Why would someone do this?

you dated someone for two years they are your first but they are controlling what you do and make you depress and un happy.

you date another girl who you are very happy with and like but leave her for the ex that made you depressed.

whats the point?

I found out she was cutting herself at his house so he could see when they weren't together


Most Helpful Guy

  • in psychology there is some saying that goes like "pathology calls for pathology", rarely does a controlling personality gets in a relationship with someone that does not have the pathology that complements her, if he was for 2 years with a controlling girl then is almost obvious he liked being controlled, perhaps "like" is not the right word, think of it as drugs, you know is not right but you are hooked, you can't let go that easy, it may have taken all his will power to quit but, like many addicts, temptation is strong and can fall back, and it gets worse in this situation since, if he was the controlling one it would be easier, not a lot, but easier, since he would be the one in power of the duo, then it would be easier for him to remain strong, but in this dinamic he is the weak one, and the vulnerable, and she knows how to manage him, how to get the best of him, she is the strong one right?

    also, more simplw, they were together 2 years, it is bound to leave a mark on him, any relationship that long would, and also, is like the story of the man who lives years on a cave, and when he is finally free he is afraid of the outer world, being captive may be depressing, but is easy, at least easier than taking your own choices and looking out for yourself, responsability is the price to pay for freedom, and as Erich Fromm said in his book Scape From Freedom, we humans have that fear deeply root, we want freedom, but are scare of taking responsability, is easier to be the response instead of the stimuli.

    one of my best friends is sadly on the same situation, he has a lot going for him, and lots of friends and even girl who love him, he has his way with the ladies, but keeps going back to the one who treats him like a pet (and not a particularly loved one), is truly sad and it makes me sad, do not know how to help him, talking does not work, but, if it helps you, 2 things I've learned from him:

    1) being there for him either for love or pity does not help, my friend would come back hurt every month, 2 or 3 ladies will be like "poor thing, come to me, I'll love you right" only to be used for him to heal, and once healed he goes back to her and turns his back to much better ladies and all his friends who supported him when he cried, in the long run, is better to not be the one to say "is OK, I support you", seems to me that he has matured more when he was hurt and there was nobody to pick him up, since he had to man up and reevaluate his life, now we all let him fight his battles, and seems to be improving,

    2) as sad as it is, just like with drugs, you don't want to get caught up in that drama, you may love him, but you don't deserve the chaos, it hust deeply, but there comes the time to say "I love you, but won't be part of this, I'll keep loving you, but you need to put your life together, I'm with you for many things, to support you, but THIS is not one of those things", again it will be better for all people involved even if it hurts

    • i know but I think she guilted him back in cause she went to his hosue and actually started cutting herself so he could see

    • guilted, charmed, not a lot of difference, their relationship was sick from the start so decieving or manipulating to get him back is not extraordinary, it happens with my friend too, the girl faked pregnancy 3 times already, also faked an accident twice, again, the boy is sick, sure the lies and the manipulation would give him a good way out, to try to justify their behavior, but, se is not forcing him, he wats to be there, he was just waitingf for a reason to, really, stay away from that drama


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What Guys Said 3

  • Sometimes the Chaos creates a dynamic pattern that doesn't seem fun but is not boring. Also you mentioned that it is the first, there is a much deeper connection with the first. So it doesn't make any sense but the heart wants what it wants. Also your story is a little confusing, if his ex cut herself in his house, he could have been genuinely worried for how messed up she got by the break up, in which case he wouldn't do it because he wants to but to make sure she doesn't hurt herself any more.

  • It's because you've grown attachment for that ex, and missed the fun times you had with each other. Relationships bring two people closer, more than any dating couples do.

  • clearly they still have extremely deep feelings for the ex and are willing to overlook problems in that relationship. Maybe after two years both parties have matured and believe they can make things work again. If this has happened and you are the third party, this is not personal but still very hurtful to you. Love is cruel sometimes. I hope you find another man who loves you and can appreciate your kindness and compassion.


What Girls Said 2

  • Often it's the case with these unhealthy relationship dynamics that both parties are getting something out of it, even if that isn't always obviously the case. (For example, some people need to be needed, hence subconsciously seek a needy or controlling partner.) They are extremely co-dependent relationships and in so much as the boundaries are blurred, each individual can become psychologically dependent on it. People can even become addicted to the constant heightened emotional states, and in retrospect develop a selective blindness to the problems in the relationship - hence they keep returning in the hope it'll go back to the good times. Obviously this is not LOVE, since in such a dynamic one or both parties are too emotionally immature to possess that capacity - rather it's just intensity and power play masquerading as love.

    It probably is true that she emotionally manipulated him, but remember that it is completely under his control how he chooses to respond. He has made his choice.

    I would say that you've probably had a lucky escape from cleaning up a lot of emotional fallout from his past choices. Move on and find yourself a guy with a good sense of personal boundaries. Good luck =)

    • she is his first girlfriend and he actually told me he is confused and doesn't know who is right for him

    • I honestly think the best thing you can do in that case is just walk away. Guys are generally not as confused as they make out, they're often just less skilled at dealing with inter-personal situations so often put off stating their choices. I know it's hard, but for your own sanity you need to leave him be and focus on your own happiness. If he is really serious about you, believe me, he will cut ties with this other girl and he will come back around. You don't want a confused boyfriend.

  • Some people can't let go of the past.

    • He never got over her, feels responsible for her, still has control issues, who knows? Better to move along and find someone without all of that stuff. Just don't you be the one who can't let go.