Hello all, thank you for your time and responses.
I have this big problem and it has really cursed me for a long time. Whenever I don't have feelings for someone of the opposite gender, I am completely calm, funny, charming, spontaneous, etc. But when I do have feelings for someone, I tense up, struggle to make convo, and sometimes (this is the worst) I have difficulty seeing the line between making convo and hovering around them too much. The last thing I want to do is make it look like I'm following them around like a lovesick puppy...
I know this can be a normal thing for a lot of people, but does anyone have ideas on how to fix this? Thank you!
Most Helpful Guy
Yup. It's funny, normally I love butterflies. They're so colorful and small. But the moment they're in your stomach, they get seriously p*ssed off and aren't afraid to f*ck things up.
I think it might be worse these days to some extent, too. It seems like a guy used to come up with flowers and tell a girl she was beautiful, and that was flattering. Now, similar things are considered creepy or predatory. And a new term, "sexualization", has been used to describe finding a girl sexy as being a hate crime.
I'll bet you about 90% of the romantic gestures in "romance novels" and "chick flicks", if done in real life, will land you with a slap on the face, and a women who feels deeply insulted.
So it's really hard to be yourself when you're deeply attracted to a woman, and want to show it before someone else takes her from underneath your nose. It's like "I have to make a move" but at the same time "If I make a move, I have to be asexual about it. I have to act like sex isn't somewhere on my mind, even though it's natural for it to be there." Etc. Etc.
Next thing you know, you seem either avoidant or apologetic, and are thus labeled as a "nice guy".
Also, the hard thing about being yourself around a girl, is you have to face who you are. If you regret certain aspects of yourself, or feel she would be uncomfortable about those aspects, it makes you want to pull up a mask so you can show only the side of yourself that you KNOW she'll approve of.
Try to get used to avoiding this train of thought. Remember:
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."
You're comparing your worst traits to her best ones, so you feel like you're made of flaws and she's made of perfection. You have to acknowledge that she deals with faults just like you, and just like everyone else in the world. By taking her off the pedestal, you actually end up respecting her more.
"...Say you Love me how I am. You love the way I fit some ideal, not the real woman you've yet to understand. See, love ain't all heaven and I am no angel." -Esperanza Spalding link (One of my favorite songs of hers.)
It's hard at first, but you have to let yourself screw up and goof up, and not take yourself too seriously. It's like giving her permission to screw up as well, and puts the two of you at ease.1