I don't know how to turn guys down without being a bitch

Well, I'm not too experienced in dating... in high school I was the wallflower that was constantly rejected by guys, never asked out, etc. Then by the end of high school I met my ex and we were together for more than 6 years... now I'm 24, I've only ever been in one relationship and I'm still recovering from all the pain and such. As of now, I don't want to be with anyone... though not really because I met and liked a guy I met a while ago, but he lives a few hundred miles away so it's not possible to be together.

Life and its ways, though... now that I still don't feel ready to date, I've met many guys, and some are interested... they haven't been direct, but I can tell. They always invite me for drinks and such, and well, I usually tell them I'm not available because I know they might expect more and while I like them as friends, I also don't want to seem like a tease (I've been told I am naturally flirty, even though I'm coy). There's a fine balance which I haven't mastered... I either come off as too cold, or as interested... I don't know how to demonstrate that I appreciate a guy's friendship but that's it, you know?

I've been honest but most guys take that as playing hard to get...

So how do I do it? I don't want to be seen as a bitch either... I'm just not ready to date, and I also don't want to be all like "you know I'm not ready to date, I'm scared to death, carrying a lot of baggage from my last relationship, and it's not that I'm playing hard to get... but you're a very nice friend", you know?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • 1) This one is a bit sarcastic with intent, but theoretically it has the highest chance of success; play the clingy/desperate/type of gal that has never dated before and is obsessed with the guy she's met. Call him every 10 seconds to ask if he's gone to the bathroom yet, what he's about to eat, etc.. Guaranteed to drive a guy away before attracting him. The benefit is that this works while initially meeting someone all the way to initially dating them. The con is that it makes you look socially awkward, if you care about that sort of thing.

    2) Don't indulge him long enough to have a deep connection with you; maintain your social skills and when the opportunity presents itself to leave the situation promptly accept the opportunity and roll with it "John, I really appreciate the conversation but this is my song, have a great night man take care"

    3) Be direct and punctual "I was serious when I said I'm not interested, you're just a friend and I'd like to keep it that way." Being assertive is the key point to making this a success, if you are feeble in your tonality a guy might pick up on that and chase you around the countryside hoping to be your prince.

    4) Ask him embarrassing questions to make him doubt himself (this one is probably the worst option you can choose but has a fairly strong chance of success as well): "What's your major in college?" That question skims the surface, so dig deeper, "That's interesting, tell me more" and see how deep the conversation can go - eventually it will get too awkward or become too much effort to maintain the conversation.

    5) Maintain socially awkward behavior.. E.g. spill your drink on him and then laugh, after picking your nose and wiping it on his shirt, accidentally pump his arm into some other guy's ass, etc..

    The above is merely entertainment to me; the truth is that if you don't indulge socializing in particular venues you'd have the best chance of avoiding the mess entirely. Bar scenes, public events, etc - guys tend to frequent in hopes to score or pick up a new girlfriend. If you want to socialize without the pressure, easy peazy, just call a few friends and have a gals night out and have them bring their guy friends who aren't pushy.

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What Guys Said 7

  • One of the easiest ways out of this is a lie, and while I don't normally recommend lying, it's effective in this case.

    Him: "Would you go out on a date with me?"

    Her: "I'm pretty sure my boyfriend wouldn't like that. Unless he can come along?"

    You already dating someone else isn't going to hurt a guy's ego very much if at all, while rejecting him for what he sees as "no reason" definitely could.

    BUT... most guys would totally understand if you said "I just got out of a long relationship, and I'm kind of a mess and no where near ready for a relationship. I'd make a terrible girlfriend right now; you'd hate me." Again, you aren't making it about them, but about you. No bruised egos.

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  • Always smile, and just say you're just gettng over a relationship and aren't ready for a new one.

    If they press you, say you value their friendship too much to want to get into a relationship that won't work out...

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  • I have been turned down by a beautiful girl once that had the perfect line..."I am not looking for anything right now, but if you want to hang out sometime, hit me up"...she gives me her phone numb and smiles and walks away.

    If a guy has even the slightest amount of knowledge, he should pick up on the fact that, a woman would never say that to a guy she didn't want to be lovers with in the future. It also didn't hurt my feelings much, because she still gave me her phone number to make me feel like she really didn't want to turn me down, but had to for her own reasons.

    If this does work, it's time to be persistent and tell him that you aren't interested in being with him.

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  • No sane man wants a female friend.

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  • Don't try to make guy friends because we are not interested in making female friends.

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  • There's no way you can turn down guys nicely. It's still best if you be blunt and outright in your rejection.

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  • Please note that, it does take most guys a lot of courage and heart to ask a girl out. The only reason they do so, is because they believe in themselves, and are confident that they are doing the right thing to achieve a goal that will make them very happy.

    It's important that women respect the mans approach and if they are going to turn a guy down, they should do it in a way, where the guys feelings are on the girls mind, and honesty is used to allow the guy to be able to accept the turn down and move on, with their ego still attached.

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    • Yeah, but how? You're a guy, so how would a girl ideally turn you down leaving your ego intact?

What Girls Said 4

  • i just say that I'm taken/have a boyfriend already were madly in love he's out of town...this way no one gets hurt

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  • Just say no thank you, that you're not interested. That's not mean or insulting, just to the point and honest.

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  • Eh, don't worry about it too much. 9 times out of 10, you won't come across as a bitch.

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  • When you get more and more experience with guys, the less you'll care about being seen as a bitch.

    As long as you aren't overtly rude (HELL NO, YOU'RE UGLY AS F***/BROKE AS F***/ETC. AS F***!) then you aren't a bitch. There will be some guys who take even the most gentle rejection as bitchiness but you can't please them so don't even worry about it. Most guys will not be as broken up about getting turned down as you think. Most of the time it's just their ego talking and they're just disappointed that they won't be able to score. Unless a guy has really deep feelings for you, he won't be upset by a rejection unless he's one of those a**holes who think he's entitled to a chance because he approached you.

    There will also be lots of guys who consider a rejection just step one into getting into your pants. They heard you reject them, they will just try harder to get you. Oh, well that is their problem.

    Just say no and change the subject. Also, stop getting too close to guys you know you aren't interested in. 99% of heterosexual guys are not trying to be friends with a woman they're attracted to. If you are not attracted to a guy and know you wouldn't date him, don't be friendly with him so he doesn't feel comfortable enough to ask you out.

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