This guy my friend just started dating is playing her?

so this girl has been my bff since we were like 8. she has always made bad guy decisions and her latest boyfriend is one of the worst. he gives me some weird feelings. She is also not telling me things about him. I just want to have some manly insight about the things he is doing. first off, he is 28 and she just made 23. when they met through her sister she said was "living at his parents"(which I later discovered was that he was actually living in a shed with a window unit in the back yard). he was in the army, just got back from iraq and was trying to get on his feet so he didn't have a car. well they start seeing each other. on double dates she drives and pays like I assume anything else they do. within the first weeks of their relationship he always would stay the night with her. She still lives with her parents, so I thought that was weird. Three months into the relationship he is talking about marrying her and moving out even though he still has no job and is now LIVING at her house with her family. They even have gone to look at places to have the wedding, but he hasn't got her a ring. a few months ago I walked in on them having sex. they were dating about 4 months at the time. it would not have been surprising except for the fact that she was a virgin before this. the guy is alright looking and puts on a polite front but when we go out places together he makes very sexual jokes (sometimes even towards me like about my boobs or me and my boyfriend having sex) that make me uncomfortable. when I tell her she just says that's his sense of humor. I just get weird feelings about how fast he is taking things. I really feel like he is using her and making all of these empty promises. she truly believes they are getting married even though he has not even bought a ring. I don't think its normal for someone to move so fast knowing they don't have the means to make all of these things happen, at least not for a few years. that with all of the other little things make me not like the guy all that much. I try to be friendly to him for her. I don't know how to handle telling her I think he is taking advantage of her and her family because everyone seems to think he walks on water.

Updates:
we talked and she mentioned he has an anger problem and she has been getting him to go to therepy, and she wants to have couples therepy. I wanted to say, " you have only been dating 6 months and you are having to go to therepy. what are you doing?!" but instead I just said well those problems won't go away so make sure you know what you're getting into, and just think about it before you invest so deeply. she seemed to take that to heart. but seriously am I crazy or is this just another flag?!
So apparently he told her by accident he asked her dad for her hand and has bought a ring but wants to wait for the right time to give it to her. She has dropped out of school now and wants me to go dress shopping with her. Should I tell her to wait for a ring at least?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well I don't know about the guy but all I can suggest is what I would do if I was in your position. As a close friend I'm assuming that you have a relatively close relationship meaning there's some pretty open communication about everything. The only thing that I could think to do is honestly express how you feel about the things that he does and stress that you have her best interest at heart. Try your best to make it sound supportive so she doesn't take it as like an attack you know.

    Sadly, some people need to learn things the hard way. The only thing you can do as her friend is express how you feel, make suggestions or give advice if she's willing to listen and be there for her so if and when this all blows up in her face because she didn't listen, she still has someone and maybe she'll listen to you next time.

    I've had bad experiences and seen too many times the drama in trying to make someone choose and its not worth the stress. If she's set on being with this man, she's going to be with him, you know...

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What Guys Said 8

  • No offense but you seem to being making so many assumptions here that I can barely keep up. Having read the entire portion of text I still don't see what's wrong with the guy aside from the fact that he has a bit of raunchy sense of humor. You seem to be nitpicking a bit too much and trying to find every fault imaginable when it comes to this dude. He's a soldier back from serving his country, and although things might be moving too fast in your eyes, your friend seems to be comfortable with it.

    At the end of the day you need to worry about supporting your friend, and if she's happy with this guy then that's all that matters. You seem to be approaching this from a perspective of "wow, look how much of a trainwreck this guy is" but you have to bear in mind that you're not the one marrying him, and your friend might have a very different idea of what she likes and appreciates in a man compared your own opinion.

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    • I haven't made any assumptions except. Bottom line is he is using her. He lives rent free,she buys everything for the both of them, he uses her families vehicles, and he's getting to have sex with her. He at first seems very polite and gentlemenly. t's little things he does and says that are not quite right. That combined with the situation makes me feel weird. This girl is like my sister and I want to like him the vibes are just there though.

  • I don't think four months is too soon at all to be having sex. I also think it's a little offensive to say that they shouldn't be thinking about getting married just because he is poor.

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    • i don't believe he wants to marry her at all. the whole point of my post was because I think he is using her. he is acting like he wants to marry her right away so he can take advantage of her parents' home and her personal finances.

    • Well you haven't convinced me that he's using her.

  • I think you may have some good points, but if they are into each other most of this other stuff shouldn't matter. That's like saying don't date a guy with out a car or a job because he isn't ready to take you places. Many guys coming back from Iraq have to get settled, chose school or get a job, etc. He is crass, what a surprise from a guy who has been in the military for 10 years! They have socialization issues lots of the time because he has lived in a boys locker room until 28. I have seen very similar relationships with military guys, and he probably has other good qualities you just can't see. She lost her virginity to him, so she will get attached, let her sort it out for herself. You may want to be protective, but look for ways to be supportive. If you are right she will see it in time, and if she is right you will see it. Never know

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    • all the other stuff wouldn't matter, if he wasn't feeding her all of this marriage and having babies stuff. I've always thought when guys tell me that before they know me it was a sham. I am letting things happen and supporting her for what ever comes because I don't want to be that friend that rains on her parade.

  • I think you are on track here and just as soon as he gets tired of f*cking her and taking advantage of her family he will be gone on to ruin another vunerable girl.

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    • i really hope I am wrong because she seems to be on cloud 9. its hard to keep pretending I'm OK with it and act like I actually like him when I'm thinking he's full of crap every time he says anything around me.

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    • He difinantely needs his penis tied down!

    • haha like once you start talking about babies, it makes it easier to forget a condom here and there or to pull out. I'd be so mad if she got herself into that situation but it seems like its inevitable /:

  • I think before they even think about getting married, he should at least get a place of his own(Not a shed with one window). If your affraid he is using her you should tell her how you feel. I mean you are bffs.

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    • i have had the talk with her. said things like just be careful take things slow, I don't want you to get hurt. all she can say is when you know you know...so it is pointless to talk about anymore.

  • If you are looking for affirmation...you certainly have it from me...if she is lucky, he will only use her and NOT marry her.../:

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    • @Update..no I think you are not crazy and that this is another flag...but I honestly do not know what you can do..the harder you push the issue, the more likely you are to drive her away...it sucks../:/:/:

  • I do see some red flags. Not sure why he would want to move so fast as he already needs therapy with her and can't afford to do anything for her. Most guys I know that came out of the army had money for at least a little while. It is difficult to spend all your money while serving so that is also a red flag.

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  • I think you are one of the most presumptuous and judgmental people I've ever come across.

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    • I do not agree, she's looking our for her friend, I would to be concerned.

    • I get along with anybody. This guy though just seems off. I just wanted to know if guys normally act like this because I've never met one that does. My boyfriend and I think the situation is strange. That's about as judgmental as I am about everything.

What Girls Said 3

  • I would be uncomfy with the sexual jokes too. Also, a guy who is not even trying to work is not a good marriage candidate. I would sit down with your friend and tell her exactly how you feel; no need to sugarcoat. Tell her about your gut feelings AND the concrete examples as to why you feel he is a bad boyfriend candidate.

    If she listens, great, but if she doesn't, don't push after that cause it'll only push her toward him. If she stays stubborn, be there for her, listen empathetically, answer honestly, and validate her feelings.

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    • i forgot to put this in the original post but he knows I'm a virgin and me and my boyfriend of over a year don't have sex. she doesn't know I walked in on them having sex. so as far as she knows, she still thinks I think she's a virgin. so why would he be making sexual jokes her if she obviously wants to keep that from me? its all so strange.

    • I hate that he's being a moocher too. No excuse for that whatsoever.

    • RE the update: YES, this is another red flag! I was in a relationship only a few months in and I was so unhappy, thinking "why is it this hard? why is he so difficult and why do I have to try so hard?" I think what you said was perfect (that he won't change, because he won't) without judging her.

  • There's a old saying fools rush in go with your gut feeling

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  • He's using her or at least mooching off her. I've never met a guy (unless he had some serious flaw of some sort) whose been dating a girl for only four months say he wants to settle down already. Bunch of bullsh*t if you ask me. I'd talk to him, find out what his real intentions are. Talk to her as well, be honest about everything, if she still acts like a lovesick puppy, let her get her heart broken. There's no other way she's going to learn, she's going to have to learn the hard way, which sucks, but that's life.

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    • you basically just sum'd up my whole opinion of the situation. I was starting to think I was crazy to think it wasn't the norm. I haven't talked to him about it so maybe that might make me feel better or confirm my suspisions.

    • No you're not crazy, everyone else is just smoking some seriously naive crap, because all the signs are there to me.

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