How to date if you have aspergers?

Hey, first time poster.

I am going through a struggle recently. I am trying to figure out how to get out of my shell and be a little more personable. But here is the problem: if I open up, I tend to talk too much and don't empathise that well with people in my age bracket. I try to talk to girls, but anytime I try and be "myself", I tend to be bland and ust ask questions about her. And usually, she gets bored. I am getting frustrated, because I was never went to a physical school, and college is little help. I am trying to get involved in my town, but there is little to do. I am trying my best to improve myself, but I fall short. And I try and not think about it, but I keep getting nagging feelings about it, which won't go away. I don't want to be desperate, but it seems if I don't do something, my chances will dwindle. But at the same time, I must wait. Who made these dumbsh*t laws? So I guess my metaquestion is what do you think I could do to improve myself? And how do you react to people such as myself? In any case, I appreciate the feedback.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hey... I actually use to work with kids who were middle school aged that had aspergers when I was in high school... I helped them to form social skills... I know personally that it isn't easy (I have ADD and was 504 and had an IEP with an IQ in the superior range so much like people with aspergers I have some areas where I'm way ahead of the curb and others were things will never come easy to me and had to fight so hard to get the "cool" kids to respect and like me and only once they did did I realize that the ones who gave me a hard time actually were the biggest losers). My advice is to become friends with girls first (the nice ones who seem to befriend anyone and if someone drops something they bend down to help right away... Avoid the girls who act like they always know something that no one else does and only hang out with girls in their sorority. Those are usually the idiots and they act that way to seem like they are better then they actually are)... People in general search for faults on a first date (I'm sure you do this to girls weather you're aware or not)... But people are much less judgmental of their friends and it allows for the girls to get to know you for you and they will (if they are worth it) see past your quirks and will let you know when your on a bit of a rant and will help you be more aware... There are girls like this... Personally I also have dated guys who have something imperfect about them and they never judge me about having ADD (maybe tease me a little but I think that if you can't laugh at yourself then you can't live with yourself).. The bottom line though you need to be OK with yourself and love yourself.. It doesn't mean you don't have a right to get frustrated but I'm sure you're a great guy! I hope this helps :)

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What Girls Said 8

  • A guy with Aspergers use to chase me a lot and kept asking me to be his grilfriend. I liked him, he was smart and interesting and frankly I was fascinated with how focused he was on physics. But I couldn't date him. I just wasn't able to adjust to the way he responded to me and to the way he acted. He'd just hurt me sometimes without even knowing he did it. And when he'd notice he made me sad, he'd start asking me to explain it. I would do so as best as I know how, but I was sure I was more of a bother to him than a friend. Someone you want to date should be your shelter, not your homework. I just knew we wouldn't be happy if I said yes to him. That's how I ended our little flirting budding "friendship" or whatever you wish to call it.

    I suppose the best you can ever do is study human behavior as much as you can. Try to find a girl like you (with Aspergers) that you'll like, if you can. Or hope the regular person you do find is more understanding and stronger than I was with the guy I, at one point, really wanted to date.

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    • what do you mean " I just wasn't able to adjust to the way he responded to me and to the way he acted." please give more details, I fear I could have aspergers syndrome.

  • date someone who is direct. does not play games, nor expects you to play games. and who thinks acting fake to appease arbitrary rules she had no part in inventing therefore thinks the laws should and do not apply to her. then you should do just fine.

    you sound completely reasonable and normal to me. just don't hook up with morons

    dating and all the bs it entails, is by definition annoying. people go through ten years of lying playing games -excerpt its called 'dating- going by dating rules , see it blow up in their face, in their relationships, in the marriages they make with virtual strangers because everyone lies' dates'. then spend the next 20 learning how to just be themselves... when they couldve just done that in the first place.

    so youd do better to find people who don't believe following dating proscriptions properly makes the sun shine out of their ass.

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  • It depends on the degree. I had a boyfriend who was the poster child for high functioning autism and he was the most annoying person I was ever with and he handled the breakup very poorly.

    But I'd think I'd give a guy with AS a chance as long as he didn't constantly talk about something stupid and boring like airplanes or trains or math.

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    • Yeah, I get what you are saying. I don't talk about it much even amongst friends, but I like talking radical politics, finance, philosophy and the like. I like to do stupid things too, but that is limited. So yeah.

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    • The stuff he was saying was somewhat interesting at first but then he kept repeating it and then he started talking about things like specific mechanics of airplanes which doesn't interest me at all and to make matters worse, every time anyone would talk about anything else ever he would find a way to bring it back to airplanes. Like, one of us would say, "It's such a nice temperature today," and he'd say, "The inside of a jet engine is a thousand degrees. That's not a nice temperature."

    • And it would be like that whenever anyone says anything. So yeah, it's freaking boring and annoying.

      As far as trains go, I don't know any adults with autism with an obsession with trains but I hear about them all the time and every little boy I know with autism (a fair few, by the way) is obsessed with Thomas the Train. Even Sheldon Cooper on the Big Bang Theory is obsessed with trains and he shows many signs of AS.

  • my boyfriend has aspergers. he's wonderful lol I luz him. rarely even notice it. and when I do notice it I don't mind because I know it's the aspergers.

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    • what is is that you " notice " about your boyfriend, what else do they have besides being shy?

  • I would just try and be yourself. You are being way to hard on yourself It is good to get out and try new things and take a few risks, but only when you are ready to. The right girl will come a long when the time is right.

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  • I dated someone who claimed to have Asperger's, and he enjoyed seeing me cry, manipulating me, and hurting me emotionally and physically. He was also a really good liar. Never again...

    So, QA, just don't be like that guy. At all. not in the least.

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  • Maybe try meeting more women who fall towards that end of the spectrum. Women in finance and engineering, for instance, may understand your social style a little more. They tend to be more blunt and straightforward in communicating. Also, as far as the "laws" ... If you mean dating norms, try not to fret too much about them. They aren't really laws, as in they are guidelines that people must follow because they are prescribed by some other force, but they are patterns that the majority people typically tend to follow. That doesn't mean everyone follows them exactly, though. A lot of people exist outside of the average range of social behavior, to some degree or another.

    You seem to be doing pretty well for understanding how to express this question, in my opinion. My boyfriend is an engineer, and I think he's almost on the border of being an aspie. He sometimes struggles with social relationships, too. I have a strange brain, so I can relate to both so-called "right" and "left" brained people. We have some shared interests, so I can listen to him describe the details of his work or something he is learning about. The main problem I do have with him is that he often goes on long-winded rants about how someone did something (that I find trivial, usually) in a way he found incorrect or inefficient and how much it irritated him. But I try to be tolerant and let him vent until he gets it out of his system. Luckily, though, he didn't do this on any of our first few dates, because his temper and intolerance would have lessened by attraction to him.

    Sharing experiences can help facilitate a connection on the first few dates. Your favorite music, a restaurant you liked, food you've learned to cook, a trip you went on, a pet you had/have ... stuff like that, which is easily relatable, helps build a back and forth conversation.

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  • go out with another aspie, there are tonnes of website of it. That's how I usually do it, I find it much less awkward than talking to people.

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What Guys Said 2

  • will be more difficult

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  • I have a friend with Asperger's. His behavior seems to annoy a lot of people, but it's never annoyed me. When I think about it, I'm quite an open-minded person. So I think you need to find a girl who's open minded, isn't offended easily, etc.

    Or what about a girl who herself has Asperger's? I know there are fewer girls than guys, though.

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    • That is a good point. I am trying to add a classmate from meetme.com who I think has autism, but no go so far. She tried adding me before, but didn't have much context at the moment. I appreicate the comment mate.

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