Girlfriend vs best friend...seems like girlfriend always loses?

my boyfriend's best friend is someone I've lost all respect for, and who I think is a really bad influence on his life. I've met the guy, we'll call him "jack", only twice, but from those two times, and everything I know about him he's not a good guy.

reasons why "jack" isn't a good guy: he encourages my boyfriend to drink, in the past he didn't try to stop my boyfriend from making poor decisions, he stays in constant contact with my bf's ex girlfriend who was abusive to him emotionally/verbally, he puts my boyfriend down and uses his ex girlfriend as a way to put him down to manipulate my boyfriend into doing something that he ("jack") wants to do.

my boyfriend only sticks up for him, and says that he's a good guy who's always been there for him through the tough times even though "jack" talks to my boyfriend so poorly and treats him that way. I feel like "jack" isn't matured, and is keeping my boyfriend from maturing in a lot of ways because they hang out a lot, and "jack" has an influence on my boyfriend. my boyfriend has another good friend, who doesn't live as close anymore, but is mature, has his stuff together, and doesn't treat my boyfriend or talk to him the same way that "jack" talks to him. when I asked my boyfriend why this other friend isn't his best friend he said that he and "jack" have known each other longer.

to me, it's a toxic friendship and one that's bad for my boyfriend but that nobody can see but me and his parents. when I talked to my boyfriend about it he said he feels like I hate "jack" and that he feels like he has to choose between the two of us.

what can I do? why does the girlfriend always lose? how can I get him (my bf) to see that "jack" doesn't have his best interests at heart?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • He has been there long and gone through things with him that is why. Girlfriends come and go and that's why they generally choose their bffs. In mi opinion multitudes of people come and go and some stay longer than the others and I suppose it's just a choice that people like to stay loyal to those who have been there the longest and never left especially when times are hard. It's no different when in a relationship and their SO isn't good for them.

    Only they can see that for themselves and it would probably make them more reluctant to do so when they feel as though you are always down on their friend who they have known since way back when. Just because you or anyone else has a problem with their friendship doesn't mean that they personally feel that way. He probably does feel like you are forcing him because you want him to leave his friend and he also cares a lot for you which puts him in a bad place and it more than likely stresses or bothers him. If you just keep pointing out reasons to leave him it's probably only going to make him want to defend him more. It's his choice.

    it's not easy to let him be around people who are bad for him but you can either tell him in a different way that doesn't seem like you are attacking him or you just let it be until he sees it for himself.

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What Guys Said 3

  • Honestly guys need their friends, it is not the same as the friendships girls have because guys need to be roudy and have fun. It sounds to me like they are both dealing with some classic regression. By this I mean the strains of growing up and forging a life path are too much and so when they are with each other they act like kids by doin stupid sh*t. My advice to you is to be supportive and don't try to pry him away from his buddy because that will just make him think less of you and not less of his friend. He is a big boy and can see what is wrong with his friend but hell there's something wrong with all of us and aslong as it does not bother him too much why should it bother you.

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  • Sounds like your boyfriend is his best friends bitch. There isn't much you can do, just keep pointing out the bad things his best friend does.

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  • maybe you do not really konw the"jack",you have prejudice to him.but if you are right,a serious taking with your boyfriend is necessary

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What Girls Said 2

  • Know what,There's no such bad influence esp. with grown ups. Your boyfriend is big enough to know what's right/wrong. He is big enough to decide for himself. Your boyfriend and his best friends known each other maybe for so long and their personalities vibes. They both want what they're doing and that's what they are. All they need is a girl who accepts them and love them sicerely. If they found a girl that will make them realize that there habit is not good, well they will surely follow her. They will respect and believe her but ofcourse in due process because you can't change a person in a click. Another is we all hate people who accuses our best friend, and so your boyfriend. Best friends are difficult to find (a person that knows you a lot inside and out).

    Boys doesn't want girls who forces/want them to change what they are. Boys will initiatively change.

    Be friend with his friends and he will love you more. Try to understand and accpet him the way he is. Talk about the effects but don't accuse anyone whose close to him. Be patient and wait for the proper time.:)

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  • Tell your boyfriend to write down or tell you all of the positives and negativesof your relationship with him and his relationship with "jack". When he says the positives, remind him of some of the bad things "jack" has done. Remind him of how his ex girlfriend was mean to him and ask him why he thinks "jack" would keep in touch with her.. If you really love your boyfriend thian this may not be a good idea but if its just teenage lust or a short term thing then tell him to choose between jack and you. If he really loves/likes you then he will choose you.

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