Worried about friend's controlling boyfriend?

I'm worried about my friend's boyfriend and the way he treats her. They have been living together for about 2 years now, and during that time he has done the following things that concern me...

- Reads her bank statements.

- Tells her what she can or cannot spend her money on.

- Occasionally shouts/pushes her.

- She has hidden shopping bags before because is scared he will find out she has been shopping.

- Gets annoyed with her if she goes out too much with her friends.

- Decides where they are going on holidays.

- Once confessed he 'may' have kissed another girl (to me) but he was too drunk to remember.

Do you think there is something to worry about? If so, how can I talk to my friend about it without her getting upset and thinking I don't like him?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Do you think there is something to worry about?

    Yes as he's treating her like a child rather than an equal partner, showing signs of being physically abusive, and possibly a cheater.

    It seems like she doesn't have a say in the relationship as he's making the decisions. Such as him telling her what she can/cannot spend her own money on and reading her bank statements to verify as if she's a child and not an equal partner when likely she don't have a say in what he can spend his own money.

    If so, how can I talk to my friend about it without her getting upset and thinking I don't like him?

    Depends on your friend though likely it's best to focus on him:

    - not treating her like an equal partner

    - showing signs of being physically abusive

    - possibly cheating

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What Guys Said 7

  • Yeah that's definitely something to worry about. I'd be curious what he does to her behind closed doors! However, it's her choice to stay with this loser and unfortunately it seems like girls like to stay with possessive guys.

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  • Yea he's a disrepectful a**hole, I don't see how your friends still going out with someone like that, my advice to them, BREAK UP WITH HIM NOW! If someone (other than your parents) doesn't let you go shopping, go out with your friends or be responsible with your money, you end it

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  • The only bad points I see are pushing and not letting to go out with friends and also possible cheating.

    C'mon - giving a woman your credit card is same good as just sayin' good-bye to your money altogether!

    It's just normal he doesn't want to sink into a debt - and today being debt-less is a luxury for the few.

    About holidays it's also OK, women actually expect men to take charge and make decisions... or at least they say so.

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    • The credit card bills were hers though, they have separate accounts.

  • I think you just need to mind your own business. It's not your place to say something. She has to learn for herself.

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  • Yes, this seems like an abusive relationship. I'd advise her to dump the chump...

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  • If you're worried about her, then try talking with her, make sure she knows you're only looking out for her.

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  • My current girlfriend's ex-boyfriend did those things.

    Hey, worked out well for me.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Yes

    If they don't address these issues now, it's going to be "strange" when SHE (because she's being oppressed) TRIES to make a stand.

    I don't think it's wrong for him to read her bank statements unless he's demanding about it and the things regarding it.

    Her money, her overall say unless they've decided to share their money. He can advise her on what he believes is appropriate, if she doesn't and constantly doesn't agree with him, they need to work something out. Keeping this going for years is not healthy. It's going to turn into:

    Physical abuse

    Verbal abuse

    Lies

    Deceit

    Anger

    Overall management issues of responsibilities

    Real lack

    Nothing is ever enough

    Control

    Obsession

    Hate

    No respect

    Depression

    blahblahblah

    What's too much? Does he just have a money control issue or is he really controlling her when it comes to her friends? Is he isolating her or what? What's the real situation here? Is this also related to money spending?

    They should both decide and pick a place they're both content with. Is money an overbearing factor in this as well?

    Ask your friend how she feels. How did you come to these conclusions anyway? When she told you her situation, was it mostly emotionally or factual? What was her overall look on it? When you ask her how she feels more than telling her how you feel, she will be more open to what you say when you speak and she'll most likely listen.

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