Did I do the right thing by cutting her off?

I met up with an old college female friend for the first time in 5 years. We live in the same city now. Had a wonderful time, probably the best time I've had with a girl, we had so much in common and just non-stopped talked the whole time. She was staying stuff like "we HAVE to hang out all the time", mentioning constant, specific future plans like fairs, concerts, road trips. Right after, she texted saying it was great to see me with smiley and then the next day she texted me out of nowhere just to say hey.

One problem: she apparently has a boyfriend living in another state. She mentioned him when we met up. But because she had dressed up to meet me and those texts and the fun we had, I thought maybe perhaps she was looking around still (we're the same age while her boyfriend is quite a few years older).

We made plans to meet the next week. Then she canceled the morning we were supposed to meet up because...her boyfriend surprised her by flying in.

She was so apologetic and tried twice over the next month to hang out again (once for movies and another for dinner, apologizing each time), but I just made excuses. She eventually stopped. We haven't had contact in 2 months now.

When I think about her now, I'm sad. She was my perfect girl. Perfect looks and personality. Sometimes I think I was wrong to cut her off. But...I was second fiddle. I think I did the right thing, but what do outsiders think?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Honestly I think you're crazy. You weren't "second fiddle"; you simply were not being dated, period. She wasn't meeting with you to smooze you into her lovetunnel at all. You were just someone she was able to connect with and perhaps she's lonely?

    You did yourself a disservice though by completely cutting her off simply because the only person being punished is you. You get nothing out of it other than a false standard of importance which makes no sense because you took it out of perspective, projected your emotions onto her, and then rejected your own emotions.

    I wish I could say it's new but it's not.

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    • No, you are absolutely right. That's what I was trying to say. That I took more importance onto the relationship than she did (she's just lonely in a new city, wants company). But what's the point of hanging around if all that's going to happen is me falling deeper for an unavailable girl? Being friends with her under false pretenses would be deceiving her.

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    • If you had one-sided said "I like you and I'm jealous of your man and I can't bring myself to yearn for you" or something cheesy like that she'd be like "Oh, damn" and let you on your little way. INSTEAD you just disappeared.

    • @You did yourself a disservice though by completely cutting her off simply because the only person being punished is you. You get nothing out of it other than a false standard of importance which makes no sense because you took it out of perspective, projected your emotions onto her, and then rejected your own emotions.

      Fantastic answer. Readily applicable to MOST of the jaded biased and or naive relationship and break up questions on here ;p

What Girls Said 2

  • That's tough. I would never want to get in the way of someone else's relationship, and I would feel terrible if I helped cause her boyfriend pain when he finds out.

    Have you thought about telling her how you feel? But you hav to be prepared for the rejection but then you'd at least know.

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    • telling her how I feel is a no-win situation. Who do you think she's going to pick? A boyfriend she's been with for 3 years or a guy she reconnected with she met once for a few hours?

    • That's a 50/50 outcome. You'd have to hang around and be the friend for awhile to feel her out. She may have only wanted a friend but she may have feeling you out for something more. Too soon to know for sure.

  • That's a tough one. You weren't doing anything wrong but you assumed the worst... Maybe she just really likes you as a friend... You went ahead and assumed something else. Why don't you text her?

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What Guys Said 5

  • I think that she was definitely looking for a companion. There's nothing wrong with having a female friend, not every girl is romantically interested in you.

    Of course, she may also have been in the market, but you'll never know that now. Always keep your options open, it's always better to have more female friends than shun them just because you don't want to give 'the wrong impression'.

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  • unlike most other guys I think you did the right thing.

    i agree that she was probably lonely and looking for a friend to hang out, but nothing more.

    you on the other hand were looking for a girlfriend and not for a nice, beautiful, whatever girl that puts you in the friend zone.

    there might be a little chance that you could have won her, but I wouldn't want a girl that leaves her boyfriend for me, because she might leave me for the next best dude as well.

    the only thing I would have made different is probably telling here why I didn't want to hang out with her anymore.

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  • She was auditioning you for first fiddle, but you bailed.

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    • I don't know, entertaining her while her boyfriend does nothing and just has to fly in to bang her doesn't seem like first fiddle to me.

    • it just felt like poor form to accept a hang out offer from her soon after she had ditched me for the surprise visit from her boyfriend.

  • well, its messed up that you lied to cut her off. if you felt upset you should have told her why and at least been a decent person.

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  • I think it was possible you could have won her - long distance relationships always fail unless the two manage to move closer together before breaking up.

    If she was the perfect girl, she was worth fighting for.

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    • well, the year before she moved to his state to be near him. The only reason she's here now is that she got a job here. But the fact she had moved to be with him just last year was enough to make me realize how serious it was.

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