Is he right? are my standards too ridiculous?

So I really like this guy. We actually met online. We have mutual friends though. We've been talking for about 8 months. Every time we try to hang out and finally meet he flakes out on me. I finally asked him why and he says Because I put too much pressure on Him expecting a nice date and everything. He just wants to take me out for ice cream and walk around talking. I said no and if he cared like he says he does he would take me somewhere nice and not just treat it like a casual date. He thinks I'm being ridiculous. But I asked him too Because I have been through a lot and my last boyfriend was very emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. I understand that's not his fault, but I told him because of this he needed to do a little more and try harder. He just got mad at me and kept saying how its all about money with me. Its really not. It just shows me he cares more if he takes me out somewhere nice. Am I in the wrong? He thinks I am and wants to cancel the date. I think he's being a jerk honestly.

I told him if he can't deal with what I've been through and accept that I expect more than most girls then he can see the door. Guys who don't take a girl out in my mind are seen as lazy. Because lets face it. Every guy who has ever tried to take me out somewhere casual in the past just wanted one thing. I'm not putting up with that again. And I am dealing with my problems. Its called court and a restraining order.
Plus plenty of other men take girls they don't really know on nice dates. My friends have guys do it all the time. So my request is not unreasonable.
Thanks guys. We talked and I apologized and said I was sorry for comparing him to my ex and we could go out for ice cream. I said I would change my attitude. He basically said he's mad at me and jusr doesn't want to try now. That I would be better being singe and need to work on things in my own life. He's right. It sucks but I'm starting to realize its what's best. His real jerk side came through as well even after I sincerely apologized to him.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Well I think you are both wrong in this scenario.

    1) You have every right to expect that a guy take you on a serious date, especially after what you've been through. It's not even about an expensive place (to me anyway), it just seems like a lot of guys these days try to get out of going on real dates for whatever reason. To keep it more casual, maybe they just want sex, etc. Going on a real date says he's serious. So he was wrong to make you feel bad about your preference.

    2) You were wrong for telling him this and for waiting around for 8 months. You want a guy that wants to do this for you. Telling him his date idea wasn't good enough is actually rude, but mostly unnecessary. If he wasn't happy to do this earlier on and without you having to tell him, then you shouldn't have wasted your time. You were wrong to make him feel bad about his preference. You should walk away at this point.


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What Guys Said 7

  • Guys really dig girls that enjoy the simple things. He might feel overwhelmed if every date is expected to be a major thing. Guys like to treat girls out though, like take them to a semi-fancy dinner or something, but not every date.

    I guess some questions I have are:

    Is this the first time you are actually meeting in person

    Are you still dating to get to know each other, or are you actually boyfriend girlfriend

    If this is the first time you are meeting in person, he might just want to have a casual date just to get a feel for things in person. If you are in the dating stage, and not boyfriend/ girlfriend stage, he might just be trying to figure out if he wants to pursue a relationship or not.

  • You're in the wrong. He does not have any reason at all, to work harder for you, for any baggage you have from a previous relationship. You should've solved all your problems before even thinking about meeting another man. Plus, he's paying, he can take you wherever he wants.

    • Court and a restraining order is not dealing with it. You still aren't emotionally ready.

  • Well - he is right.

    The real value of your dates is not measured in money, to which place he takes you. It's valued in how well you both connect and how good time you had.

    Unless it's your Birthday - it's not reasonable to ask for a fancy, expensive date.

  • First off, you can't blame him for your ex's flaws. He's not your ex, so stop putting pressure on him or treating him like that. Secondly, it's a first date. You can't expect a guy to go all out on a first date. A first date is to get to know each other. If I went on a few first dates a month with girls that were expensive, I'd be broke. So give the guy a break. Now after a while, you can expect him to do nice things. But it's also not right for him to flake out. You guys need to get on the same page. If you can't then don't make plans or date.

  • Many girls would kill to be asked out on a pleasant date even if it is ice cream and a walk with conversation. Guys will go great distances for the girls they like, but you two haven't even met and I don't think he's liking your personality one bit.

    Also,You say guys need to go the extra mile and take you out to nice places. Why? To show you he cares about you? Well how will he know you're even worth caring about if he hasn't even gone out with you, let alone met you? And if you think he or any other guy might be lazy or might use you for sex why don't you just use that brain of yours and stop seeing him. Is it really that hard to distinguish a good honest guy from a bum?

  • I always thought if you go right in for more intense dates people think you're just trying to buy your way into her pants without getting to know her on more casual dates. I could be wrong though I don't date very much :(

  • If its only a first date it doesn't need to be fancy. Just a chance to get to know each other more. Then you can make it fancy and expensive. And maybe he feels your expecting more of him because of your last boyfriend. And that doesn't sit well.


What Girls Said 2

  • You say, "Plus plenty of other men take girls they don't really know on nice dates." Yes, this is true, but I can pretty much guarantee it was because he wanted to take her there, not because she demanded it of him. My fiance is a very giving man, but if I had demanded this and that from date one, we wouldn't have made it to date three. He would have moved on in a heart beat, as he should of, if I was to treat him in such a disrespectful way. You say jump, he says how high? Giiirl, please! You have some serious rearranging to do in your brain about how dating and relationships work. GIve and take. You appear, to be wanting to do all the taking. It's not going to work for you . . .

  • You say it's not about the money, then what is it about? What is wrong with ice cream and a walk, to really feel each other out, talk, and see if there is potential for another date? There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You're coming across as high maintenance. Plus if your ex was so abusive, then I guy simply treating you proper and wanting to spend time with you should seem like heaven. Get your head out of the clouds. Why should he try so damn hard, what has he gotten from you? Start focusing on what you can do for him, instead of what you're getting out of it, and you will probably learn to be more appreciative where it is due. He should drop ya, what a pain in the rear.

    • I like this answer.

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    • You're right. That's what all my friends have been telling me. They're trying to get me to go out and stop thinking about my ex. Its not easy when I was engaged to the guy. I will go ahead and go on the date. I'm not gonna have a good attitude though.

    • I'm glad you've decided to go. Sounds like you have some good friends for support. One last thing... If you go in with a poor attitude, your date and yourself lose out, and the ex 'wins', again. The idea of letting someone else into your heart again is painful and scary. You'll one that's worthy. Our past is there for a reason, we can't rake it back, but we can use it to build our future. You strike me as proud (which you should be), and you are exactly who you are because of where you've been.