I met a guy about a year ago, I've been seeing him the whole time since and I might say that I'm falling for him but there's a part of me that doesn't want to be in a relationship with him (I got issues). I want to stop seeing him because what we have is not healthy...it's stressing, it's emotionally hurting both of us, and everything is so uncertain.
He's asked me back in the beginning to be his girlfriend a couple of times. He's given up now, but we still date. I didn't agree to be his girlfriend because 1) he's 4 years older than me, 2) I feel it's unfair for me to be in a relationship if I'm not going to put time into it (I'm a college student), 3) he was taking it a bit fast (he's slowed down more).
I know I have feelings for him...plus I am extremely attracted to him. I love the way he is with me, how he brings out the positiveness out of me, makes me feel so safe, and when I'm with him it feels 'right'. But I'm in college, I need to focus in my education and most importantly enjoy the different experiences of college. I've never had a boyfriend before (I'm 20) not because I haven't had the chance but because I don't want to (again issues...).
We've talked, I know he loves me, but I told him about what's going on. He gave me two choices, 1) keep what we have (we go on dates, chat, be there for each other) with hopes of someday having a relationship or 2) we stop whatever we have, with no communication.
I don't want to do one because it's not fair for us to be in this middle stage...because in truth neither of us will see anyone. And what if one of us goes a separate way (starts dating another person)...we will blame one or the other. I also don't like the uncertainty.
I don't want to do 2 because he's important to me, I don't want anyone to leave my life or for me to walk away.
I don't know what to do. I feel locked in place, like I don't have any freedom, no choice is good. I also want to experience things, and it scares me that he might be "the one".
I want a break maybe, but he won't give me that, it's either what we have or we go separate ways. I've hurt him too much, which is why he gave two definitive choices.
What do you think of this? What are your thoughts? I really don't know what to do.
Sorry for the long message, I appreciate your responses.
Most Helpful Guy
From your question, I got a sense of trapped emotions and helplessness. No healthy relationship should ever produce those feelings. HIs ultimatum is actually reasonable, since its not a bad thing to be definitive about what you want or where you want to go.
While moving on may give you the opportunity to enter into a new relationship, it could just as well end up being a repeat of the last one. Therefore it is best to enlist the assistance of someone who is wise and unbaised, like a computer :) I heard okcupid was pretty accurate? Never tried it myself.
A lot of people get mad at me when I tell them there is no such thing as "the one" (especially young people). There may be someone who will give you the best results for the current condition you are in and the direction of your life plan -- sure -- but the concept of "the one" is actually fairly recent, mostly a product of 1800's and beyond. Without any facts, I might speculate it is a leftover artifact of the Victorian era, maybe?
All relationships are the result of the generated effort between two people. It's like the terminator movie: "There is no fate but what we make" :)