Is it normal for a guy you are dating to talk about the future on the 1st and 2nd date?

The guy I'm dating has asked me serious questions that I think are kind of weird to ask on the first and/or second date. i.e. Do I want kids, do I have to have a career, and would I move. I guess I may just be used to jerks, but I find it a little off putting. What is you guys opinion?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Part of the process of dating is figuring out what a person is like, whether your personalities are compatible, whether you can hold good conversations, and the like.

    Jumping to deal breaker questions ruins the fun and spontaneity of the first several dates. Sure, if you're a woman pushing 40 who desperately wants kids, that's something you might want to touch upon fairly early on in the relationship. But asking pointed questions right off the bat isn't my idea of having an awesome time. It feels like a test in school, or a job interview.

    It's hard to say whether that's "normal" or not. I wouldn't do it because dates are about sharing incredible experiences together, not interrogating each other. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you to answer those important questions, and I feel that by having to get all serious on the first couple of dates, you're intentionally robbing yourself of that happy-go-luckiness and magic stardust that you find in movies all the time (see 50 First Dates).

    Just because you're serious about finding a match doesn't mean you can't spend a few days or evenings accepting a person for who they are. It's like the process is reversed: first I'll figure out if we're a lifestyle match, and then I'll give her the chance to impress me with her charm and personality.

    Some of the best relationships are those where people with different values find common ground and love the f*ck out of each other so much that they end up healthily compromising on the rest.

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What Guys Said 8

  • He doesn't want to waste his time. For instance if he really wants to have kids, and you don't, then why continue? In my opinion its good because he knows what he wants, he is not going to waste his time, or yours.

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    • But it doesn't send a great message from the jump. As much as it sucks to play games and it's childish, but you can't show your whole hand from day one. It makes you seem almost too eager to be in a relationship. Which in turn makes her think that you haven't been in one for a while, which leads her to ask why that is the case. Which in turn makes her think that there must be something wrong with you. Smh. Women have been known to really be into guys who keep them guessing to an extent.

    • Wow... That's over analysing a bit.. I would think of it as.. He is looking for a long term relationship.. To settle down because he is an adult.. And he is done with childish games.. He has been on a few dates in the past 3 months and he didn't like any of them.. So he is going through the deal breakers to see if he wants to continue to put effort into you.

    • you can still be looking for a long term relationship but without rushing it. I tell my dates that I do want something longterm but I do not want to rush, I want to feel like I really really know my guy before I agree to a relationship because I take relationships very seriously. I am currently dating a guy who also wants something longterm and he agreed to move slow with me so we are seeing where it will go.

  • It is good to lead off with deal breaker questions. Why invest in something if you know it's not what you truly want? Mad props to him because I'd do the same. Actually, I would have probably asked those questions prior to even the 1st date.

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  • It would depend on the context. If the conversation was headed in that direction then not really. Secondly, if you're looking for a relationship and not a fling, its very good that he's talking about y'all's future because that means you're not just a booty call.

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  • if you find his question off putting you're probably not looking for the same thing he his. I'd find those questions weird but I understand that to be because I am in a phase in my life where what I want in life is kinda blurry and I'm still finding myself.

    let me ask you, do you want kids, have to have a career or would move, now or in the near future? I'd guess you don't or have not thought about it enough as of now, and so, you seem not to be looking for the same thing. there's nothing wrong about it, or weird, you're probably just different or looking for different stuff in live right now.

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  • I’d never do that. But then again, I almost never talk about the future lol. I’m just trying to get through today .

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  • He is seeing you as his future wife, which means that he is seeing you as his wife. I think it is very clear and simple. He wants you!

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  • Yeah, it's a little too much, too soon.

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  • I would run the other way - fast

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What Girls Said 6

  • I think this guy is just trying to get a feel for what you are looking for. Sounds like he is pretty serious about finding someone who he can see a future with. I don't think it's weird at all. If anything, it's a really good sign if you are looking for a serious, long-term relationship or even marriage.

    Seems like a smart thing to do. Why waste time on people who ultimately have different goals!

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  • i think it is a good idea. that is how you know the guy is looking for something long term and not a fling. You can still date the guy and see where it goes, make it fun, but you should always be straight up and honest with your date. Always discuss your intentions upfront that way you can make sure you two are on the same track. Discuss it casually that way it can still be fun and not pressuring.

    when I am getting to know a guy I make sure I say this, "if a guy wants something longterm with me, then he has to be aware that I want to get married someday and have kids, also he has to be able to accept that I like animals and plan on getting another dog someday". I'm not gonna date a guy for 8 years just to find out that he doesn't even want to get married or have kids and that he doesn't approve of my love for dogs. I would feel like I wasted 8 years of my life with the wrong guy and wished that I knew upfront so that I could meet someone who is accepting of me.

    i have dated a guy who casually mentioned that he hates kids, lol I already knew how to categorize him when he said that and I knew not to get my feelings involved with him. he was still a nice fun guy but he was definitely not someone I could see myself with in the longterm.

    i am currently dating a guy who asked me my opinions on marriage and kids. I think he might be long term material so I am definitely gonna continue to see him more.

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  • It's weird for some and not for others. Some people (me included) date with the sole purpose of finding the person they want to marry. That means that those people are going to ask the big deal breaker questions early so they don't waste time. It's a little unconventional but it's also effective.

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  • Knowing up front about children saves you from wasting your time with someone with an opposite view. Careers are a good topic ("oh, you're pursuing this? Cool, tell me more about it"). Moving? Okay, a bit too much. If you feel smothered, you likely are being smothered. Listen to your gut and leave if you want, even if the guy makes you feel guilty, looks pathetic, etc...

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  • i will get freaked out because 1st and 2nd date are too early to talk about future...it make me think he is despo

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    • I agree with your opinion.

      No idea why you were downvoted though

    • @Tigurinn2 I am not bothered about the ratings :) I am speaking the truth that's all. also, some people sometimes are happy to downvote others for no reason

  • Well, I think he probably knows what he wants and doesn't want to waste time in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same things as him. I don't know if its normal or not, but it could be a very smart way of weeding out incompatible people quickly.

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