Just had kind of an upsetting online dating experience...

Okay, so I've been on an online dating site for a while, and was contacted by a guy who lives an hour away. We talked earlier this week, and at the end of the conversation he said he actually joined because he saw my profile/very interested in me. I felt flattered. Just a quick background: I'm 41, single, and no kids-I'm pretty unique in that although I've dated a lot and been involved, I have never met "the one" and I won't settle for anyone just because it's "the norm" to be married with children.

We talked about meeting this weekend. I just spoke to him on the phone again, and after talking for a minute, suddenly he said he actually was thinking after we spoke the first time that he really wants kids someday(he's 42) and he probably should be looking for someone younger. He started asking about my plans for the rest of the day, but I cut him off and said "You know, I don't want to talk anymore...goodbye." And hung up.

I'm feeling really awful now. I'm open to having children if it's meant to be, whether I can actually conceive, or by adoption, or if it's not meant to be, that's okay too. And it's okay for someone to want to date someone younger if that's the mindset. But I don't think he should have even bothered contacting me in the first place if that was what he was thinking.

Thanks for "listening" to whoever reads this.

Updates:
Just was reading through some of the comments, and wanted to point out a couple of things-first, @relationshipdna, yes, I am an independent person, and what meant by "the one" was "good enough", warts and all. There was no "giving him a chance"-he just got through telling me he preferred to date someone younger, so there was nothing more to say. By the way-many younger people suffer from fertility problems,(including men), and women in their forties can conceive and have a healthy child.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I always here chronically single women talk about "the one"... There are seven billion people on the planet! Why do we assume that there is "one" perfect guy out there for us? This kind of thinking needs to be burned and buried. It causes an unrealistic level of expectation that will be almost impossible to find... (that was a rant moment)

    If the he wants kids, it's no reflection on you. When two people fall in love, some level of compromise has to happen for it to fully work, and you just don't know if he would be willing to forgo the idea of children if it means happiness with you. And yes, there are many options.

    It sounds to me that you are what I call a Tigress...fierce, go-getter who doesn't need anyone to do anything for her. You don't subscribe to traditional ideas of relationships and you'd rather run solo, like a tigress, rather than find yourself stuck in a relationship that you deem anything less than perfect. This also makes you so independent that you have very little patience and room for what you consider indecision or p**** footing. He either rolls with the punches or gets left behind. (Let me know how close I am!)

    I think yes, you should have given him a chance and I don't think it's too late to reach out and apologize if he's given the room to do so. And don't be afraid to explain exactly what your issue was. You're 41 and really don't have time to waste on dead-end situations. Be upfront about what you're open to and have him tell you exactly what he wants so that you can make a logical decision to a rather, emotional situation.

    I would also suggest that you take the time to think about some the patterns of sabotage you end up repeating every time things get to a certain point in your relationships. It may reveal something you haven't been aware of, (a fear or commitment perhaps)?

    Good luck, and wish you love and relationship success!

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What Guys Said 1

What Girls Said 5

  • You get a hold of someone because you're interested, and then, if their is a deal breaker, you part ways. You are on the very end of the spectrum, as far as being able to conceive, you're running out of time. He wants kids, so, he should be looking for someone younger, and he was being honest with you about that. It wasn't a personal insult, which seems to be how you are taking it. Rejection sucks, but it's not a reflection of who you are, it's just that you two aren't the right fit. I understand your view, but really, you should take this all as a compliment. He knows he should be looking for someone younger, but, you were so interesting to him, he decided to contact you even though you are out of his preferable age range. I'd walk away from this with your head high because that is, indeed, a great compliment!

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  • Yea I agree with you. He should've been upfront with you from the get go and not had you invest any time into him. But I do give him credit for being honest. I've been doing online dating for awhile and it does get frustrating. There are a lot of jerks and flakes on there. But at least you didn't get too far or emotionally invested into him before you found this out. Youwill have rosier through a lot of garbage before you find something worth keeping. Don't let it discourage you.

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    • Thank you for your kind words, and yes, I agree, at least he did me a favor by telling me the truth before anything got too far.

    • Shoot I've had guys I've met up with and ones I've even went on a few dates with and they acted interested and they just up and disappear! But I just figure "it's their loss" so I don't let it bother me too much. Best of luck to you. Oh and I did want to say, yes it is possible for a woman in her 40s to conceive a healthy baby but the chances of complications during pregnancy and birth are higher as proved by science. But don't let it discourage you. There are other options out there

  • Answerer-the comment that starts with "I know this is old news by now..."

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  • I know this is old news by now, but I feel the need to put in my two cents.

    While the knife is stuck in her back, why not just twist it in a little deeper? I think if she was feeling bad before she posted this, she was feeling a whole lot worse reading your "advice".

    You're missing the boat on this one. A woman was led to believe a guy was truly interested in her, and then he said things that were really-unnecessary. It's not even on the same level as the traditional meeting, dating, and then realizing you're not a good fit. It's just plain hurtful.

    Assuming the fertility thing was even the real issue(maybe he's just a jerk who gets his kicks out of saying mean things-but I'm not going to there...), a nice guy would do this: come across this woman's profile; admire it; see her age;then pass it on by. She would never know the difference. That being said, I have to grudgingly give him this:at least he didn't get her sucked into a relationship and then come up with this low blow. But really now-the importance of having biological children didn't occur to him before he decided to contact her? Please, don't even!

    Moving on-I think you "ladies" are shockingly ignorant(And please, for the love of God and all that is holy, get rid of the word "hun" until the end of days-excuse me just a second while I go throw up) So because snowchild is 41, unmarried and with no kids, she should do the world a favor and take herself out of the dating world because "you gotta know, most men want kids and well, you shouldn't have waited and gone against the norm?" Total nonsense! A woman's reproductive years are limited, we can't change that fact, but life doesn't always work out the way we would like it to. Sometimes a woman does not always meet the "right one" (read RIGHT one-not perfect) in the time period she's "supposed to." Sometimes she does, and that's great. But what if she doesn't? A woman who stays true to herself and continues to wait for the right one despite her "biological clock ticking" is a rare find! A guy should only be so lucky as to finally meet snowhild and know that he's the one who gets to spend the rest of his life with her. She'll find him too, and guess what-he won't care one whit about how viable her eggs are.

    P.S. I believe in karma, and here's what I think will happen to this guy in his quest to find his "fertile myrtle." He'll meet her, fall madly in love with her, marry her, then find out he can't father children-and she'll dump him.

    Ain't that a bitch : )

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  • It was extremely rude for you to just hang up the phone on him like that.

    I mean, I really don't know what to say hun :( It's a sad situation. You did kind of wait to a really late age and your clock is only ticking for so long. Sweetie, no offense, but there are a lot of guys out there who want children and maybe that's something you should have considered earlier instead of being so fixated on going against the grain and not being apart of the norm. Despite the norm, if you want to have kids some day, you can't just wait around forever :(

    I don't know what to say. This situation is very sad and I wish you the best of luck with your future love life.

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    • @ question update, you are obviously being very over sensitive to the situation. I don't think he meant to insult you

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