Is it fair for girls to expect guys to fix their insecurities?

So I was talking to a girl, and an interesting conversation came about. I am a tall athletic TONED guy, I don't work out anymore I just run. So she had seen what I looked like without a shirt on before, and I've seen her in a bikini.

So we got on the subject of dating and she said that she liked muscular bigger guys because she doesn't like a guy that is skinnier than her.

I was kinda shocked because I understand that, but rather her get skinnier she expected guys to be bigger. So is this a fair thing for her to have guys change rather than her? Tell me what you think, I'm hoping for some good discussions!

And I never said anything about her weight or that I wouldn't date her, because I would so date her, but its sounds like she wouldn't date me, just looking for some thoughts on the subject, Thanks!

Updates:
To all of you saying you think she doesn't expect me to change, she suggested working out and doing pushups and what not, her words were: you would be a lot hotter if you worked out. And I would so not date this girl because she is so caught up on appearance and she is insecure among other issues lol. But preferences are fine and all but she is suggesting ways to make me bigger, and has said nothing about more for her to lose her tummy.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • you are confusing now, before you said that you would so date her now you say that you won't date her and that her tummy is fat? I guess you have answered your own question lol.. wait what exactly is your question?

    hmm.. "Is it fair for girls to expect guys to fix their insecurities?"

    I wouldn't want my man to make me feel like sh*t, and I would not want him to feel like sh*t either.

    i like to tell my man how much I think he is attractive, that way he knows how I feel about him, when he gets ready in the morning I say " damn you are sexy" when he takes his shirt off I stare at him so hard and he sees it, the lust in my eyes and it makes him smile. My man is definitely not insecure about his appearance and I make sure that he isn't.

    i don't know if this is the response you were looking for but you should be with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, not insecure.

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What Girls Said 9

  • In the end if she tends to go for bigger guys then well that in and of itself isn't a problem, if she expects a guy to bulk up for her then that's a problem. I don't know if she's at a good weight or not but if she's not that fit herself it seems unfair to expect a guy to have to work out to try to be bulkier for her, I mean that's a lot of hard work.

    Honestly it shouldn't matter much, she should look at a guy with a decent personality that's a good match for her mentally and emotionally but I would be completely wrong if I were to say that physical attributes play no role in attraction. What I do think is though that if two people have different lifestyles regarding exercise want to be together that's fine, but if one person who doesn't try to stay in shape but expects that out of their partner then we have a major issue.

    Though it depends on how she feels about her body, if she likes her shape/size then that can't change its kind of instinct for girls to want a guy bigger than her and vice versa. But if she wants someone bigger so she feels less insecure about her size again a problem and she should do something about her own lifestyle choices.

    Anyway its all relative.

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    • She is a college athlete and exercises a lot, but she just is a curvy girl, I find her attractive and everything. But she just made it sound like a guy has to be muscular because she likes it when a guy is bigger than her. I mean I am 6'5 so she has to be meaning weight. I'm just a lean toned athletic guy with a high metabolism lol.

    • Well I guess you can only directly ask her for sure. I don't think you should have to change yourself to try to be with a girl, I mean if you don't want to bulk up don't bulk up. There are plenty of girls out there. But if you don't mind the bulking up for her then I guess go ahead. Do whatever you feel is right. Good luck ^_^

  • From what you wrote here, it doesn't sound like she was asking anyone to change, she was only stating the type of guys she was attracted to.

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  • Well I mean, the same could be said of a guy saying he doesn't want to date a girl who is bigger than him. Instead of her getting thinner, he could just get bigger right? But you rarely see any guy saying that.

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    • True, but I'm saying either you like someone or you dont, you shouldn't say things like "well if you were bigger then me Id be happier" or "if you were smaller than me id be happier" you should just say you aren't my type.

    • I suppose that's true, but in your post she did not reject anyone and give a reason. You were merely discussing preferences and she gave you hers. You took offense because you're a skinnier guy and I'm assuming you were interested in her? I don't think this is about women's insecurities in general as much as it was a miscommunication and hurt feelings on your part.

  • She was just explaining what kind of guys she liked. Most girls like guys who are bigger than them, like guys probably like girls who are smaller than them. She's not asking a guy to change and asking for a skinny guy to start bulking up, she's going for guys who are muscular and bigger. She shouldn't have to get skinnier to go for thin toned guys when she can just date muscular bigger guys. That doesn't mean that she wouldn't date you, that's just her general type. you never know

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  • i think it is totally fair, she is not trying to change you or make you feel bad, everyone has preference, she is fine with the way she is so she wants someone who fits her.

    And if body type is her way of deciding if a guy is worth dating then she probably needs a guy who is as superficial as her and decides her worth based on her body too.

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  • No that isn't fair. She should like you for you and not want to change you in any way. That is very rude of her.

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  • i don't think she expects anyone to change for her...she was just explaining her preference, if anything it seems very reasonable that she would want someone who is more her match in size instead of expecting, say, a really lean guy when she's a bit bigger herself.

    how many guys on here expect nothing less than a really skinny pretty girl even when they themselves admit they're overweight and/or not much to look at? THAT is unreasonable.

    besides, a preference is just a preference, it doesn't mean she will never fall in love with you

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  • i don't think she expects guys to change for her, she was just explaining what type of guys she is generally into. if a guy is skinny than he just isn't her type.

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  • Well I look at it like this:

    Feminity and masculinity are represented differently amongst the genders; a woman doesn't need super tone muscle or piles of bulkyness to be attractive;

    Now if she's a curvacious woman with meat in all the right places, takes genuine good care of herself, isn't just shoveling junk food in and lazing about, then I would say she is the equivalent feminine of the masculine in shape / toned bulkier / bigger guy.

    That's how I feel - I keep myself in good shape, eat right, and what not, so I can attract the same equivalence in men which is what I'm attracted to - something along the lines of lean athletic to medium athletic ( not roid rage athletic lol,) basketball player build.

    However, I don't think she's expecting a guy to change for her, more than expressing her personal taste in men. Had she went on a rant about him being super fit and what not, while she's fat and lazy - then okay, but if she's pretty well in shape, fairly attractive and actually is a catch for men in the range she likes...then she's not asking a guy to change at all or fufill some insecurity for her.

    Now if you mean women who are waiting for a guy to come along and feed them confidence so they can feel better about themselves, that's relying on a guy to fix her insecurities.

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    • I agree they are represented differently, but does that mean the standard has to be for masculinity to mean a bigger muscular guy? and femininity to mean a petite thin girl? I'm 6'5 and a lean toned athletic guy with a high metabolism lol, and she is a college athlete so she is athletic and in shape she is just a bit curvy.

    • Um yes the standard is as you just stated - men who are built well in muscle, and women who are thinner yet with curves. It develops according to the society we live in, and this is the society we live in. Plus you sound plenty masculine to me, your not going to be absolutely sexy to every girl but no one is to the opposite gender anyway

    • @update

      we can't all abide by the standards of another. perhaps she thinks she is a

      in attractive shape as a woman and sees no need for improvement on her part?

What Guys Said 3

  • That's not an insecurity. An insecurity is something that someone doesn't feel particularly confident about.

    Now, in this conversation, she is just stating her preference. If she were to meet a guy who was everything else she wanted, but still skinny, then yes, I would say that's unfair. Some guys like being skinny.

    On the other hand, if his being skinny was having legitimate negative effects on his health, then I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to tell him he needs to eat more, go to the gym, and have some protein. Not even that, though. If he was skinny, but wanted to bulk up, then I think she would be okay there as well. But again, if she wanted thim to bulk up just because she wanted him to bulk up, then she would be wrong.

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  • no she is just really insecured.

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  • yeah it's like girls expect guys to be like their daddy

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