Hello fellow GaG's I have hit a cross roads. Please help?

me and my girlfriend have been madly in love with each other for 11 months now. we've had our hiccups here and there but that is to be expected.

Some background:

her family is Portuguese, skirts around points, gossups, and points fingers and makes blame, and bases their hate on small facts.

Mine is white and a very straightforward and to the point family

im and normally a very shy person when it comes to meeting new people, and what she wants is for me to not be so shy and withdrawn, and not so bold in some cases verbally, which I am... kinda weird

ugh where do I begin... well this really came to light when I went with her to her parents cottage. I was nervous and withdrawn of course. which her whole family saw. they were asking why I wasn't speaking. I was helping them move stuff into and out of the cottage when we got there, but I didn't know what to do or where anything goes. so I asked for directions... I guess that was a bad idea. my girlfriend told me that I should have just done stuff. like just dove in. but that's not me at all. plus the initial fear of her parents because they are so strict and mean to her, didn't help.

anyways. tonight I just finished a emotion evoking phone call for me. she wanted to say some things so I let her. she said that I should have just jumped in to help and done stuff. I tried to explain that I couldn't I was very awkward. uhm. she repeated what her parents were saying about me wen they got home like, oh he didn't do much work, oh he doesn't talk much, or oh jaison is weird. which made me feel like crap. my girlfriend tells me that she doesn't like that I don't take the initiative right off the bat to immediately get involved in her family. when she is barely allowed to become a part of mine because of her overbearing parents...

im all over the place here...

really what bothers me is that she is trying to make me change. she said it herself... she wants me to be more like her vision of a perfect boyfriend. she wants me to not be so bold, because her parents always snicker and say bad stuff about other people, she wants me to immediately jump in her family when I barely get the chance ever... it's VERY overwhelming. she wants me to change my personality so I am more like her vision. when allot of the times she tells me that we should be very accepting of each other and who each other is. I hardly pick at her inconsistencies or tell her the vision of my perfect girl. because I am accepting her for who she is! but she is REALLY trying to change me.

I have read all over the place that you can't willingly change someone or ask them to change for you without dire consequences. I have read that people will change if they WANT to change. and forcing them... well is never a good idea...

i don't know if you ladies and gents can decifer what I'm trying to say here. but a good reply would be awesome.

Thank you.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well, changing someone is allright in some cases .. for example I have tried to change my boyfriend's anger .. and it worked , with his will , he became a calmer dude who knows how to control himself .. so I think when you wanna change someone into something better and useful and that person is okay with it , then it will be successful. However, what this girl is trying here is to change your mentality .. not just improve you ..which is a problem. I know it's hard to just leave a person you love, but she is obviously no good for you, not no mention how easily she gets affected and manipulated by her parents , again a bad thing.

    You have got to think well whether you want this girl or not .. whether she is worth all this .. but to me it seems that she doesn't love you too much since you are different than the version she has in her mind.

    Also if you do not get away from her.. but not try to change either , she will come one day and claim that you are not the person she thought you would be and break up with you .. this scenario happens a lot , so its highly expected. You will be crushed and your pride will be on the ground. So its better to end this yourself .. take it or leave it ! Have some confidence, no one can change your mentality, its the way you are and her parents ( who seem to be a bunch of a**holes) are a real pain in the neck .. they should accept people the way they are , I bet they are not perfect either. Anyway good luck .

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What Girls Said 3

  • The thing about people and change is this... a person can change themselves only. AND only if they want to change and make efforts to do so.

    That being said, no other person can change you. And, if they are the right or best person for you, then you won't have to change because they'll accept you for who you are.

    That's the secret to long lasting love relationships; you HAVE to accept the person for who & what they are...warts and all.

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  • It's her ideal of what a household should be like so yes, this is what she wants if you do end up living together, this is her vision for it.

    Can you do this when it's just you and her? Does she expect it from you 24/7 or for certain events/happenings?

    lol you've used the same words as I have and I hadn't even got up to that part yet...

    She seems young, I don't know her age but the way you describe her ideals are that of a young person with biased views, basically someone who is not ready to be in a serious relationship because they don't really understand what it's all about.

    The reason why you keep reading the change thing is because people only realize that after they've stuffed up usually and then younger people quote that yet fall into that trap and don't even realize they're doing it. So yeah, everyone knows about that but to what extent. x]

    Because her mindset is like that it's always going to be complaining.

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  • Hi I am from Brazil. I talk Portuguese too. But talking about your problem... well I can say that you don't wanna change yourself to please anyone... Talk to her about it. Explain (open heart) what is going on, what is your limit of changing... tell her how important she is, but talk honestly about the problem.

    I am sure you guys are finding a way :)

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What Guys Said 0

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