Need opinons/advice about my bf? Have any of you experienced something like this, and, was it worth it in the end?

Hi,

I am 19, in my first year of college, and have been living on my own and supporting myself for the past three years. I've had two other committed and serious relationships. At this point in my life I know what I want to do as far as academics are concerned, and I know that I would like to marry my boyfriend and have children with him.

My boyfriend is 20 and still lives with his parents, which didn't bother me when we first met (they are supporting him through school) although throughout the course of our relationship it has become more of a problem. Although his mother is an absolute witch to him (he hates her) he still wants to maintain a good relationship with his father and younger sister, which is why he tries to avoid confrontation with his parents (ie mother and pawn father).

We have been dating for a little over a year and half, and have already talked about getting married, having kids...the whole nine yards. He's said that he doesn't feel comfortable with moving out until he has his BA. His reasoning is that if he moved out at the end of this semester (he will be receiving two AAs and transferring to another school for his BA) he won't be able to financially support us and wouldn't want the burden to fall on me. At the moment I make much more than he does, but the trade-off is that I'm not able to take as many classes as he is. What we've decided is that, until he has his BA, his focus is school and mine, work. After he gets his BA and transfers to grad school for his MA and PHD, I will be able to concentrate a little more on school because we (assume) that he will have a better paying job. Right now he works as a sushi chef (he makes ~12-13/hr).

So...the plan is that he will stay with his parents for the next 2 years and then we will get engaged and move in together. 2 years after that, when he has his MA and I have my BA we will get married...sounds like the perfect plan right?

Well, it was...until his mother came into the picture.

His mother throws a temper tantrum like clockwork. Since we have been dating she's thrown a fit about the time we spend together every few months. She's upset because he's "not studying enough" or "isn't around the house anymore" etc. Its gone from us being able to spend 4 nights a week together at my place, to only 2 nights a week, then to only Sundays...and finally, he's no longer allowed to spend the night at my place. She has also said that she doesn't want us dating anymore and has convinced his father that I'm smuggling drugs (because I make more money than my bf...WTF?!)

Its been so stressful having to deal with her freaking out and then having to deal with not seeing my bf. I feel like, with her personality, its only going to get worse if we get engaged and then marry. My question is, have any of you experienced something like this, and, was it worth it in the end? I'm hoping he decides to just move out at the end of semester...I don't think I can put up with this situation for 2 more years.

Updates:
oh...i wanted to say, I'm also frustrated because right now I could easily afford a 2bdrm apartment for us (~1500 where I live) and still be able to pay the bills. So, his whole "I'm not ready to move out" is more of a mental hang up than a financial one.
Talked to him and he said that what's been bothering him lately is that he's scared of committing to an engagement. The thought of getting engaged/married scares him but at the same time he says he loves me.
He also said "you know that if we met after my BA I would marry you in a heartbeat"

but then he says he's scared of committing to something that might happen 2 years from now...I feel so confused!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • ahahah you're a drug smuggler?! wow. what a childish mother. she obviously is afraid to let her little boy go. that's normal, but the drama and lies? freak...?! I'm sorry you're dealing with this. but think about it, do you want to marry him even with his family like that? think really hard about this lovekins.. I know right now you think oh I can forget about his family or we will all learn to get along, blah blah blah, chances are you wont. you want to marry into a family where you all have a good trusting relationship. if his mother is like this now, chances are it will be a while before she chills out.

    in the mean time, don't worry about marriage just yet, you're only 19, I got married at 20, I don't think its too YOUNG BUT, do you know who you are already and what you want? you're aware that his debts become your debts right? I'm sure you do, you sound very intelligant. just chill out on the wedding for right now, finish college, see if you can all work this out.

    if anything have a sit down talk with his mother if there is no talking to her, then talk with him and maybe HE can have a sit down talk with her or convince her to sit with you guys and work things out.

    if his grades are really getting all screwed up, then at least compromise or with the time you 2 are together, study and do homework or something.

    mothers are tough women and ever tougher to get along with if she feels you are a threat to her childs future.

    im sorry you're going through this and I wish you the best.

    i hope I helped...

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    • Hey,

      thanks, you really did help...I feel much better. I understand what you mean, she'll only get tougher as time goes by...I don't understand why she's acting this way, but, maybe there's no other reason than she just doesn't like me. His grades are just fine, better than when we first met, actually :)

      We talked today and he admitted that the thought of getting engaged or getting married scares him a little. I guess right now all I can do is wait and see what happens.

What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 2

  • Wow now that's ruff... Well mothers in general are most likely to give their sons girlfriend a hard time since they have a whole idea that " Some tramp is trying to take their little boy away" no disrespect but I've heard it many times... its hard for a mother to let go of her son and well its always different in some cases, the guy ends up being a jerk or cheats and everything that you went through with his family ends up being a total waste but then it ends up being worth it. Its totally up to the type of guy he is. I would suggest to try to get closer to the dad, he seems more understanding, let his dad and siblings get to know you better so the whole idea of smuggling drugs goes away. But the mother well she's a total bitter witch and either she changes and accepts you or she will be a pain for the rest of whole life. But just remember that what matters the most is the love you two have for each other and the future you two plan for one another. Try talking to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel and throw in the idea of getting to know the rest of his family since he's such a family guy.

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  • Wow, is the family dynamics based on cultural aspects maybe? I don't know. I think that he will need to cut the cord and learn to be independant. It's scary but not impossible

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    • It is and it isn't cultural...haha. I'm full Jap, and even though my family is traditional, they aren't as suffocating as his is. He is 1/2 Mexican 1/2 Korean, but even though his mom is from Korea she acts like she's not! What I mean is she doesn't speak Korean, didn't teach her kids Korean, didn't teach them family values, and doesn't want anything to do with Korean people in general. He's said that he's always wanted a tight knit family, and I think he's holding on to them because of that... :\

    • That's odd. It's possible to have a solid family without the controlling aspect of it. Have you tried talking to him about weaning himself off such strict dynamics? Yes he's under her roof but really, he should be able to have freedom. I wonder what happened to his mother that makes her be so...well, this way.

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