I am just struggling with how aggressive I should be. I don't want to screw up.

So a little over a year ago I had a few dates with a girl that I had known from college. We only went to school for 2 years & shared some mutual friends but were not close. We hit it off immediately. It was the most fluid experience I've ever had with a girl. Problem was that she was moving 1000 miles away in 3 weeks from our first date.We only were able to hangout a handful of times before her move. Each time was great. She moved & she kept in touch with me. I wasn't sure why but I liked this girl so I was OK keeping in touch. We talked a lot weekly via texts some calls and emails. We also sent handwritten letters a few times to one another. But we were not dating, we were essentially pen pals at this point. Eventually I went to visit her a few months after her move. I was taking a risk because none of our feelings for one another were ever discussed. I didn't know what to expect. I got down there & it was great. We clicked again & pretty much acted like a couple for the 4 days I was there. The only time it drew a negative was when I asked her what we were doing. She expressed her disinterest in a long distance relationship. She had been in one before & was cheated on, so I understood her hesitation. Not to mention the common pains with a LDR. It bummed me out but she was honest with me.

Well over the next several months there were a lot of ups & downs. There were two stints where we stopped communicating. It was hard to try to keep things going for both of us. I didn't put my life on hold & neither did she. We both dated other people which obviously conflicted with our relationship.

The last time she was home was for her birthday a few months ago. She asked me to meet up with her for drinks. We went out, met some of her old friends & it was very casual. I didn't know if I should be making moves or what. When I took her home I decided "f*ck it" & went in for a kiss. We kissed for a while & it was great but then she stopped & brought up what we were doing. This resulted in a long talk about whether it was healthy for us to keep doing this to ourselves. I didn't want to let her go but I knew that it wasn't healthy for us to stay in touch due to the feelings I had for her. So 3 months go by with no communication. Then she emails me out of the blue. Just a link to a website she said I should check out. I thought maybe this was an ice breaker. So I replied & in it I asked how she was. This lead to her telling me things weren't going well. I just told her I was sorry & things would turn around for her. That was it. I didn't wan' to indulge her since I had been her crying shoulder before but if I'm not dating her I don't want to be put in that position. She said thanks & asked me how I was.

3 days later she sends a text saying "I'm moving home"

She'll be home in 2 weeks.

I'm terrified. She has been contacting me a lot this past week & we sort of have a date lined up. I am just struggling with how aggressive I should be. I don't want to screw up.

  • Should I be very aggressive and persistent when she comes home?
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  • Should I be low key and wait for her to reach out to me?
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  • Should I be contacting her a lot leading up to her return?
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  • Should I keep contact light until she's actual able to meet up?
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Updates:
So she moved home 2 days ago. She texted me then and yesterday during the day in which she mentioned a movie she wanted to see. I said "let's see it" and we set up a date. So we went to the movie, I bought tickets, she bought drinks and enjoyed the flick. After the movie we went to a bar to have a beer and talk. It was nice. So the night ends with her dropping me off at my place. After lingering in conversation I move in for a kiss but she turned her cheek. I just smiled but I felt bad aferwards
This is the first time we've been in person and not kissed lip to lip. So I may have rushed things but I wanted her to know I like her. Now I feel like an ass. Before I tried the kiss I had asked her if she wanted to go out this Friday and she seemed down to go, so now I don't know if I jacked that up. Maybe I'm over thinking it but her turning her head caught me off guard. Does that mean I'm screwed?
I called her tonight and got no answer or call back. I'm pretty upset about it all now. I don't understand how this girl who I've been romantic with in the past and def knew I liked her would agree to go out with me and make sure to contact me a lot before she moved home to now be freaked out about me wanting to kiss her. Especially after she agreed to meet this coming Friday. So I called tonight to confirm, and to feel things out but got no answer. Does her behavior make any sense?

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What Guys Said 2

  • D - keep contact light.

    I'm glad she's moving home. Hopefully things work out. From the sounds of it she really likes you. But I can't say too much with the limited information I have. But this does seem like the opportunity to actually have something serious, now that there's no distance problem.

    Don't be too agressive about it, but don't seem too uninterested either. Get that nice balance. If you're too agressive then it'll be too much and there won't be that sort of element of uncertainty for her to wonder "could this actually work out... I want it to... it seems like he'd be fine if it didn't but he'd also like it to... I'll put effort into this so that it could work out", you know lol? It's hard to explain but yeah. And if you don't show enough interest then she'll think you're not interested and she'll just be disappointed and back off. Obviously all girls are different but I have a feeling most girls are like this.

    Good luck dude. Hope things go well.

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    • I guess the complication in me knowing her feelings is that this whole time the distance didn't allow us to have a real relationship, so it provided the excuse. Things couldn't happen because we weren't near each other but we still seemed to like to keep in touch. I hope that since she has let me know she's coming back & I assume knows I have feelings for her she has some of those same feelings. It always seemed the distance is why nothing could happen but I don't know if that was just her excus

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    • I called after I got off work and left a message saying "just wanted to talk about Friday" which is when we had discussed going out again before I went for the kiss. She may be pumping the brakes but shouldn't she have known it was going this route when she agreed to go out. She knows I like her and she has been reaching out to me leading up to all this. Its hard to be patient. I just want to have some clarity.

    • Yeah that is weird, but just wait it out. Give her a day or two. If she doesn't respond, just move on. Sucks but that's life. :/

  • Keep contact regular but light until you can meet.

    Once she's there, meet her as soon as you can, express your happiness at finally being with her for real. Then you ask her out and try to get her into a relationship.

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