Terrible social anxiety and dating? Almost anti-social

It's so emotionally painful. The thought of going out with friends to a place frightens me. So just I spend most nights in or hanging out with my brother.

The thing is, I have a lot of friends and they invite me out a lot but I say "No, thank you" and stay in. In part, it's because I work full time, starting at 6 each day (my only days off are Tuesday, Wednesday) and they usually party until, well all night actually.

I'm quite social at work. At work I am the opposite.

Anyway, here it is: I've wanted a girlfriend for a really long time and for the first time ever, I think I am ready and mature enough to have one. I yearn to have a special someone, but how can I when I lead such an anti-social life?

OH I FORGOT TO MENTION: The Problem is that I meet lots of girls at work I would be interested in dating, and I socialize with them at work. But given what I already wrote, I don't see how it could happen until I change.
All my friends have girlfriends and whenever I ask my buddies to hang out they've got other plans. So I do try to go out, but even when I want to - I don't have someone to hang out with.

I haven't made a close friend since moving to a new city almost 2 years ago.


Most Helpful Girl

  • you are just comfortable with your used to... work is predictable, get there at this time, leave at this time, do this job, work with the same people... when you go out with friends the only goal is to have a good time and you sort to have to put in more work to make things exciting and fun... once you go out more it will feel more natural, you will get used to meeting new people and showing your true personality rather than just being "Hi, I'm bob I'll be your waiter tonight" or whatever your name and job is, you get the picture right? I think its really common (for guys especially) to make their work their identity, which isn't horrible, you are embracing something where you are being productive and making money for yourself, but it makes you a much more interesting person to be able to be successful in relationships, friendships, hobbies... don't let your work consume you... it is just a job... I don't know if this relates to you though, but just something I wanted to add, it may or may not help.. some of the closest guys to me in my life are like this:/


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What Girls Said 3

  • I used to have such bad social anxiety just like this, struggled with it for years before I started on Paxil because I didn't think meds could really make a difference. I've been on it six years now, no problems, no anxiety. Seriously, it used to be that any kind of hanging out situation would have me nauseous, sweaty and light headed three feet out my front door and now I feel no stress at all.

  • I'm terrible at socializing ANYWHERE both at work and even worse at clubs.

    So if you can socialize at work how is that any different compared to being at a club?

  • I used to be, and sometimes am still, exactly like this! If my sister is in town I pretty much stop hanging out with people because its less stressful to just hang with her.You say its painful, so I'm assuming you want to change? I've been in the exact spot as you and I can tell you its WORTH IT to change! I can't believe the difference in my life. I went from never speaking to people at all! To making small talk and leaving early, to making friends, to eventually hanging with them and going to parties (thatd I'd leave early or hide in the bathroom), then to staying but being very scared. And now I'm only nervous and its painful for one on one. But that's lessening too! Everything is so much better and I ended up getting a fantastic boyfriend! You need to learn to be comfortable a bit more around people before trying for a girlfriend otherwise it'll be hard for her if she is the only one you hang out with.


What Guys Said 2

  • obviously, this is going to hurt you more since you are a guy, for obvious reasons

  • Ask one of the ladies you work with out for drinks after work; also do your own approaching of women outside of work and without your friends hanging around. PRACTICE EASES ANXIETY (but results are not guranteed).