Dating frustration...vent here!

This isn't so much a question as it is a thread for venting frustration.

I don't know about anyone else, but I am beyond frustrated with the dating scene. I'm so tired of all the gender roles, the rules, etc...it sickens me.

I hate the confusion and rules...when to call, how long to call, when to meet, how to meet, when to kiss, how fast/slow should we go, am I scaring her away, should I let her persue me, how long should it be between dates, is it okay to date more than one if we're not exclusive...

I hate it all...its exhausting. I'd say we guys have it worse because we're the role of initiator, but I've never been in a woman's shoes so I won't say that for certain. Is there anyone else out there who feels the way I do?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I agree with you, it is frustrating out there. I am one of those people who if I like the person, it's known. I let them know, and I show it. I like to talk to them, a lot. But I try to be understanding if they are busy.

    All the rules are confusing and outdated in many cases, unnecessary even. I'm of the belief that if you like someone, let them know. Call them when you want to. Hang out with them as much as you want. The couple should be the authors of their own relationship.

    No one should be afraid that if they don't wait a certain amount of time after the date that they will scare the other person off. If that person wants to be with you, they won't get scared off so easily. In fact, they should be eager to talk to you :)

    I think a big problem is that when we meet someone great, we want it to work out. So we go to our friends and the internet, and then we take the advice. I think both of those resources are great if you are having a problem, but you still have to think for yourself ultimately. Do what you feel is right. People's advice is really just based off their preferences and personal experiences. It's not right or wrong.

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What Girls Said 7

  • I never understood why people are so tense about dating haha. Just do what you feel like. Talk things over if you're not sure; communication is the single most important thing in a relationship. I've always been really relaxed in relationships, and it just makes things easier. There doesn't have to be rules. :)

    Really the only thing that occasionally frustrates me is my gender role of having to look pretty. I mean, I enjoy taking care of my appearance, but I feel it's underappreciated lol. Guys don't seem to know that it takes me around 30 minutes just to do my hair, and that I have to wax my eyebrows every other month. I get so jealous when a guy can jump in the shower and be ready to go out in 5 minutes.

    But no biggie. It's just reality, I deal with it. :)

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    • Yea...it drives me crazy too with my girl friends that when I'm over at your place...I still have to wait another 30mins (or even more!) til you're all ready. XP

      But no biggie. It's just reality, I have no choice but to deal with it too. :P

    • "I never understood why people are so tense about dating haha."

      It's because you're a chick, duh.

    • well at least you don't have to worry about the words and sentences that come out of your mouth

  • This might be due to my advanced age, but I have no problem with the dating world. I think it's fun. But then again, all those rules and roles and sh*t got thrown out a long time ago. I do what I want. If what I want happens to coincide with what someone else wants and we can want that thing together, great. If not... that's okay too.

    I look at dating like this: I'm Godzilla, and the scene is Tokyo. Wake up, kick ass, repeat. It's amazing how much fun it is to date when you deeply don't give a f*** all day about what other people think of you. And what's REALLY funny is that the fewer f***s you give, the more people want to hang out with you. I have no idea why that is, but there you go.

    As for who has it worse... man, I couldn't tell you. I am starting to think it's pretty even.. like perhaps BOTH ends of the stick are sh*tty.

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  • To hell with those rules ! Do things how you want to.

    I really understand your frustration here, which is why I decided to ignore the so called "rules" of dating ^^

    I remember a fight I had with a friend over the "rules". She said I HAD to let him pay for both of us on the first date, because otherwise he wouldn't go for a second date. She said it was more "lady-like". I didn't want to because it was against what I wanted in a relationship. It's cute to pay for the other once in a while, but I firmly think it doesn't have to be one sided from day one ! She said I would scare him away if I acted this way. Luckily for me, my guy liked that part of me ^^

    If you feel like it's going too fast, slow down, but don't slow down because it's going faster than it should according to the "rules". Each relationship is unique, and follows a different pattern. What works for a couple may not suit you.

    Playing games is a loss of time, time that could be spent getting to know each other and enjoying each others' company. I find it immature, which is why I believe you'll find less and less woman who play games as you grow older.

    As for men being the initiator, I believe it is slowly changing. Men still initiate most of the time, but you can meet more and more women who took the first step. I understand (though I'm not in a guy's shoes either) how it can be frustrating and exhausting to always be the one initiating everything. Anyway, there's also a bit of frustration being in a woman's shoes and scaring guys away by initiating things ^^'

    I built my own code of ethics about dating, one that would suit my personality and my own values. I may not be conventional, but it's better to be honest and upfront about it. If the guy doesn't like it I guess we won't get along well.

    What I tried to tell you here is that you're not the only one bored by those rules. Don't let people tell you how flirting and dating should go. People will probably tell you you're not doing it the right way, but if that how you feel it should be then you can tell them off :P

    What I hope is that you'll find a girl who doesn't work within those rules either, and that you'll have fun together ^^

    (Sorry for any awkward sentences, English is not my first language and I'm still waking up ^^)

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  • Exactly, I always say up front to people, I do not play games, and I won't. It honestly has a lot to do with age range. Younger people enjoy all the mess of playing out these things, once you are older, most don't have time for childish things.

    I'm waiting for people to grow the hell up

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  • I agree it is exhausting but we all keep trying don't we

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  • I agree so much I hate dating its just so annoying. I am having the same problem with my life right now. I hate rules I'm too old for games and rules. I went on what I thought was a really good date last week and we planned another but now its Thursday and I have not heard from him. I decided to text him and ask him if he was still interested and his answer was "lol I never said that I've been busy at work." Now please help me out here what the hell does that mean? Sounds like he's just not that into me and just a big jerk who played me into thinking he liked me. Anyways he's not worth my time so I deleted him number.

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    • That's exactly what I'm talking about. For all you know, he could really like you but wants you to persue him, may not like you at all, or wants you to initiate everything. Girls make me over think things like this all the time, which is my biggest problem. I know exactly how you feel.

      As far as he goes, he might have been busy but it only takes approximately 15 seconds to send a text saying "hey" lol

    • My gut tells me he's not into me plus ide never want to be with someone who goes days without thinking or talking to me. I crave attention. He just seems like a jerk I'm over men and the games they play. I'm always gonna be alone :(

  • Yes, I feel the same way as well. I was on a online dating site for over half of year and I had to stop doing it, because I was overwhelmingly frustrated with the rules and games!

    I totally hear you- I hate mind games! It's very annoying and certainly not fun!

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    • That's what I'm doing...its the only way I've been able to meet girls in a small town. It really works, but the dating rules and regulations are so freakin' stressful and confusing that I'm about to stop as well. Dating should be exciting and fun, but the nervousness and uncertainty completely destroys it.

What Guys Said 10

  • this is a transcript of another a**hole I had an argument with, when I ranted my frustration about us guys always having to initiate, approach, he said this:

    "Because you are a man, that's why. Quit being shy, grow some balls and get some man juice flowing in your veins.

    Then I say how I wish I could instigate violence with a guy who tells me to Man up, be a Man, grow a Pair, and it continues down below:

    You feel like instigating violence with some random dude who tells you to be a man, man up, grow a pair etc.? Sounds like you need therapy and don't want to hear the truth. You may have the diagnosis of "SOS (Stuck on Stupid)." I stand by my statement because Testosterone and Ego are a man's best ally. Why you ask? Because it makes him try harder, push harder, and makes sure he never thinks of giving up like many of you on this site have done. Whether it's for finding a better job, thinking on your feet, gaining two yards, getting in shape, etc. your ego is your driving force. If you don't like reality that is your problem. You stated "I hate being rejected with a huge passion, I hate having to move on the next one." Then why not become a man who has to suffer less rejection by becoming less shy, more confident and exhibit more male traits, and stop being a damn nerd. DUH!"

    Girls do not have to make any social or mental changes like us guys do, that's why it's easy for them because they can talk and say whatever the f*** they want out of their mouth and we guys won't get turned off by it.

    Then when I say I wish I could fight to release all of my anger, he says: "You sound like a real idiot. You won't make any impact on fighting reality. Having to do The chore, burden and work of initiating things, doing the chasing, etc? Are you kidding me? You think that it's so hard to say to a lady "what's your number?" And then after you get that number to call the lady up and ask for the date? That's just too much work for you? It's actually easy but not for you because you lack balls. If that's too much work for you then life is going to be very rough for you."

    Easy for him to say, because you can't literally just say to a girl "whats your number", because that can't be the first sentences, you have to have a lot of hours of conversation and talking in order to get the girl interested in you, and plus there is a difference between lacking balls and simply just not knowing how!

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  • Seriously, I f***in' hate it with a huge burning raging passion that us guys have to do the initiating, making the first move, approaching, asking out, leading, etc., on how people insist and argue that is part of being a "Man", they always tell us to "Man Up, Be a Man, Grow a Pair", seriously I get sick and tired of hearing those annoying sexist phrases that I feel like killing someone out of anger and frustration, resentment for life being like that, hate how life and society expect us guys to toughen it up all the damn time!, so what if we f***in' guys have testosterone? doesn't mean we have to use it!, seriously, what these one a**holes said to me, and I'm just letting you know to show you how much I hate, despise, loathe gender roles with a huge raging passion, here is what one a**hole said:

    "Man...this is what I'm talking about! You act like taking the initiative is some kind of burden or drudgery. Most normal, red-blooded guys enjoy taking the initiative and do it automatically. It's not a matter of "have to". A normal testosterone level and, at least, average intelligence, should ensure that a guy has more than enough assertiveness and initiative to get and maintain a relationship.

    It's sad that any guy would see simple initiative in meeting and dating women as a chore.

    I don't know if it's due to hormones/pesticides in foods; or faulty gender-bender conditioning; or simply evolution (which isn't always "progressive"), but there seems to be somewhat of a trend where guys in each successive generation are increasingly being feminized to the point of total inability.

    Men have, on average, 10 times the testosterone levels that women do. All of our social arrangements have been shaped by that fact for millennia. Even in today's cultures, men are generally expected to take the lead in initiating and maintaining relationships with women. That is what most commonly works. There are exceptions; but the exceptions are much more rare. You have all the testosterone for a reason, use it"

    If I could kill that a**hole without getting arrested, without getting into legal trouble, I would love to kill him like this, the reason why is to take out all my anger for all of the unfair rules of masculinity:

    link

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  • Yup, feels the same way! :D

    I would highly appreciate women that can simply state their interest and not just poking around and beating the bush hoping to find gold.

    I personally dislike the fact that we initiate a conversation and everything went well, then suddenly the next day it is flipped up-side-down. Leaving us wondering where it all went wrong.

    Then later investing more time, emotional energy and perhaps money for some, just to find out she is not interested.

    Did you mentioned that talking & thinking itself is exhausting?! Argh~~~~~

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  • This is the reason why I'm not in a relationship. I hate when you try to meet somebody and you have to handle the situation so carefully if you don't wanna break a "rule" and screw everything up. The problem is, people tend to generalize: ALL women like/hate this from men, men should be like that with women.

    I hate people when they start with "women are from venus, men are from mars". I say NO, men and women are from the exact same planet and everything could be a lot more easier. But nooooo, everything has to be complicated, surrounded by rules, mistery, confusion, "when she says no, she means yes"...why? Is all that really necesary to make you feel it's worth it?

    Some times it feels like if you're trying you're asking a god for a date, instead of a person.

    But, it's like my dad told me once: "The human being is capable of building wonders, but can't understand himself". That's why everything is so complicated.

    I agree with you, totally and I hope society changes soon or I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

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  • yeea I totally understand but here's an idea...screw all the rules...just throw it out the window or bury in the ground. I learned that I kept on over thinking things and dating became more stressful and exhausting than it should be.

    Instead...do what you want! Do what FEELS right. Wanna take it fast? go ahead! It may blow in your face in the end but at least you did it! Wanna take it slow? then take the time you need! Again...It may blow in your face in the end but at least you did it!

    If it feels right...just go for it! If it doesn't feel right or you're unsure...don't do it! Trust your gut and heart and HOPEFULLY...it'll lead you in the right direction...

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  • Men have to accept that manipulation tactics are necessary. Garbage, but necessary.

    The dating world is chess and it's not gonna change during our lifetime.

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  • i think it makes things interesting, like I like all the awkwardness it creates, not sure if I'm alone on this one.

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  • story of my life

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  • Fully agree. I can read people like a book. I've never even dated any girls but I can still see right through all of them. All it took was one girl completely screwing me over and my eyes were opened.

    Now my standards are impossibly high. There aren't any good girls left out there. If there are, they're all somehow taken. One thing I hate is how girls take complete advantage of guys with how they're able to date whoever, whenever, and for however long they want.

    They'll go out with scumbags until they feel like settling down, whenever that is, if ever, and then they'll just one day decide that you're worth of their time and attention, when in reality, you were all along. In the meantime, they won't even talk to you.

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  • I kind of feel your frustration.

    Though, for me, I would still cling on the dating world.

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