committ. We just allow the idea that we might have finally found THE ONE make our view fuzzy.

    If you sit back and watch, don't say much and speak when spoken to, she'll let you know what she thinks about you and the situation. And from her answer, you'll know what to do.

    DON'T GAUGE YOUR ANSWER OFF OF WHAT SHE SAYS IN RESPONSE TO THE QUESTION, JUST WATCH WHAT SHE DOES. AND, DON'T LET HER ON TO WHAT YOU'RE DOING - SHE SEEMS TO BE A PLAYA ...

    WATCH OUT - LOL!

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  • My girlfriend left me 3 months ago for someone else. We were going through a slump, she was unhappy. The guy was a complete loser and I hated him. I took two months to heal and never contacted her and always ignored her and told her never to talk to me. After awhile, I realized how much I loved her and wanted to be with her. I was waiting for them to break up and for her to contact me. However I realized I had to be true to myself, so I contacted her. She told me how much she missed me and regretted what she did, and we are back together now better than ever.

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    • Everyone always told me she wasn't worth fighting for either, but I didn't care. It was a matter of who I loved.

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    • I'm 20 and she's 18. She was a huge motivation for me, as well. I hardly left my bed after the break up but I realized I wasn't helping myself. I took to the habit of jogging whenever my mind wouldn't cut me some slack, and I basically returned to my former self before the break-up, before things got bad. Finally, when I contacted her I was so laid back and friendly, she was completely shaken because she didn't see it coming at all. I was confident in who I was, and what I wanted, which was her.

    • We were together for two years without any real problems before we broke up. If you want to ask me more about it, feel free to send me a friend request or a message. I don't want giving you some advice if you need.

  • If I really really love them yes..

    the only girl I've faught for was my first true love. But she never cared I guess. And I don't think ill fight ever again for some1 else.

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  • Buddy, you have to figure out the reason why she's left you twice for other guys. You have to learn the reason. You're not making her feel something. That's step 1. In the meantime, be casual friends with her, but start dating other chicks. Get serious with one other girl. Right now, you're the guy she can fall back to. She's got you wrapped around her finger.

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  • Nah I wouldn't fight, just seeing how she broke up with you twice is enough for me, let alone to see another man. I would let her decide to see if she's really into you because if she really liked you, she would come back to you and she wouldn't have dumped you to go set someone else.

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    • Thanks a lot man. We have actually somehow found our way back to each other in some way in the past. So that has helped me leave things as they are, letting her decide.

  • "We have broken up twice, and both times were because she wanted to and then she started seeing someone else just a month or so afterward..."

    Sounds like she's just not that into you.

    The only way you should even think about persuing her is if you know WHY she broke it off with you twice before (that is to say, if you know what it was about yourself that repelled her), and you have fixed it since.

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  • let her come to you, if she does want you, she will want to go back with you. I know this because my ex broke up with me and them she after not talking for a while, she wanted to come back with me. I however didn't go back with her, because she humilliated me and I guess she missed her train long time ago...

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    • Bravo, sir, bravo. I admire your courage because when the person is someone you genuinely, unconditionally love, that is NOT an easy thing to do.

  • no I wouldnt..unless she's my wife...

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  • I would fight. I'm assertive when it comes to things that hold special meaning to me.

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  • its not worth it, would you truly marry someone that you know would want a divorce somewhere down the road? she's done it to you twice and left you alone, but honestly she's already proved to you she's not worth it,

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  • 1derful,i can fight 4 some1 I love or haved love b4

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  • I wouldn't fight for someone who had broken my heat! even if I still did love them! If they have done it before the could do it again! I think you should just let her decide.

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