Should I trust him again?

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year now.but I had to leave to LA (personal reasons) he's in tj right now at the moment,so we`re in a long distance relationship right now.we text ALL day I pretty much know his scheduele school , work , gym.and the reason I know where he's at is because we`re always on chat (fb) we`re always on mobil so we`re pretty much always in contact and iknow where he's at because of the location thingy on fb.i also have his fb password so that's why I trust him.Ok long story short.he hardly goes out he usually goes out with cousins and stuff to drink or something OK so one Saturday night we were chatting (like always) on fb.he was telling me he was at home in bed.THEN I got a message from his mom to HIS Facebook (since I have his ps I get all the messages he gets on mobil) OK he got a message from his mom telling him to now drink so much and to drive home safe.at that moment I new he was lying to me.he wasn't home so I didn't tell him anything to see how far he went.so I asked him , baby are you sleepy ? Its late and he replied yes babe I'm going to bed goodnight , I love you!..,thats when I couldn't stand but tell him about the message I saw on his fb that his mom left him.He refused it.and the bad thing was that I send his mom a message after I told him the message I saw and I asked her if he was home and she said he was! So I guess after I send him thoose messages telling him why he was lying about being home (he was at a club with his cousins) he called his mom to tell her to tell me he was home just incase I called her or somethin.ok this is pretty long now xD right so afterall he admited he lied and now I have him on check.i make him send me pics of him and the places where he's at.am I overacting? Or did he just wanna have fun for one night? Should I still trust him?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • i remember I tried knowing where my long distance ex was every single moment of the day. we were always in constant contact whether on the phone or on Skype.

    i think she ended up feeling like she was trapped and suffocated by all the restrictions and constant questions. I've learned that trust is needed for a relationship to work especially in long distance ones.

    maybe he told you he was at home so that you wouldn't get mad or that he wouldn't have to answer a bunch of questions. now that you caught him, he probably feels that you're being controlling and snooping through everything even though you found out accidentally. trust me, something similar happened to me and it just made things worst.

    i've had friends who made their significant others do what you're doing. (the pictures, staying on the phone to hear who's in the background, and all that crazy good stuff) In the end, he's going to eventually feel like he's being trapped by your actions. if you can't trust him, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with him.

    set up some boundaries such as letting each other know when you're going to be out late with friends. maybe one phone call sometime during the night and one after the person gets home etc.

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What Guys Said 27

  • First off if you truly trusted him you wouldn't be having this question in the first place or checking his location on Face book or any where else or have his password that's not trust .

    now he trust you enough to give you his password and all trusting you not to abuse it or spy on him but that is exactly what you did that's not trust .trust is if he says he is home whether he is or not is believing he is , guys lie and girls as well it is a known thing to everyone

    trust is telling each other everything no matter what no lies at all my girlfriend and I have that kind of relation I tell her if I go out with other girls and everything that happens I have no need to lie to her even if I happen to sleep with another girl I tell her better to hear from me then from someone else and no I haven't done that to her but I would tell her if I did , now I have been out drinking and danced with other women and even had other women riding the bike with me as soon as I got home I told her about it , I don't hide anything from her and yes she has all my passwords and everything and I hers as well but I don't go checking up on her at all or reading her emails or face book messages that's not trust. trust is having it and not using it to spy on them

    and you ask if he just wanted to have fun one night well hell we all do and as far as trusting him again well you never did or you wouldn't be asking this question

    the question you should be asking is why feel the need to spy on him

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    • I trusted him.i still do but why lie? He could of just told me the truth!

    • you can't trust if you have to ask this question and you never did trust him trust is something that is earned shared and cherished between two people it means never having to check on each other or even wondering about each other it means you trust each other enough to know them and accepting if they do go out they will tell you ,not checking on their location or messages or what ever

  • you don't trust him you keep tabs on him. those are two different things. the fbi keeps tabs on criminals too, monitors, tracks, gps, etc...that's not trust that's keeping an eye on someone.

    so to me the fact that you have to do that is the sign that really this isn't a good situation.

    perhaps he was lying and in that case no you shouldn't trust him but honestly, you didn't trust him before so what's the difference?

    I think the problem I see is why does he feel a need to lie to you about going out? Why does he feel like he can't tell you he's going to a club? Why do you feel a need to check his Facebook, contact his mom to verify whereabouts, etc?

    It just doesn't seem like the basis for a good relationship is there with or without this most recent issue. If I had to keep tabs on my girlfriend, call her parents to verify where she is, wonder if the parents were in cohoots in terms of keeping things secret...it wouldn't be a relationship I'd want to be in

    do you see what I mean? I'm not trying to be mean or rude but it just sounds like the foundation of the relationship isn't good

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  • My take on all this is that his Mom got confused (we all it a Senior moment) and posted her concerns belatedly = he was telling the truth.

    Now that you have tarnished this trust bubble, he will foster thoughts about rebellion but won't act on this until you push further & harder. Then he will be hard to find & track - then you'll go more overboard until you kill the deal.

    Love doesn't flourish in a cage or on a leash - it slowly starves.

    Keeping tabs on a love does not guarantee fidelity, such is chosen by both sides, not enforced (been there, done that) + it's exhausting, burns through most of the energy intended for love enhancement.

    Some day, a lover will burn you.

    Is it better to defend yourself with stiff arm tactics like keeping tabs, which also stiff arms love

    or

    trust in those you love, allowing love to grow stronger and thus have a better chance this attractant is more powerful than the above deterrent to keep your lover ... yes, this route does hurt more if they cheat ... but then they never really loved you and you are now free to search for a better love

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  • First, lying is never a good thing...so, deal with that...tell him straight up that if you catch him in lie, it makes him look guilty, even if he didn't do anything wrong..(like cheating)...so, make sure he understands it's important to you that he tells you the truth...and then you have to give him a little space and not make him feel like you're his warden...so, maybe he just wanted to get out with his cousins like you say, and that's all...nothing wrong with that, and maybe he lied because he thought he was protecting you, not wanting you to worry about him being out...so, deal with the lie and give him space and tell him he needs to be straight...once you guys agree that's cool...then you should be good, but if you catch him in another lie, then it's going to be hard to trust him after that...and you need to re-think the situation...

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  • Listen, first of all I got my exGF's Facebook password after she cheated on me. I only checked the first week of activity or so.

    After that I did not check her FB AT ALL, and she had CHEATED on me.

    Do you get what I am saying? You are ridiculously suspicious.

    Even if he cheats, what can you do about it? NOTHING except being the best girlfriend you can be. If you keep acting like a suspicious girlfriend, you are NOT being the best girlfriend you can be.

    So cut him some damn slack or you WILL lose him, if not now, later on.

    By the way. When he said "I'm going to bed goodnight", was he really lying? Perhaps he was on his way to bed, but it would take him another 30 minutes.

    And do you REALLY think his mom would lie to you? You have got to be kidding me.

    If you lose him you will be very hurt, is all this nosy activity so important to you that you'd actually like to get hurt? I don't think so.

    In other words. Cut him some slack. If he cheats, he cheats. If he doesn't, he doesn't. There is nothing you can do about it, except be the best Girlfriend you can be.

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    • No! He was just getting there (to the club) that's what hurt me the most .and yes , his mom did lie.he addmited it.he made her lie for him!

    • Well, even if that is the case my opinion remains the same.

      Act as if you trust him is the only option. Or break up with him over something that 'might' have happened.

  • if he is having to send pics of where he is to prove it...you guys obviously have a very dysfunctional and broken relationship. I don't think you are overreacting. I just think you are not going to trust him and are going to be miserable trying too. you guys either need to really talk about things and if you still don't feel like you can trust him after that conversation then just end it. don't torture yourself or make either of you live under those conditions. and besides he can take as many pics as you want him too and that doesn't mean that a girl isn't right there beside him doing anything they want. just wake up. this is crazy. good luck.

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  • Fool me once, shame on you.

    Fool me twice, shame on me.

    This quote has saved me many times from falling. I think you and I can both prove it to be an efficient idiom.

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  • You don't need to know where he is every single moment of the day. Allow him to have some alone time. At the same time, if he ever goes clubbing and has some cases with other girls, then that's cause for concern. But that has to do more with his fidelity (ability to exclusively stay with you), than knowing where he is at every single moment in the day.

    Take comfort in not knowing where he is all the time. Trust him, instead of watching him, because otherwise, he would rather not tell you where he is or what he is doing, because he doesn't like your reaction or something. Then, if you trust him, he will trust you, and will willingly tell you what he is doing if you ask, instead of trying to hide it.

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  • Time to look for another. You don't trust him and will always have doubts about his actions. Stop your mental agony and find another lover.

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  • After reading this, unless you're one of those overbearing girlfriends that is paranoid about him going to bars and clubs without you ,

    this sounds like a bad sign.

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  • You seem way to controlling so if I were him I would of left you right away. If you have to keep tabs on someone in such an obsessive way then you also should move on. He probably just wanted to have fun and I bet he lies to you as much as possible just to do that.

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  • um firstly you are a straight up cop with your boyfriend

    he feels he had to lie because you are a control freak and always need to know where he is

    making him take pictures were he is WTF is that? You got not trust, usually when one partner is always hawking about that stuff they are the ones who aren't being honest/loyal...

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  • This relationship if you can even call it that is so over. checking him every second of his life on Facebook? That's a no-go.

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  • Should you trust him! Sounds like you didn't trust him to begin with. Anybody who acts the way you are either doesn't trust the person they are with or they're insecure about themselves. When you figure that out then you'll have your answer.

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  • "...he's in tj right now..."

    What's "TJ"? Tiajuana?

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  • You clearly don't trust him, and trust is the foundation of any relationship. Let him go and find someone closer to you.

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  • No. Don't trust him if he's betrayed your trust before.

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  • Humans never were very good at monogamy. I wouldn't expect that to change in our lifetimes.

    Some things in life are better to be accepted.

    The same issue will occur in your future relationships.

    Just accept it and move forward.

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  • LDR is so tough. You had trust issues to begin with. If you continue with him you will be in hell. Save yourself and move on...its not worth it

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  • i never cheated, but if my girlfriend was such a control freak, I would be gone "yesterday"!

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  • I'm single.

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  • trust is the essence of all relationships. But they say there is white lies to protect someone's feeling it this isn't the only case couples do it. The truth is once you have a blight in a relationship its like not thinking about a pink elephant. You can't stop. Maybe it really was nothing but going out. You are really hot & sexy omg, I would love you to be possessive over me. Why would he want to lose you to me? Clubbing is not the type of girl I would want. Maybe you think it's normal. If he was the type of guy that went to a movie and lied you would be less worried. You are a little obsessive but I would take it as a sign of love. If it doesn't work out find a guy who would lie about going to the store so you wouldn't worry. Or just go out on a date with me...

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    • Lol you`re anonymous..and I'm not possessive! He has me on check too

    • You are in the right. Most people cheat and lie. Your attached. Give him a chance what else do you have to lose. And if you are wrong. Admit it. Move on. And if you leave him date me... lol... just joking...

  • Actually you should loosen up on his leash. Stop tracking him. Let him have space and time without guilt so he doesn't feel the need to lie. So long as he doesn't cheat, let him be. You can check up more in marriage but even then he should have some freedom. You do not now or ever will own him

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  • If I am hearing correctly, the long distance relationship has now become dysfunctional. Keeping a visual on him will only embolden him to continue deceive you because it discourages independence. You may have the best intentions by staying in contact with him 24/7, but you are actually making him self conscious about simple things, such as hanging at a club with his boys etc.. Therefore, you may want to shorten your leash on him and address your issues if you want things to turn around. If you can't trust him, then...

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  • I hope you break up with him for his own good. I bet you would break up with him if he made you check in and take pictures of where you are.

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    • Hes the one who told me he would take pics of where hesvat.anything to make me trust him again soit was not my idea

  • It is not your duty to check on him, he's not your property nor your responsibility. If you think you can stop him from cheating by becoming a controlling bitch, you're deluding yourself.

    I don't know if the guy is trustworthy or not, but I totally get why he lied to you.

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    • Look , he checks up on me just like I DO TO HIM so what's the problem?

    • The problem is that you two are completely crazy. That's NOT a healthy relationship and you both will end hurt badly. I've seen this sh*t too many times to know how it ends. Spoiler alert: NOT GOOD.

  • Sounds like a little trouble in paradise...if he's got the balls to tell you the truth, he will but I don't think he will. You have to ask yourself if he's worth staying with over this, especially because you're moving further.

    The other day (last Tuesday), I was talking to a girl I like but could never be with (for a number of reasons). I accidentally lied about something I shouldn't have lied about. It was a lie I couldn't live with, so the very next day, I came back to her, told her we "needed to talk" and basically told her I lied and that I hope she can forgive me. She may have, but I don't think she'll ever forget it. Like I said, it's a girl I would never get with but I just couldn't live with that lie...especially because it effected someone else (the lie involved another girl).

    I hope my story helps

    You are really pretty by the way

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    • That was so nice of you :) and thank you very much:)

    • Who downied it then?

What Girls Said 2

  • You've been distrustful and overbearing ever since you moved. Who tracks people and reads their messages? Calls their mom about where they are? And now you want him to send you pictures of where he is? It's no wonder he's lying, he feels like he can't do anything or tell you anything, because you want to be in 24/7 contact with him and know every little detail. I'm honestly surprised he's putting up with this. I would've already broken up with someone so controlling and paranoid. He might soon enough though, if you continue monitoring him like he's a criminal. I think that would be what's best for him.

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    • The reason why he sends me pics is because it was his idea not mine! And we`re always in contact because we miss each other.and love each other a lot its not like I send him messages telling him hey where are you? Send me a pic! No.this guy loves me alot.if he wasn't comfortable with this relationship he would of left me already don't you think?

  • If it is an ongoing occurrence then no.. Something is obviously up.. Maybe he just needed a night to himself to do his own thing and didn't want to hurt your feelings. Let it slide this time bit keep an eye out for similar behavior.

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