Feeling Neutral After finding my very first date with 21 years of effort?

Im a 35 year old aussie male virgin, that on March 11 2013, had my very first date ever (second date by social standards). Before hand I had 159 rejections since 1992. I didn't find all meetings (First date by social standards), probably 90% of them good, to be attractive.

With 6 mental illnesses that hold me back, my heart dearly made a strong effort to find my first girlfriend since I was 14 in 1992. Now that day of shock and awe had happened, there was a fair amount of jelousy going on from immediate family. I can understand that. With a serious streak of gargantuan luck, I made it to Date IV which crashed very quickly due to neediness and lack of emotional development for a man of my age.

I suffer from schizophrenia, asperges, ADHD, depression, psychosis and BPD. Coupled with a lack of life experience and a complete lack of education and IQ (along with the affected EQ), that is the fundamental reason why I have struggled. I have a great and caring heart (or at least that is what I think until proven otherwise) and am skinny and reasonably good looking. Not that well spoken, and suffer significant written and speech communication issues. Otherwise I can get by. I work full time with my own place, but I don't drive. that's pretty much the background. Nothing special, but not the worst presumably. I have tried 5 times with escorts, but could not make it past taking of my shirt due to moral limitations of not being able to earn love. Paying for it is simply a no go and I have paid the price of those failed attempts. Love is earned, not bought ;)

So my questions are:

1. Why did I feel so neutral, as if I never suffered extreme emotional pain of loneliness for technically 35 years during dates I to IV, only to be hit full force after Romance failure?

2. What other reasons could have caused me to be so fearful of sex and love making even though I am attracted to women emotionally and sexually?

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About her:

* Was American (best in the world for me - sorry if I have offended any aussies) of 25 years of age.

* Was never sweet or caring, nor did she say anything positive or negative, but liked my affection

* Was told she was only looking to hang out with a bit of kiss and touch (which she never did)

* Was fun and cool as Americans go, and had an awesome sweet accent :)

* Was the first person to give me a chance past the first meeting - an astounding success by any measure when compared with the previous 159.

* She made the 160th rejection, but with a small cache of information to get me ahead.

Background about my hyper-lucky dates:

I erased her from my heart after that, as if she never existed. Even though I was "close" to losing my virginity for the first time ever, I feel this was my first and last time in my life that this will happen.

From Date 0 to Date IV, I have compiled some experience information.

* I can appreciate now I can never be loved. And that is totally understandable. I was lucky for a creature such as myself to be

Updates:
I do have strong feelings for msot women I'm attracted to for a long term relationship, since I have had 99.9% rejection to the point before intimacy, I was never able to deploy my emotions; I was never given a chance like most others - not sure if my neutrality is due to this complete lack of expectation (managing the expectation)?
I do have the ability to "delete" any past meetings that all which have failed - it is too painful to hold on to those memories which led nowhere, hence my ability to wipe the experience in order to protect myself from falling further.

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What Girls Said 2

  • My brother has aspergers I've studied BPD and schizophrenia, have depression and borderline psychosis when anxiety gets out of control. first question are you medicated? if yes what medications? if no for god sake go to a dr! Two, you to evaluate who you are trying to get relationships with and whether or not they are of equal appearance and equally if not more important in this case, but someone who is socially awkward and insecure because then you can share something with one another and then it turns your illnesses into positives because the aspects of the certain illnesses you have are understanding of unsureness and if you meet a girl that's unsure of herself there is no better way to bring up her confidence than someone who has a low one himself convincing her to keep strong. P.s It's OK to be neutral but you may have a girl mistake that for you being uninterested so try and show emotion or enthusiam when talking to a girl you like/want to get to know better.

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  • 6 mental illnesses? oh hell... lol maybe those are the reason you had no emotional attachment. and was able to forget her so fast.

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