Girls who use OkCupid or other dating sites, what messages do you respond to?

I've been having having a horrible time trying to do this internet dating thing. I sent out a bunch of messages, all of which I thought were somewhat decent, but I managed to receive zero replies. I know my messages weren't great, usually just a simple comment and a small random question about something interesting in their profiles, since I'm not good at on-the-spot wit, but I thought they might be decent enough to maybe get a reply or two. So that leads me to think there's either something wrong with my profile, or something horribly wrong with me in general.

Ladies, I've heard that you get flooded with messages on dating site (especially OkCupid), so, what kind of messages do you respond to? How much does someones profile influence whether or not you'll even reply? If you could provide any examples of good messages, and maybe bad messages—especially bad ones that aren't obviously bad, like "hey you want 2 fuk?"—I'd really appreciate any advice or input you could provide!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's definitely tough just due to the sheer volume of messages girls get, and like you I felt like I got almost no replies at first. However, I feel like I have been doing relatively well recently. First off is to have realistic expectations, I think getting one reply to every 10 to 15 messages you send is pretty successful for that site. Read their profile, find something unique on there, not just the same stuff everyone has, like enjoys traveling, or good sense of humor. Also, read the bottom question the "you should reply if," that can really give you clues as to what to say. So make a comment about that one thing that stood out in the profile, preferably say something rather witty, ask a question, if applicable make a comment about yourself that relates to that unique thing, then say your name. Don't make it longer than a few sentences, and don't be discouraged if they visit your profile and don't reply. Here's an example of one I sent and got a reply to, she had recently moved to AZ and really liked the show Lost, "Hey Amanda, I'm Ty. How are you liking AZ, how long have you been here? So how big of a Lost fan are you. It's one of my favorites so I know you have good taste:)"

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What Girls Said 6

  • I've been using OKC off and on for a couple of years.

    You may not believe me but it's not much easier for us. We do get flooded with messages, which are mostly bland messages without much thought behind them along with the occasional creepy one. You need find a way to stick out from the crowd.

    For me, I'm 41, educated, divorced, I've children but I'm not terribly enthusiastic about having more, I'm reasonably attractive and like to stay in shape but nothing out of the ordinary, I'm very clear that casual sex is out of the question. In other-words, I'm someone very average.

    Yet, if I restore my OKC account after being absent for a few months, in a few weeks, I'll easily get hundreds of messages.

    So, your random question or simple comment, while I'm sure it's sweet, it will get lost in a stack of hundreds of random questions and simple comments. You have to find a way to stick out from the pack.

    What I'd suggest:

    1. Don't be creepy (obviously)

    2. Show me that you've done more than just look at my pics. Show me that you've looked at my profile. If it's OKC, show me that you've looked through the questions/answers (and not just the sex ones).

    3. Put some thought into your message. A paragraph sticks out from an endless series of random question or simple comments. It really does. I don't mean to sound harsh but honestly, in terms of thoughtfulness, there isn't much difference between a message that says "nice smile" and "nice t*ts"

    The more thought a guy puts into his first impression the more likely it is that I'll put thought into having a look at his profile and reading it over and maybe sending him a message.

    4. Which leads into your profile. If it looks like you spent two minutes throwing it together, then I'm going to assume that's how much effort you put into dating. Detail is important. Grammar and spelling are important. In other words, put your best foot forward.

    5. Don't be afraid to be reasonably persistent and send a second or third message to someone you like. As you've heard, girls get flooded with messages. Sometimes, the diamond gets overlooked because it's buried in coal.

    6. Again, don't be creepy and don't be whiny either.

    7. Be yourself ;-)

    I've met/dated six guys from OKC over the last couple of years. I agreed to go out with them because they seemed interesting, which stemmed from how they initially approached me and also from their profiles.

    I don't know what else I can say but to wish you the best of luck and don't get discouraged.

    If it's any consolation, online dating really sucks for girls too.

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    • A job interview seems like it would be far easier.

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    • Also, I'm really glad you included #5. I've sent out a second message to a couple girls who seem to have really great personalities and I've been really debating about whether or not to try one last shot and send a third, if I can come up with a REALLY good message I've thought of a pretty decent joke, but it still needs quite a bit of work before it's ready.

    • These suggestions are still quite disappointing...

      I've done all seven of these steps, with only moderate success... There's got to be more ;)

  • If he puts thought into his message and shows me he read my profile AND he's attractive, I would respond. I'm sorry if that last requirement made me seem shallow or picky, but no one can deny attraction plays a huge role. I find that I get more messages on plenty of fish. But the quality of messages suck pretty bad.

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  • Like somwone else said: if you put thought into the message chance are high for you to get a response however,if you just say hi and that's it,its going to get deleted.

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  • one's that are interesting and stand out.

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  • i am looking for serious relationship materia. I am looking for similar religion and level of education. if they aren't there I will not answer for sure. beyodn that I have to like his picture and he has to say something normal like he read into my profile and seems genuine

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  • not overly flirty, not too simple, I would respond to "Hey you look really beautiful and sound like fun, I'd love to get to know you some more :)"

    and also 85% of the replies I give are if the guy messaging me is cute or not

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What Guys Said 1

  • noted!

    I've sent simple messages 100% no sexual stuff something like "nice smile" Nice profile.. Or respond to something in the profile which is not related to dating and guess what? No thank you.. No answer to what I saw in the profile.

    However.. because I'm in the North east and near NYC I think that has a lot to do with it as well.

    I mean sh*t that's the most basic just chatting.. I'd never leave someone hanging like that.

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