I don't know what it is but I always feel so powerless, or like I have to please the guy. Luckily I've kept myself away from situations, but being in college, I find myself getting into these scenarios. I didn't like the first guy, but I ended up kissing him because I didn't want to be rude and shove him away. I pretended to choke or something so I could get out of the kiss, then weedled my way away until he left. Next guy, pulled me over and planted one, then he started getting touchy and I tried to get away, but he was 6 foot 5 and kind of walled over me. I felt so very uncomfortable, but I let him touch me down there and just waited for him to stop. I ended up breaking down in the third guys apartment, completely in tears because I felt so dirty when he tried actual sex with me. Final guy who I am currently sort of with, actually doesn't make me feel so uncomfortable, but I end up wanting to be alone and away from men altogether. Even when he's holding me warmly as we sleep, I feel like I'm no use to him but what I can do with my body. Once again, there was no date, or sweet lingering kiss. Ended up running away from him and feeling like sh*t. I told him I can't handle this feeling of disgrace and being trapped by guys.
He was cool with it, and I figured he would just move on to another girl, but we ended up kissing again. This time I actually initated it because we had gotten closer being friendly. Now I feel the same...a little worse. My heart feels nothing and I know he feels nothing for me as well. I can't open myself up to him, only sexually, and I thought it would be right this time. It won't ever be. I feel disgusting and I'm not worthwhile at all to any guys. Never pretty enough, or warm enough, or supportive enough. I feel numb and heartless when I'm suppose to be falling for guys or at least being infatuated. They're attractive to me no doubt, but I can't find their heart. They're the same. All the same. Talk a sweet game as if they're any different, but it's rarely true. I always see that lust that makes me worthy for the moment, the same indifference for me as the man who molested me years ago.
But I can't scream, I can't beg, I can't fight or cry. It's usually over after a while. And that's all I look forward to. Then I can run away and bleed in silence. So they'll never see how much they really hurt me.
Most Helpful Girl
have you tried seeking professional help? because otherwise you will end up hating men all together and that's not how it should be.. there are really nice men around too, who are supportive, caring and loving! its really unfortunate that you experienced such an incident but don't let it get to you.. stop feeling disgusted of your self! your a lot more stronger than that I'm sure.. Right now you seem in that state that its better if you don't date for sometime, take some time out for your self! do some soul searching, hangout with friends and just enjoy life as a whole and stop thinking about men for a while.. don't let the past ruin your present or your future! you are young and you have a lot of things to look forward to in life!2