Do relationships have to be hard? PLEASE HELP

i've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 months. I'm 19, and he's 21. both our first relationship. at first things were great, but I would always overanalyze things he did and would try my best not to be clingy. but now, since I'm away at a different school, I've been trying extra hard to keep our relationship together, and he hasn't really been matching it because he said that I need to focus on school and we can make time when have it since we're both busy. I've visited him twice and he came once, a few days before Valentine's day and went out and he got me a gift, but when Valentine's day actually rolled around, he didn't say anything, he just went asleep. and said we can't see each other until my spring break when I come down. I find myself overreacting and over analyzing a lot but I feel like he isn't trying as hard and I'm too avaliable for him and always is his beck and call, because I'm so insecure. I wanted to wait to have sex, but when he said that he was ready, I jumped at the chance to go ahead and have sex even though I wasn't really ready and wasn't fully into it or I do things he likes but then get mad at him or just get irritated him all around sometimes, and then I realize later on that I was being stupid. I almost never tell him how I feel, I just deal with it on my own. he does know I have some issues with my family and stuff currently. and recently I've been getting counseling because I haven't been taking care of myself, but I haven't told him. I feel like he should be pouring over me, like I sometimes do, but he doesn't. but I feel like he's just comfortable and is like "ok" every time I go through the moods. so over all I'm just frustrated and overthinking. most people think he just doesn't care and that I should break up with him, but I'm the one to be attached and not have the balls to do it because I feel like things can change. and he is receptive to me, and does whatever I say or what most of the time. so why am I being so effing crazy?! my roommate says that I let my head win over my heart and let things build up for no reason because of my impatience and that he's just lazy? IDFK


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Trying hard doesn't work. When you're a woman, when you do less it is so much better. When you are so buys living your own life, and focusing on YOUR life and not his it makes him even more attracted to you. When you make things comfortable for a guy, he gets too comfortable, and won't try to do anything, because you are trying to do everything.

    I'm so glad you are getting counseling, that is a great step to taking care of YOU. If you don't feel like having sex, DON'T have sex.

    You can tell him how you FEEL, but not what he has done WRONG.

    I know it's counter-intuitive, but when you back off, men almost always respond to this. Be patient, but don't be a pushover.

    Good luck sweetie! Take care of yourself ;)

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    • i've been going through this for a while, but when I back off and not answer, he texts and calls more. is this good?

      and yes, I have self worth issues :/ but I've had enough and am taking steps to love myself. I really appreciate your advice :)

    • That's how it works. There is only so much space, and if you fill up the space, there's nothing left for him to do. It's counter-intuitive isn't it. The less you do, the more he wants to do. Guys like the challenge, (and frankly, so do women). Letting him chase you, will do wonders for your self-esteem. If you call him and he doesn't call back, it leaves you feeling bad, right. It's great to respond to him, just bounce the ball back, and don't take over the game!

What Guys Said 5

  • So other people here have suggested not answering right away if he calls and making yourself less available by ignoring him. This is a band aid solution and doesn't solve the problem that you're too attached to your boyfriends approval and attention for your self image. Continue seeing your counselor and follow their advice, get involved in school activities, find hobbies and make friends so he isn't your only means of social support. this will also make you busier so you aren't constantly checking your phone and you can more organically not respond to his texts right away.

    About Valentine's day. This is what I got from your story: Your boyfriend came a few days before feb14 and took you out (for Valentine's day?) and bought you a gift (specifically for Valentine's day?) and then on Feb 14 he didn't say anything and slept in. To me this seems fair. He remembered you on Valentine's day and took you out, spending time with you. It would of been nice for him to say happy Valentine's day on the day itself, but that seems less of a big deal than him coming to see you and taking you out. It wasn't on the day but the intent was there I'm not sure why the date is so important. I think you may be over reacting on that point if I got your story straight. Please comment if I'm wrong.

    That being said if you are upset about something you need to talk to him about it so he knows. Your feelings are always valid, but your reaction/conclusion may not be. If he cares about you he should try to improve his behavior or explain himself so you understand his behavior . Communication is paramount in a good relationship. I have no idea how far away you two are from each other. It could be enough distance to warrant only 3 visits, regardless if you don't like that you have a responsibility to tell him your feelings about it and you two can discuss it like adults. Also you need to discuss your personal problems with him too because he can support you.

    I hope your relationship can be a happy one again

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    • Wow, excellent advice. I will take what you and the girl below said to heart. It is hard, and when we were friends and just starting out, I was confident and happy. He knows there's a lot going on with my life now and he's stuck around and been supportive & accepts my and obviously puts up with my neurosis lol. But now, I am in the steps of actually getting out more and fulfilling my college experience during our time apart. We're just an hour and a half away.

    • So with visiting, I'm only allowed home on breaks, but the two times I did visit for him I was upset because I felt ignored since our time was short. He can't commute here very often he says because of his work and school schedule. Half the time in not even myself when I'm with him and I hate it, but that's what therapy is for, and he knows I try too hard. So, why is he with me, I think, and then I obsess. But I'm not gonna let my insecurities get the best of me.

  • he has issues of his own that he isn't dealing with. Men and women can both be "guilty" of "trying too hard" at the start and there is always one person in the relationship that is more into the other. It seems it is you in this case. Hold back from him, when/if he calls, tell him you are busy, make sure you are though, don't try to manipulate him, just, when we don't always get what we want, it is just that much better when we do get it. Dinazcolada has the right answer from a woman here, take her post seriously - love is a two-way street. Love is the end result of these three things; TRUST, RESPECT and LOYALTY. When you achieve those three together and not necessarily in the order presented, unconditional love is the result. Try to work on those three things dear.

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  • Well, if you"re not getting what you want out of the relationship, even after you've expressed that he has not met you at least half way, I'd think that he isn't trying hard enough. And yes, that means he's lazy. I wouldn't put up with it. But relationships take work, but there is such a thing as too much work. When that happens, I think its time to move on.

    Bottom line, you're 19. ( I sometimes wish I was 19 again) You have A LOT of life ahead of you to find someone that is 'better' at relationships than he is.

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  • You should just focus on your life and not around his, that way you can have less stress in your life as well, also we as men like to have some space as well, WE HATE WHEN GIRLFRIENDS NAG AT US! Its good when you have a life of you own its attractive. However don't forget that you have a boyfriend either though, we also like to get spoiled sometimes and we like the good things about a relationship too. I didn't read all of that, but if you are having problems, nagging and fighting with him won't make him like you more, he can still cheat on you even if you are yelling at him.

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  • you should just focus on your life and not around his, that way you can have less stress in your life as well, also we as men like to have some space as well, WE HATE WHEN GIRLFRIENDS NAG AT US! Its good when you have a life of you own its attractive. However don't forget that you have a boyfriend either though, we also like to get spoiled sometimes and we like the good things about a relationship too. I didn't read all of that, but if you are having problems, nagging and fighting with him won't make him like you more, he can still cheat on you even if you are yelling at him.

    this is the best answer in my opinion. I think you cud find this one helpful.

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