Need tough no sugar-coated advice from guys about dating online

OK. So I am a recently divorced mom. I have turned to online dating the past year as that is really only way I get to meet guys who are single parents like me. So in the past year, I have met a total of 3 guys who I really hit it off with. Met some other nice guys but didn't click. This is the problem -- I let my guard down when I really it it off with a guy. Not every guy but ones I feel are making an effort like me and who I feel a connection with. We have great dates, I'm told I'm awesome, fun, beautiful. They don't try to sleep with me (of the three I only slept with one of them and it was after a while and we still hung out a few more times). Here's the problem>>>none of these guys end up getting off the dating site to become exclusive. I just had a great date with this guy on Friday. Went awesome. We had our first kiss...was sweet, he didn't try to take advantage at all. Said we would hang out this weekend. But all of a sudden after texting and calling every day, ever since the date I barely have heard from him. I just feel kinda dumb. Like it happened again. Another guy who acts all into me and ends up fading away. For prob someone he finds "better" for some reason than me online. I'm not usually a whiner or self-pitier, but it is brutal dating these days. I'm trying to remain positive but I just need to wonder...guys, is it me, is it the lure of finding someone who might be better online (I hear this one a lot), or what? I just don't get it anymore. Should I not jump to conclusions on this new guy yet since Friday went great? I'm just confused...


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Here is what I see in this... there are a few different types of guys on dating sites. First you have your ones that just want to use you or have sex with you. Second you have the ones who are tired of the bar scene and basically want to "choose" who they may want to be with mainly based on compatibility and attractiveness. Third you have the ones who have been hurt before or used before so they are leary about the whole online dating scene but want to find the one. This basically goes for women too. So a couple of things I noticed in this one or question. 1. You say that you only want the ones who put in an effort like you, but can you honestly say you only talk to one guy at a time even when dating someone else? 2. You say that they never get off the dating site after you had a great date with them (all 3) but really again, how do you know they aren't off the dating site if you are still on there>? Maybe they only stay on there because you stay on there. Just a clear observation... Maybe they are thinking the same thing you are... you can't expect someone to drop off the site and be exclusive and you don't do the same. I understand you want to "check on them" to see if they are still on there, so maybe they are doing the same to you. Just like Friday's guy... your date went great...that is awesome but 3 things again, 1. that was just the first date, people I don't think are just going to drop off all sites after one date 2. Again with you checking on him, you are obviously on there too yet 3. Maybe he just hasn't had time to cancel his subscription... there is a myriad of possibilities here and you can't just think of the negative on it... he may even see you on the dating site yet and thinking "this might be too good to be true" One thing I learned in life over and over, and still fall for it is to "never assume". I know you like this guy, but you also show a negative expectation it seems like for not only any guy you date but dating in general. Yes dating is tough, but its worth it and some day you will find the one that makes every sweat and tear over the years worth it. So in summary, don't assume ever, don't expect someone to drop off the website completely if you dont, and get ride of the negative past that you hold that you "think its you" and quit thinking that every relationship is going to fail and quit assuming since it happened in the past that it will happen again. You learn from the past, you let go of the past, your live in the present, which will make for a better future for you. I hope this helps! Best of luck to you!

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What Guys Said 4

  • Yes dating online is tough. One thing you wil lrealize is how much games these guys play. They keep their options open and the ytalk to different girls at once. I think a lot don't want to leave the site and become exclusive because they think they will find something better. I say give the guy on Friday a chance. Your right things may seem to be goign right and the guys disappear when they don't want to be bothered. They might try to reapear when things don't go well with their other dates. It seems like everybody likes to play games.

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    • thanks...yeah it's so hard doing this online dating. I don't know if I'm cut out for it ...

    • Hang in their. Your doing the right thing. At least your going out on dates and stuff. You wil leventually meet Mr. Right. Just don't give up hope and they also have other dating sites you can join if the one your on doesn't work out. Dating is a lot of work. It's almost like working.

  • I have been using online dating sites on and off. People tend to continue using the site they were on after the first date. It applies both to guys and girls.

    I once dated a girl for a few months. I stopped using the site shortly after I started dating her. But she continued to exchange messages with other guys, though she did not appear to be seeing anyone but me. We felt comfortable discussing it and I never objected to what she was doing. We split up after a while. Later, I learned that while we were dating, she felt that I was not the right guy for her. So her desire to stay on the site was quite justified.

    I, too, think that it's the perception that even if you met somebody through online dating, you could meet a better match later. I think it's partially explained by the fact that you see so many faces and read so many resumes online, that you think: there bound to be someone better. In everyday life, you don't get to know so many people in a short time span.

    Most people who are new to online dating find the experience very confusing. You have to remember that many, but not all, site members are unsuccessful in finding a partner in real life. It may indicate that they behave in the wrong way or have a wrong perception about relationships. In some cases, they are simply incapable of developing strong emotional bonds. That might explain the short lives of those interactions.

    I think it is the question of taking those encounters lightly that matters. If you really click with someone, you will certainly forget about everyone else. With online dating it's just the question of time and patience. Just make sure you stay safe at all times.

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  • Online is just as bad as the bars and I think statistically a little worse. Nowadays people tend to avoid becoming exclusive until they are sure they have the best deal so you are not alone with this problem. Just play the field and don't assume commitment until you all have a talk.

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    • thanks. it really hurts because I want to remain hopeful but then I get my hopes up. I guess I gotta play the game if they are. just really want to meet a nice guy and see where it can go...not looking to get married again ha ha but looking to make a real connection. thanks for your feedback

    • NP, yeah I will develop feelings almost immediately if I run into a fun, hot, smart girl. Actually it just happened to me and she was leading me on. Luckily she only wasted like a week of my time always texting back and forth. The game has to be played.

  • The first thing you should assume about online dating is that the guys might be dirt bags, that's not a condemnation of online dating (although I do have my reasons to hate it) It's just a potential risk that half the guys on these sites are just looking to bag some easy 'tang and jet. After that, assuming they're not a dirtbag, the next things you should assume is that they're not there to meet just ONE person. They're hoping to meet "the one", sure, but they're not going to put all their eggs in one basket. If they can they'll meet more than one girl a week and continue on with the one they hit it off most with. and even then they may not leave the website until they're engaged and absolutely sure they got the right women (and the same goes for most of the women too since they get twice as many emails from guys on the average).

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What Girls Said 1

  • I have a few theories about online dating, and the issues surrounding it. I don't think that everyone is bad, or has the intention of juggling several people at once.. it just kind of happens.

    1) There are too many choices. We start to become paralyzed in our ability to just settle down, or choose. Because there are so many choices we tend to constantly be holding out for something better.

    2) Some have been on there for so long that its become a way of life. The thought of leaving the dating site just seems off to them.

    3) Email addresses should be a separate email that is dedicated to online dating only. I have a very good reason for this. I can't count how many times I've had a GREAT date, I come home, sit down, and check my email. Right there are 5 emails from all the men who want to meet me. Well, its like playing a game.. of course I have to go look! When in reality.. I should just stop and focus on this great date I just had. So knowing that this happens to me, I know this is happening to the man I just had this GREAT date with also. So, I strongly suggest for everyone to separate the emails so you have to make a conscious choice to go check your messages.

    4) Dating is just royally messed up these days and you really do have to watch out for some of these guys. They have too much pride to go to a site like AFF, but they treat a dating site as such.

    5) Always be up front about what you're looking for. I hate that BS line after spending 3 months dating someone "I'm not looking for anything serious." Well then jackass get off match.com and go stick your d*** in a casual sex site because if you're not dating with the intention of wanting something serious, then its casual sex... duh? If men could just be honest and say... "I'm not seeing anything serious happening between us" it would be a totally different story. I remember a man telling me that after 3 dates and I was amazed, and so happy with the honesty. He was super nice about it too. Interesting enough he was a British guy.. so maybe its just the American men who are incapable of being honest?

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