Should I tell his wife?

Two years ago I was dating this guy for about 4 months. Everything was going great, or so I thought. One morning I was on my way to work when he called me, only it wasn't him, it was his wife, that I had NO idea he had. I felt so awful about it, but she was surprisingly nice to me and understood that I didn't know he was married. I willingly told her anything she asked. He and I never spoke again. Well, now its 2 years later and he emailed me. Told me he is now divorced and has been thinking about me. We exchanged numerous emails and texts over the last few days. He wanted to see me, but given his history of lying I was too hesitant and said I would need more time. I did a quick online search and found out that not only is he still married but his wife is having their second baby in a few months. I emailed him saying I knew that and to please leave me alone. But this girl seemed so nice when I spoke to her and think she deserves to know. Should I tell her or stay away and mind my own business?

Updates:
I guess my dilemma is that if she decided to stay with him after the last time, maybe it doesn't matter to her. If it were me I would want to know. He clearly didn't learn from his mistakes. She found out back then cause I had texted him, he was in the shower, and she saw it. If he found someone that was OK with him being married he would have less risk of his wife finding out.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • To me, it would depend on rather or not you agreed to inform her of any future offense during your conversation you had with her. If so, then I'd keep my word... If not, I would tell this guy if he contacts you again, that one more time, you will inform his wife.

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    • I did not make that promise to her. I didn't outright say to him that I would tell her, but the last email I sent him made it very clear that I knew her name and how to contact her, so I'm sure he's sweating that out right now

    • Thanks for the Best Answer :)

      Let him sweat away! :)

      If he contacts you again, the stupidity alone is enough to turn your stomach...

What Guys Said 24

  • Are you the kind of person who'd enter a dump area and rummage in trash if you assumed (not knew) there was something valuable in it? If yes then go on and tell her, if not then walk away.

    1. They are having a 2nd child - good enough reason for you not rocking the boat even with a fact

    2. She was nice to you - so she may have caught on to you and maybe others the same way. Clearly this guy doesn't or is not good at covering his tracks

    3. They may have some kind of an open relationship (maybe not too)

    4. Cause she was cool to you doesn't mean that she's gonna be cool back home

    5. If she's having a 2nd child with him after 2 years of having spoken to you, then there's more than what meets the eye out there and I'm sure you don't want to find that out

    6. If burning your fingers once isn't enough then please enter the fire ;) - I assume since you quit on that guy after you realized ;)

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    • 1 - false. All the more reason its important she has the truth. 2 & 3 - then telling wouldn't be rocking any boat. 4 - what's your point? 5 - this isn't about QA finding stuff out, it's about the wife finding stuff out. 6 - again, what does this have to do with telling the wife?

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    • I completely agree with number one and 4. Spot on!

    • Thank you Deft maiden :)

  • That's a tough call, with the baby on the way.

    No, wait. It's an easy call. Imagine that poor kid going through a divorce in a few years when his or her dad gets found out again. I didn't cheat, however, it was still hell on my boy when his mother and I got divorced.

    It would be better to tell her nothing has happened but he's up to his old tricks. If she has some way of dealing with it and will stay with him, at least she can stop him from acting out again. It's got to be easier dealing with a cheater when there's warning signs of another episode coming on.

    If he can't get in your pants, he'll find someone else. Go ahead and let her know he's about to hurt her again. It's got to be better this way. He's not really into you, he's just into getting away with doing that to her.

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  • You run the risk of destroying his marriage if you tell her, but that isn't your fault that is the guy's fault... however, I would imagine that even if you turn him down he is probably going to look for something from some other women.

    I do believe in the occasional white lie to avoid unecessary drama but this may require that you let this woman know. This guy needs to be exposed and she needs to know exactly what she's dealing with, because while you may save his marriage by keeping quiet, the issue of his philandering will never be dealt with if he never suffers any consequences.

    I think in this case the truth is probably the best policy. I'd tell her.

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    • you make a good point madhatters4, and maybe he will try and change if she confronts him about it, but likely not, I believe there's some truth to ''Once a cheater, always a cheater.''

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    • He's just going to do it again in his next relationship. He will already have two kids here. Let's hope he can try to learn to be a decent human being by being a father, we don't need him going off and fathering more little sh*ts with another innocent woman. This woman totally screwed up marrying him, sucks for her, I'm sure she realizes that. OP needs to just stay away from everyone and everything.

    • @celestialdaeva I'm not sure where we are disagreeing so much. She will be throwing a wrench in the marriage but again I don't think that should be her concern as the marriage is already ruined whether or not the wife knows it. My opinion is she should expose the truth because for me knowing the truth is always better (no matter how painful) than living a lie.

  • I would tell her.

    Tell her exactly what happened just like you wrote it here. Maybe she already knows, maybe she doesn't, but especially given how understanding she was in the beginning, she deserves to know the truth. It may hurt her, especially with a kid on the way, but it could also prevent her from being hurt much worse. Better to deal with the problem you know than be ran over by one you didn't see coming.

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  • It is tempting to tell her since she was not one of those psycho-stalker "creep in the window" type of people when she found out. On the other hand, it could open up more issues for you with the guy as well depending on how he takes it when he finds out you told her.

    I know some people say "It's none of your business" but you are already kinda stuck in the situation now.

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  • well, no one cheats without a reason. Usually that reason is that they are unsatisfied with a current relationship, but don't have the "fortitude" to either ask for some sort of effort from their partner to satisfy them, or they know it's a lost cause to ask but don't have the logistics/backbone to break up with them anyway.

    Regardless of whether or not she "needs" to know about him trying to cheat, I think the woman does need to know that her guy is unsatisfied enough to seek other opportunities.. Worst case scenario is you break them up, which sounds like you'd be doing them both a favor anyway..

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    • Some people aren't naturally monogamous and cheat due to their nature. That's a matter of dishonesty and succumbing to social pressure to be monogamous though.

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    • I don't buy the "not cut out for monogamy". Maybe when you're a teenager or early 20s, but I'm talking about a 37 year old man. You know what you want/need. Don't get married to someone who doesn't fit that criteria

    • What is not to buy? It's not an excuse for his behavior, it's just the reality of the situation.

  • Your options are ruin this persons life/marriage have the kids without a daddy and tangle yourself up in there drama or pretend that it never happend... Hmm tough choice I would go with option C the anonymous letter that leads to option A lol. In my opinion trying to establish a side relationship is messed up when you have a wife and kids so honestly this dude needs to learn karma is a bitch. you would want someone to tell you if that was your husband was cheating on you or trying to establish a relationship with someone else and he said him and his wife are divorced... It's all up to you

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  • First, the wife knows.

    Second, I'd stay away from both of them. You are trying to fix the world. You don't know what arrangement they have made between themselves. You want to be a heroine by helping the wife. Spare everybody the drama. Do something positive with your life. Let this go. You are not the love police.

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  • Imo you're being too much of a "white knight moralist" here. They're divorced, and to be frank, she probably doesn't want to hear about what he EX husband is doing in his dating life.

    P.S. Don't feel that you were somehow a catalyst in the end of their marriage; if he wasn't dating you, it would've been some other woman.

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    • They aren't divorced, that's my point here

    • Oops...i misread. :-P

      This guy lied AGAIN about him being divorced when he wasn't?

      Damn...this is a dilemma here for you. I would go with your gut, and let the wife know that he is still continuing to pursue other women (as in you)

  • By telling her, you are only going to hurt her. Is that what you want?

    Giving him the benefit of doubt, maybe he only had a fling with you, and it was because you are so hot or gorgeous or beautiful or sexy or something!

    So when his wife found out, he may have been faithful for a while.

    Now, the memories return and he stupidly thinks that he can rekindle some of the passion you once shared?

    If he does contact you again, ask him what he plans to do with his wife and new baby that you know all about.

    Ask him if he thinks that you are some kind of fool to believe his lies?

    Ask him if he thinks that you are some kind of fool to believe that he wouldn't do the same to you?

    And then tell him that you will help his wife sue his pants off for alimony/maintenance as a witness to his infidelity if he ever even whispers one word to you!

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    • His wife should know because she deserves the right to make her own decision about whether or not to stay with a man who has been unfaithful to her. Plus, we don't know if he could be contacting other girls as well. His wife deserves a full understanding of her own relationship. Even if it's not something that's fun to hear. She can make whatever choice she wants, but if she is going to stay with a cheating husband, it should be because she chose to. Not because she wasn't given the choice.

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    • The memories returned because he isn't having sex with his pregnant wife right now. Dude just wants to put his penis in something, and OP is something that he has manipulated before. She just needs to STAY AWAY.

    • What the ladies and bud said. The wife gets hurt in some way if he's cheating, ranging from his attitude to hurt feelings to STDs.

  • Wow, someone give this guy a shovel, so he doesn't burry himself in lies!

    But I agree, I'd want to know if my wife is claiming to be divorced, I could fulfill her wish !

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  • I would bitch him out and tell him to never contact you again. Their relationship is not your problem now. Stay away.

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  • let her know

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  • Yes she deserves to know, your doing the right thing, much respect.

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  • What twice-shy said.

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  • it's not your business.

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  • Just hope he doesn't get mad and come after you *shrugs*

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  • No.

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  • He is a scumbag. Tell her

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  • Why would you even talk to him after he cheated on his wife?

    Cheating shows someones inner character and his is terrible.

    Your mistake was replying to his followup email.

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    • Curiosity mostly. I guess I wanted to know how things went down after she found out. But seeing as he lied about that, I guess I really didn't find out lol. Like I said, his previous lying kept me from actually seeing him.

  • Snip off his balls when he's asleep, that'll teach him.

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    • Wtf man, that made me nauseous. :(

    • it's the newest trend, the ladies love it. I have one too. I wish I could get have it done again.

  • That guy is my hero. Some day I wanna be just like him :') tell her don't tell her, doesn't matter he'll be up to his old tricks with her or wife #2.

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  • let her know... I'm amazed she's still having his baby after the first time... that guy is too much lol.

    he wants you as his jump off and fbuddy while his wifey is at home preggo havin his kid

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  • Think you should ignore him and mind your own business, yeah the guys a flake and the wife is probably nice but its not really in your place to go light that fire. Also factor in they already have a baby.

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What Girls Said 7

  • I feel that she deserves to know. If I were her I would want to know, and I think on matter of principle it is important for her to know unless she has specifically indicated that she does not wish to be informed. It's possible that she does already know or that she is okay with it, and you don't want to be a drama queen, so make your communication with her short, respectful, and composed. But I do think she should know if she doesn't already. If I were in your position I would definitely inform her. And this time, I would ask her if she wants me to contact her if it happens again, or if she would prefer for me not to.

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    • I made it pretty clear to him to never contact me again so I don't think there will be another time.

    • Maybe not, but you never know. Plus, another reason why his wife should know is because you may not be the only "other woman" he is getting involved with. If his wife is under the impression that her husband learned from his mistake and has been faithful ever since, then she deserves to know the truth. Maybe she will choose to live a lie, but she should be the one to choose that for herself.

  • I would have to tell her. You may stay away and mind your own business but I don't believe he will stop looking for someone besides his wife and YOU to lie to. And I believe she deserves to know. Just my opinion.

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  • I would tell her, simply because she had contact with you before.

    Also, DO NOT get back with him, ever, even if he eventually is single. He is lying and cheating and horrible relationship material. That poor woman has his children, so she is likely stuck with him forever.

    I know that if I were married, and gave some cheater-dolt a second chance after cheating, I would want to know if he "slipped" again. The truth is that cheating is not a "rough patch" you work through, or an "accident." It's feeling entitled and not being an adult about your relationship problems.

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  • Walk away from him. And do not contact her. There is nothing to be gained. She wants to live in a lie, let her. It is not your concern

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    • She wants to live a lie! Let her. Do not be the judge and the jury for her. She has young kids. Let her be !

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    • Some people prefer not to be told, but we don't know that, and given her positive response before, she likely wants the truth. Frankly, I think it's dumb to choose ignorance because she could have an STD that could harm her and the baby.

    • I am appauled by so many users giving themselves the right to be the deliverer of " justice". I give the wife more credit than any of you. You think the thought of possibility of him cheating again hasn't crossed her mind? Seriously now! She is choosing to take the chance. Not a good choice IMO. But then again I am not in her shoes. Nor will I give myself the right to distroy her family. As for him, that's a whole different story

  • TELL HER! Her husband is an idiot and needs to be dumped ASAP. Seriously, I effing hate cheaters. Either leave the relationship or stay faithful, but don't hurt the one you supposedly "love" by betraying them like that.

    Think about this way: if he was your husband, would you want to know or be kept in the dark like some idiot? I would want to know then I'd leave him, taking everything with me. Omg, and I can't believe she stayed with him after the first time -___- Once a cheater always a cheater.

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  • I don't know what you should do but I want to say good for you for telling him no and to not contact you again. Everyone is so ready to attack the other woman but then don't say anything good for a woman like you who said no. Be proud of yourself.

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  • Yes. Tell her. She has the right to decide for herself what to do with the information.

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