Do I stay or do I go? I'm so torn!

Sorry in advance for a long post, I will try to make it the short version.. I have known my fiancé for 6 years, since 8th grade in school, we have been dating for 10 months and have been engaged for 4 months. All throughout high school, we were good friends, and he had made multiple attempts to date me. I, being a girl with high moral standards (a "goody two shoes"), was scared of his crazy lifestyle (drinking, smoking cigs/pot, partying) so I put him off constantly yet he stayed very close by still as my friend. Eventually, I was very lonely because he seemed to be the only guy that cared about me/was attracted to me at all. He even quit smoking and drinking to prove how much he wanted me. So we finally started dating, and everything seemed perfect, until the lying and immaturity started. He had a few smoking relapses which I found out the hard way, as well as white lies here and there, which I did not tolerate. We continued to date for a while and next seeked adventure. His parents were living in Anchorage, AK and promised us good jobs and that the economy was booming here. I was leaving my family behind in Arkansas for this. His parents told him that we couldn't live with them unless we were engaged. So we got engaged. Now we live with his parents and two brothers, who I have found to all be filthy disgusting pigs. They are selfish (making us pay rent when we don't have the money), they promised us jobs (I have been unemployed for 1.5 months), and they tell us what we can and can't do like we're children. They aren't even my parents! And worst of all, my fiancé knew the job thing was a lie and went along with it just so he could move here and be with HIS family. Now I don't trust anything he says. What kind of relationship is that? Plus, he refuses to go to college because he hates school. He is immature, selfish, sloppy, and this drives me mad because I am a clean freak, organized and very mature. Most of the time, I don't find him attractive. I'm not even sure if I love him. The catch is, I can tell he loves me. He does/says sweet things from time to time. He is the only guy that has ever shown affection towards me so I don't have any other options. Plus now I am 4000 miles away from home and my family, trying to make things work so I don't have to look like a huge failure. My mother constantly tells me I deserve better, but she thinks too highly of me. I am just looking for any advice anyone might have on my situation because I am so torn. Do I look past the lying, drinking, and smoking that are against my high morals? Is there any hope at all for happiness for me? Thank you for reading.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Why is it that just about everyone continues to believe that being love will somehow compensate for two people being otherwise incompatible?

    I don’t mean to make light of your feelings or the difficult situation this puts you in. Let me try to summarize what you wrote: your fiancée brought you far from home under false pretenses to be sunk into debt in a horrible environment that he knows you cannot stand, subjected to the ill treatment of his parents, and throughout all this he won’t lift a finger on your behalf for any of it? He may think he loves you but I can’t imagine anyone who would describe that behavior as love. He’s even got you questioning whether you have the right to hold onto your moral standards!

    It’s possible that his family brings out the worse in him. However, extreme issues never go away completely when the situation changes. At best they subside briefly. I can’t see how this can work out, even under the best of circumstances.

    I see no way to perceive all this as a failure on your part if you return home. It was commendable that you were willing to completely change your life on his account (in perfect contrast to him!). I also commend you for not putting up with more lies. No one could have anticipated the nightmare that you found yourself in. There is more shame in staying in an intensely unhealthy situation than in leaving it.

    You can’t afford to make any decisions based on the fear that you may end up alone. That is not going to happen. Even it were true, that would still be worlds better than what you have to look forward to in that dysfunctional family. Worry about meeting new people later. You need to get out of this one first.


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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 3

  • Wow, this sounds like a really difficult situation. I can relate because in a few months I'm moving to Shanghai, China with my boyfriend of 10 months. I'm leaving everything behind as well, and my former life in Michigan. I can tell that he really does love me and care about me. However, I can't relate with the smoking, lazy and bad family things because him and his family are nothing like that.

    What I can tell you is to leave and break the engagement if you're not happy. DO NOT MARRY HIM IF YOU'RE UNSURE IF YOU LOVE HIM. The sooner you do it, the easier it'll be. It'll still be hard to deal with and will HURT at first, but you'll be happier in the long run. Find someone who you are absolutely crazy about and know that you love them. Good luck!

  • Darling don't stay with him!.. He's lied to you about the family stuff and other things in the past.It honestly sounds like he his no good for you or like he's going to change. If you do stay with him down the line break away from his family theft are just going to bring more issues. Now it sounds like you aren't really into him and that you jus more appreciative of the attention he gave you then. But now you've grown and realize something on your own, who's to say he doesn't feel the same way.

  • You should save up enough money or get your parents to send you money or a plane ticket so you can go home and pay them back later! This doesn't sound like a good place for you. Your mom is right you do deserve much better than you are getting treated right now. You think he's the only one that has cared but did you ever look around to see the people that may have cared that you never cared to notice..? Don't be with this guy anymore go home it isn't worth it!